Am I Really Having a Fire Sale at my Everything Must Go Garage Sale?

Welcome to the Great Purge of 2015!

While everyone is making their New Year’s resolutions to get fit, quit smoking, and finally use that loom Aunt Betty gave you, I am in the process of cleaning closets and throwing out – everything.

I am not a saver. When I was growing up, my family had to pick up and move every couple of years. We learned the art of “bless and release” early on. That, and my mom would give away half our stuff while we were at school.

At any rate, I do not care to have schmegma build up around me, so I like to have a Crap-Exodus at least twice year. When it is all said and done, I’ll be standing here with a suitcase full of clean socks and a cell phone.

All Crap Must Gooooooo!

Here are something things that are not making the cut in 2015:

Clothes with holes/Do not fit/From my first job out of college. I have been out of college for twent–er- a while. Yet I still have some exercise wear from the boys section of JC Penny’s (there was a sale!). I figure these items should go before I start the support hose era of my life.
It’s just a matter of time.

Papers, papers and more papers. There are catalogs in our bathroom from two years ago and a multitude of expired coupons to Bucca di Beppo. I’m not sure which grosses me out more. Purge.

Kiddie Art. Oh now don’t freak out, of course I save most of my daughter’s school work and art. But all of it? Nope. I don’t think I need to keep that popsicle stick snowman with a broken head. That’s just bad Feng Shui.
Now my house looks like this…in my head

Bad Habits. Come on, I had to wiggle in a New Year’s resolution. Seriously, be like the Red Hot Chili Peppers and “Give it away/ Give it away/ Give it away now.” You don’t need to buy everything you see. You don’t need that extra slice of pizza (I know you want it, but then you’ll be too stuffed to stay awake during Guardians of the Galaxy). You don’t need to be 5-10 minutes late everywhere you go. And by “you” I mean “me.”

Guilt. Just kidding. That will never happen. I’m Catholic. They’ll kick me out of the club.

Old or New Crap you Never Use or Just Don’t Like. If you give me something, I will find a place or use for it. Some might say this is a good thing. Not always. Especially if it is a paper mache bust of a family member. Thanks, but no thanks. Bye bye.
Bye Bye Bye is right.

Toys. Holy crap. Where does this stuff come from? So. Many. Toys. I’d like to go back to the 1920s when a child’s toy was a mop. And an IPad. The IPads must stay.

Have at it kiddo.

So join me in getting clean in 2015. You’ll feel better and finally be able to find those glow sticks in your junk drawer.

Plus, it’s just good hygiene.

Photos Courtesy of:

EXODUS Movie – www.gospelherald.com

Support Hose – www.brittanysbodyofknowledge.com

Feng Shui Living Room – www.sunnyhomeliving.com

‘N Sync – Bye Bye Bye – www.tumblr.com

1920s Top – www.flickr.com

Am I Really Coughing All Over My Yuletide? And Other Stories from a Sickbed.

NOT how I felt about the flu.

Christmas is tomorrow people. If you are Christian, agnostic, or a happy Pagan who digs Santa, then you are going to the “show” this Thursday. It’s a time for mad-cap baking; watching Elf forty times on TBS (Santaaaaaa!!!!!!!); and cursing Bed, Bath, and Beyond because they are out of the Boston Red Sox Meat Brander (maybe I’ll just get him socks).

During this time of year, Christians celebrate the birth of Baby Jesus.

Also happening this time of year, the United States celebrates the birth of the flu.

Wait, what?

One never really understands the voracity of their own health, until it is taken away…during the most wonderful time of the year…while a Mariah Carey Christmas song plays in the background.

All I want for Christmas is to stop coughing.

But as they say, there’s a lesson in there somewhere. So, when the fever and chills took me to school, I took note.

Lessons I Learned while Sick this Holiday Season:

Holiday shows on ION involve a lot of thoughtful starting. In fact, they run light on dialogue, but have it in spades with sighing and intent looking, all set to track music. Themes involve: engagement by Christmas, saving your marriage by Christmas, having your first kiss by Christmas. Nothing with wine and/or chocolate. Weirdos.
I actually did not see this one.
It is both ironic and remarkable the number of Tamiflu commercials that play on TV, while you have the flu, and popping Tamiflu.
I will never be on the Sing Off!
According to the Profemin commercials, I am either menopausal or a very pissed off and tired person. Maybe I am pissed off about my menopausalness. I might also have erectile dysfunction.
I get it buddy.
There is a karaoke television app. Please, for the love of God, do not tell my child’s third grade class.
So. Much. Supernatural. Why?
People really dig this show.
Oh look, nothing is wrapped. Aces.
I have perfected by “Oh no, I’m not sick” phone voice. It is the same one I use for, “Oh no, I haven’t had four glasses of wine,” or the, “Yes, of course I am awake at 5 a.m.” voice.
Being sick sucks.

