Am I Really This Vain?


A big fat yes in fact. Am I proud of this fact? Not really, but it is the truth.

Case and point: A couple of months ago I scratched my cornea. How? I have no idea. Most likely by doing something rather strenuous, like breathing. At any rate, I trotted over to the ophthalmologist with my good eye to see what could be done.

Here is a re-cap:

Doctor: You have an abrasion on your cornea.

Me: Really?

Doctor: You need to take these eye drops for two weeks and not wear your contacts.

Me: Uh, it’s summer.

Doctor:  Yes, it is.

Me:  Well, I am going to the beach next week and I don’t have any prescription sunglasses.


Me: And the sun hurts my eyes, I really need my sunglasses. (My Thoughts: Plus, I got them from Target for $5.00 and they are super cool, like something I saw JLo wearing in US magazine.)

Doctor: Well…you could just wear one contact.

Me: Oh, I can’t do that. It will drive me nuts.

I began to look sad and forlorn for effect at this point.

Doctor: Well… use your best judgment. You can wear your contacts for just a couple of hours at a time when you finish your medicine.

Me: Oh, thank you, I will!

And I paid the bill, filled the prescription, and started wearing my contacts three days later.  Apparently my “best judgment” was to pop in my faux eyeballs, even if one eye was a bit blurry.

Here is where that act of genius got me (Doctor’s office two weeks later):

Doctor: Well, the abrasion is better, but still there.

Me: (shocked) You’re kidding me!

Doctor: You should wear your glasses for another month and then come back and we’ll see how it is.

Me:                                (My Thoughts: Silently crying to myself as I have sixth grade flashbacks of a little girl in her Coke-bottle glasses and an unfortunate bob haircut.)

So why did I let vanity get in the way of my “health.” It was only for a short time and really, who cares what other people think of my lame frames?

Uh, apparently I do.

I am sure many others have their vain points. Some people will only be photographed on their right side; others won’t be caught dead outside the house without their Coral Gables lipstick (my dear mother); and others didn’t enter society until Spanx were invented.

Yes, we all know there is a huge market out there to help us de-wrinkle, sparkle, and look ten pounds lighter, blah blah blah.  There are books written, fables told, and movies made about the perils on vanity. It is even one of the seven deadly sins.

Yet, here we are, slathering, injecting, and running around with a scratched cornea, all in the name of beauty.

I am not here to shake my finger at vanity and figure out a solution. Instead, let us flip the script, if you will, and look at vanity in a positive light.

1.)    A little vanity is a good thing. If none of us cared about how we looked the world would be overrun by split-ends and body odor. Taking pride in our looks (not to an extreme level) helps us take pride in ourselves. Or so they say.

2.)    Vanity is keeping people in jobs. I am not sure of the numbers, but people spend a crap ton of money on personal trainers, Botox, make up, and old lady face creams to keep themselves younger and brighter. If we as a society did a 180 and stopped this spending, our economy would flop faster than a woman’s unsupported breast. Seriously, it would be way worse than the housing market issue.

3.)    If people weren’t just a little vain, we would vote even crazier people into office. Think Jimmy McMillan, Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Enough said.

So let us raise our jars of night time firming cream to vanity. Take pride in knowing you are helping society with your spray on tan.  Let us walk hand and hand as friends with our minor narcissism.

As long as we can see out of both eyes.

Am I Really Cooking This Same Damn Dinner Again?

I don’t fancy myself a chef (right now my husband is shouting, “Can I get an Amen?!). Oddly, I really enjoy food, going out to various restaurants, and I think that Curtis Stone is hot. Yet, when it comes to being creative in the kitchen, or using a recipe that requires arugula, I just shrug my shoulders and say, “eh.”

If you are like me in this department, then I assume you’ve given it the ole’ college try. Perhaps you have switched out one ingredient for another: “I used Bar-B-Q sauce today.”  Or maybe you have impulse bought a Real Simple or other cooking magazine in the check out like because of promises of “Dinners in Under 30 Minutes the Whole Family Will Love!” [Side Bar: I often wonder how these article writers know that my family will love these said dinners. What if I have a child with a dairy allergy or a husband who thinks that peas are a waste of time?  What then Cooking Light?]

I always feel exhilarated after these purchases, vowing that I will make interesting and healthy meals with delectable aromas filling the house.  “Yes I can!” I say to myself, vowing that on the next shopping trip I will buy new and exciting ingredients.

Here is what really happens:

A month later I find the magazine under the coffee table caked in dust and grape jelly (don’t ask how the jelly got there, I still don’t know). I look at the pictures of delectable meals and think, “That’s nice.” I ear-mark a few pages and put the magazine next to the grocery list.

Six months later I find the magazine buried under a staggering pile of Target receipts, four old To Do lists, two pamphlets of yoga classes I still have yet to try out, an overdue bill for the Sunday paper (crap!), a bunch of old Halloween stickers, and  three solicitations for clothing donations – all past due. As I brush off the magazine I think, “What a waste of $4.95.” I then toss it into the recycle bin (I do care about the earth) and proceed to make spaghetti and meatballs…yet again.

Ah, the boring supper dilemma: Wanting new and exciting meals, yet buying the same crap at the grocery store. The cycle must end.

So I have devised a cheat sheet, if you will, as to how to somewhat achieve dinner excellence:

1)      Have my husband make dinner at least 1 time a week.  He is an excellent cook and super creative (He once made fancy sautéed shrimp served in a coconut. A coconut people!).

2)      Add 2 new ingredients to the same old chicken dish. This usually involves cheddar cheese or Campbell’s soup.

3)      Add dinner rolls. I could serve a brick to my family for dinner and they would eat it if it came with a Pillsbury crescent roll.

4)      Promise dessert if the meal is eaten. A good fall back plan if numbers 1 through 3 did not occur.

In reality, I have decided to be kind to myself and say, “Hey, it’s O.K. you suck at dinner making. You’re busy lady with shuttling your child to school, dance, and swim classes, volunteering out the ying yang, and watching the new NBC line up. Chin up. Don’t forget, you’re good at folding.”

I hope you all will be kind to yourselves as well. Yes, we can all try a new creation when we are able to, but that is not the real reason to have dinner. It is to be together. Catch up on the day, laugh, and be thankful that we can have dinner. I hope that tonight you enjoy yours with family or friends.

Even if it is cream of mushroom chicken…again.