Every holiday season I look forward to sitting back and relaxing with family and friends. The flu put a little kink in that plan. While things are much better now, being sick really does open your eyes to what matters most and what you might want to shed from your life. Plus, I really missed my eight pots of coffee-style energy. Health is just too precious.

So this year, hug your loved ones, call an old friend, do something nice for a neighbor.

And for the love of all things holy – take your vitamin C!

Have a wonderful holiday and a Happy and Healthy New Year!

#merryflumas

#Tamifluismylovershhh

Photos Courtesy of:

Guy with the flu – www.adpharm.net

Mariah Carey – www.fanshare.com

Supernatural – www.supernatural.wikia.com

Elf – www.thehandmadehome.net

Postcard – www.green-mom.com

Nine Lives of Christmas – www.pinterest.com

Am I Really Watching a Trailer for Another HOBBIT Movie?

It’s a whole thing. I know.

There are few mysteries of our world: the pyramids, Mount Rushmore, and who is Keyser Söze.

Now, we have one more to add to the list – the ninety-eighth installment of THE HOBBIT.

No offense to E.L. Tollhouse – wait – L.J. Tolstoy – nope, that’s not it – LL Cool J – no, that doesn’t sound right…J.R.R. Tolkien! That’s it! Anyway, that’s a lot of hobbits.

Do we really need forty-five movies for one idea? That’s like taking your leftover Thanksgiving dinner and stretching it out to New Year’s. Trust me, someone is going to get sick.

I understand the amount of backlash I am about to receive. People love their elves. I once performed improv with a grown man whose doormat was in Elven. He was so proud of his doormat, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it is NOT A REAL LANGUAGE. At least my Bank of America ATM does not give Elven as one of the language options.

A side note to the major motion picture studios – this is not a knock on you. I get it, these bad boys are money makers and you folks have been hit pretty hard. You need to bring home the bacon. Also, I am fluent in studio math: you need five Hobbit movies to make up for one R.I.P.D.

But enough.

There are a few reasons as to why we might need to lay Bilbo Baggins to rest:

Actors. This cast is incredibly talented. No argument. But they are getting older. Do we really want to see an 86 year old goblin take their Boniva? While these movies are fantastic bread and butter for the actors, perhaps they want to try out different projects and roles. One that does not put them on the side of a lunchbox or require prosthetic ears.
It’s Not Star Wars. As far as I’m concerned, they can make eight more Star Wars movies. And notice, those movies are about space. Space goes on and on and on. Gondor? Not so much. Also, the theme music is way better in Star Wars. Every time I hear the Imperial March I become slightly aroused. Just sayin’.
Whoops! Wrong Imperial.
Didn’t they find That Ring? Was that not their whole purpose? I thought they found it in movie twelve-point-eight. No need to belabor the point here.
If I give you this ring, will you make it stop?
It was ONE Book. Yep, you read that right. There is only one Hobbit book. THE HOBBIT was published in 1937, followed by the three THE LORD OF THE RINGS sequels in 1954 (two that year) and 1955. They already made all of those The Lord of the Rings movies based on the books. Do we really need to squeeze so much from one HOBBIT book? Even the late, great writer of the series, J.R.R. Tolkien told me, “Maybe they should give it a rest.” I know this because I am a ghost whisperer.
The movies are each Nine Hours Long. It’s like training for a marathon to watch one of these epics. A marathon of How long can I sit before my right butt check goes numb? Peter Jackson knows how to make a glorious movie, no doubt, but perhaps Gandalf can help him with the powers of editing.[cue lightning and thunder]
I only know your name because I Googled it.

Before you Hobbit lovers write me Elvish nasty letters (which I won’t be able to read anyway), listen up. I have no disdain in my heart for these movies. They are beautifully shot, wonderfully acted, and beyond imaginative. Tolkien really was some type of genius when he created these stories. That, or extremely mentally ill. Perhaps both.

We just need to take a chill on the big-footed folk for a while. There are a million other sequels, books converted to movies, and movie re-makes. The general public needs to catch up.

Plus, bare feet freak me out. The hobbits could use an adventure to the land of Stride Rite-ion.

This kind of crazy I can get behind.

Photos courtesy of:

Bilbo Baggins – www.imaginationlane.net

Frodo – www.hollywoodmemorabilia.com

Gandalf – www.examiner.com

Keyser Soze/Kevin Spacey – www.empireonline.com

Dark Helmet/Space Balls – http://www.geekimprovement.com

Am I Really Pouring Grey Goose and Velveeta onto my Broccoli?

I read a lot of health magazines. Not because I am a health nut, but rather, I find them relaxing: the beautiful photographs of clean and refreshing foods, the yoga poses for back health, the narratives about hiking and camping in Taos, and of course, the body cleanse.

All things I will never do.

Until I started feeling like a broken garbage disposal…with highlighted hair.

So in the effort to spring clean my life, I decided to jump on the granola bandwagon and detox my eating habits.

I read articles about others who braved the cayenne pepper and honey purification, juice fast, or the I only eat mustard sprouts and I feel great! diet. These folks discussed the hardships of saying goodbye to their morning lattes, the good habits they kept, the negative ones they removed, and how they reached a personal epiphany of feeling lighter and being enlightened.

Below is the account of my cleanse:

Sunday: After my third piece of pizza I slither off the couch and look in my refrigerator to prep for my diet detox. I realize I can eat nothing in my house. Apparently I have a lot of no-no foods. I eyeball the cardboard box in the recycle bin.

Monday: Alarm goes off at 5:45 and I get up and work out before work. I drink half a cup of coffee (the research suggests to wean yourself off caffeine), eat my all natural grain toast with almond butter, and a Vitamin C fruit smoothie. Lunch is a salad and dinner is…wait I forget what I ate, but I know vegetables were involved.

Tuesday: I get to work and have some coffee (I’m still weaning) and the same as above breakfast. I skip lunch so I can work out during the lunch break (sort of like fasting) and eat some hummus and veggies later. I read and inspiring article about a woman who went on a detox. She suggested drinking warm lemon water (gag), and eating homemade kale chips (no thanks, they stink like a five year old’s foot).

Wednesday: I go to Starbucks in the morning (Who are you to judge me?). For dinner I take my daughter to IHOP and eat half of her Funny Face chocolate chip pancake. She is not on a cleanse.

Thursday: Zero green foods are consumed. Instead I look at the grass outside. Then I drank some wine (It is best if your digestive tract is relaxed).

Friday: I eat oysters and shrimp with a salad for dinner. Good job. They may have been rolled in cornmeal and fried. Also, I may have drunk two vodka sodas.

Saturday: Let’s just call the weekend a “wash out.”

After my week, I still feel the same, but found some lifestyle changes.

Habits I will keep: Adding more fruit and natural smoothies to my diet.

Habits I will lose: Taking some broad’s advice on oven-roasted tubers.

My personal epiphany: I don’t like cleanses.

Will I attempt this process again? Most likely, because health is important and we should all take care of our own and our loved ones.

Just not if it involved stinky kale chips.

Am I Really Comparing Magic Mike to a Chimichanga?

Wow, those dudes are super gross. Beefy biceps, taught abs, and buns of steel – barf….is the way I would feel if this was opposites day. Seriously, those bodies are ridiculous. C’mon! Just look at Joe Manganiello, can a six-pack really look like that??

Since the movie came out weeks ago, this post is a bit overdue. I realize this. However I was on a Sea World vacation extravaganza, so please, indulge me.

A few weeks ago (yes, opening weekend), some friends and I hand dinner and drinks and pre-ordered are tickets to see Magic Mike. I thought that this would be some type of fun, light-hearted girls-night-out watching a silly flick. And by “girls” I mean “women in their forties ogling over twenty-somethings.”

I was slightly wrong.

The movie had a much grittier edge than anticipated. And while I could have watched Channing – oops my panties just fell off – Tatum dance for the entire movie, the movie left me with an eerie feeling.

When the credits rolled at the end revealing that Steven Soderbergh directed it (you know, the guy who did Traffic and Erin Brockovich), I felt like I was in the end of that Seinfeld episode when Jerry and the gang all exclaim, “Oh! Delores!” It all made sense then.

Armed with this directorial realization and having just returned from my San Diego-guacamole-induced-coma, I find it apropos to take a look at Magic Mike through the eyes of a plate of Mexican food.

Please Note – I am not a movie critic, nor have I ever been a movie critic. I do not feel a movie is complete unless it has at least one fart joke or Vince Vaughn in it, so roll with that when reading the below:

1) Characters – CHILE VERDE BURRITO – These characters are well developed and some even made me a little sad. I was left feeling satisfied and full, all wrapped up in one blanket of a story, and I even had a little left over to take home and devour the next day.

2) Acting – MIXED ENCHILADA PLATE – I thought everyone did a fantastic job. As a movie-goer, if you did not like one actor’s job, trust me, you liked another. There was something for everyone.

3) Dude-age – ULTIMATE NACHO PLATE – Everyone like nachos! And this movie was cast perfectly. Trust me, you will not be disappointed.

4) Plot – FISHERMAN’S PLATTER – Okay, I know this is not a Mexican dish, but let me tell you, that story was NOT what I was expecting. At one point I felt bad that I was just going to see Channing – oops I tripped and my hand landed on your pecs – Tatum. I wanted to hand out baked goods to male prostitutes and addicts on the street after I saw this flick. What I did not want to do was score a bunch of $1.00s from 7-11 and cruise over the Golden Banana off Route 1. And if you have ever had a Fisherman’s Plate, it’s pretty good at the time, but you do not want to take the stuff home with you.

5) Skin-to-Clothing Ratio – BEEF TACOS – I think this is self-explanatory. At one point it was too much (SPOILER ALERT – You know when Matthew McConaughey was “training” the new guy in those yellow shorts. I had to avert my eyes for a bit.).

6) Dancing – QUESO FUNDIDO W/CHORIZO – For those of you whom have never experience the magic of the queso fundido, I weep openly for you. This appetizer (if done correctly) is like a dream, wrapped in a wish, living on a cloud with butterfly wings. Yeah I know. So is Channing – did my top just fall off? – Tatum’s dancing. Holy crap people! I could have watched this guy dance for two hours without a plot or dialogue. Yes, he is that good.

Now you don’t need to go see the movie, just kidding. If you were skeptical, it’s worth checking out.

So grab the DVD and some Mexican take-out. See what dish, in your opinion complements the movie best.

Just don’t go full monty on your Del Taco. It will just leave you uncomfortable and bloated. No bueno.

Am I Really Practicing my Academy Awards Acceptance Speech in my Dirty Slippers?

I would like to thank the Academy, my parents, and my husband. I would like to thank Cabernet Sauvignon for being there…always. I would like to thank the Girl Scouts of America for producing the Thin Mint Cookie. I would like to thank my daughter for throwing away her granola bar wrapper instead of sticking it under the couch, like she usually does. I would like to thank my yoga pants for not walking out on me because I never actually take yoga. I would like to thank…….

Many of you tuned in this past weekend to watch the 84^th Academy Awards. Many of you could have given a sh*t. I am in the first category.

I loooooooove awards shows. I like the hoopla, the dumb interview questions when clearly the anchor did not see the movie, the ridiculously scripted banter between award givers, the slightly awkward musical numbers, and of course, the star watching. It is all just so exciting to me. I feel as though I am right in the middle of it.

But of course, I am not. I am here, at home, eating a lukewarm calzone and thinking, “When the hell did that movie come out? Did anyone go and see that thing? And why is Angelina standing like that?”

Although, it does make me wonder:

Why am I practicing a speech when clearly I have not been nominated for an Oscar (at least not yet!)? Somehow, I don’t think I am alone here.

People do not get thanked for everyday life events. Kids don’t walk up to parents and say, “Sorry you puked during delivery, but thanks for being a trooper and bringing me into this world. Oh, and P.S. – I hate bananas, but thanks for trying.” I have never heard a husband say, “Hey, thanks for nagging me to put the dishes into the dishwasher instead of just around it. It really does make more sense.” Women never say, “Thanks for repeatedly trying to get into my pants. If it weren’t for you, I’d forget I have a vagina.”

Bosses don’t thank employees for showing up to work. No one is applauding when you get out of bed, exhausted, and make breakfast for an over-exuberant child. Confetti never rains down on me at the grocery store when I remember to use my coupons and save $14.96. When a person finishes their “To Do” list, a rainbow doesn’t magically appear with singing munchkins as a reward. And when you sort and properly bundle recycle items, the garbage dudes never break out into a jazz routine just to say thanks.

So why do these Hollywood people get all the praise? Why don’t we have any everyday person awards ceremony? We’re here, everyday, making it happen; whether we like it or not.

One reason: lack of reality. These wonderful movie makers provide us everyday folk with entertainment. They take us away, far, far away from our everyday lives. They transport us to another land, another time, another reality. Movies are magic. They make us laugh, they make us angry, and they make us wipe our noses on our sleeves when we forget tissues while watching Marley and Me.

During depressing times, movies help distraught people deal with the harsh pain of poverty, loss, and feelings of being alone. Deployed soldiers watch them. Kids watch them. People who don’t even like movies watch them. They help people forget. They help people remember. And you know what? We (and by “we” I mean the Academy) want to thank the movie makers for this gift.

So good for you film people of the world! Be proud, polish off your golden little man and give yourself a pat on the back.

The rest of us will be awaiting our award for unclogging the sink.