Am I Really Taking a Nap During my Nap?

Labor Day has just come to pass. The celebration of all those who work in this great country. The government/society gives us this one day off for busting our humps the rest of the year.

The generosity is overwhelming you. I can tell.

Here are some definitions I want to share with you. LABOR: work, esp. hard physical work; to make great effort; have difficulty in doing something despite working hard; move or proceed with trouble or difficulty; till (the ground); and of course, the process of childbirth, esp. the period from the start of uterine contractions to delivery.*

Wow – this sh*t sounds hard. Guess what, a lot of times it can be.

Enter, the lazy train.

For those of you who know me, lazy is not a word used to describe me. Ever. I am the anti-lazy.

Lately, however, I just don’t give a crap. I want to whip my bra off, keep my pjs on, and hang a Gone Fishing sign on my front door. As mentioned in an earlier post, this does not bode well for me since the school year has just started and we have a million activities happening, including going back to work.

I think this yearn-to-a**-sit-and-stare-into-space has something to do with the fact that I have not taken any type of vacation for over a year. No clearing of the mind. Oh we had grand plans to get away, but then we realized we needed new plumbing in the house, so dreams of surf and sand went right down the toilet – literally.

As a society, we pack our days to gills. Who knows why. But we do it. Some days, there are literally not enough hours in the day to get everything done. School, work, sports, activities, traffic, trying the new Dorito Chalupa at Taco Bell. Yet sometimes we really need to do nothing.

Now let me preface, I do not suggest shirking responsibilities, but a little nothing every once in a while is a good thing.

Think of it this way, you use your smart phone all the time. Close your mouth, I know you do. You probably need to plug it in and charge it up at least once a day.

Guess what? You are the same way.

Our society reveres the over-doers, and looks down upon people who take life in the slow lane. Look at how we treat our elderly. We are annoyed by their slow pace and daytime napping rituals.

I actually overheard a conversation recently. It went something like this:

Person #1: “How was your weekend?”

Person #2: “It was great. We did nothing! We actually slept in.”

Person #1: “Must be nice to live the life of Riley. I had to help my daughter with her science project, I went into work, we had three soccer games, two birthday parties, mowed the lawn, and then finished painting the bathroom.”

Person #2: Silence. (Shamefully slinks away).

Okay, this conversation is not verbatim, but pretty close. The point is this – who gives a crap? Let somebody else do nothing. It is their life and maybe they need to take a break. And guess what? Magical unicorns are not going to fly down from the sky and award you with the busiest person award, give you a pat on the back and an Eskimo Pie, and then announce to all the land that you are so wonderfully awesome for doing so much.

What you do get is this – you get to be tired.

If we are constantly doing, how can we take a moment to look around us and really see what is going on? How can we create if we are always running from one activity to the next? And how can we be the best person we can be to our family, friends, and ourselves, if we are always saying “yes” to everything and never recharging our batteries?

So give yourself a break and others around you. Get your stuff done, then sit down and watch some bad TV. Read a book. Go outside. Let yourself think. You need this time.

Then you can go gas up the car because you have to drive forty-eight kids for carpool this week.

*From the online Google search of “definition of labor” and Wikipedia.

Am I Really Bribing My Child With McDonald’s/Candy/A Ghetto Toy from CVS…Again?

Yesterday it rained….a crap-ton of eye boogers. Yep, my little person was sent home with conjunctivitis. Awesome.

In speaking with the pediatrician’s office, the nurse asked if I would prefer eye drops or ointment for the situation.

“Err…which one will stop my daughter from kicking me in the bladder when I try to give it to her?” I inquired.

She said neither. So I went with the ointment.

Then the nurse informed me of the application procedure: “All you do is pull back the lower eye lid and make a pouch with it. Squirt the ointment into the pouch and have your child circle her eyeball around a few times. Oh, and she can’t touch her eyes.”

I think I laughed so hard I almost crashed into a Dunkin Donuts.

Yeah right.

So, I hung up the phone, collected my one-eyed monster from school (apparently communicable viruses are frowned upon), and promised her a new toy at CVS while we waited for her prescription.

Then, I promised McDonald’s for lunch because I had to drag her with me to a commercial audition (I could not have been more excited about kitchen flooring).

When the dreaded moment of eyeball application came, my daughter unraveled. So did I.

“Baby, you can have a cookie. A popsicle? Your name on the jumbotron at a Celtics game?” Then I vice griped her between my legs, anaconda style, pried her lid open and slathered on the juice. All while she screamed to a decibel that I’m pretty sure even Marlee Matlin could hear.

My carrot-dangling tactics do not only reside with medical applications, they have a far wider reach. School, church, grocery shopping, swim class, airplane rides, my well woman exam (that was a day), and the list goes on.

Commiserating with a fellow mommy, she worried her child would grow up to be a spoiled bully; expecting things for everyday activities.

I told her not to sweat it. That will be society’s problem. Then I peeled out of the school parking lot while throwing old Starbuck’s coffee cups out the window. Just kidding. Maybe.

While attachment parenting enthusiasts and the Dog Whisperer guy are probably shaking their heads at me, I’m here to tell you about the PROS of sweetening the deal for your little people:

1) A well behaved child…temporarily. While the results may not last long, you’ll get them.

2) Looking like a champ donating all that crap to charity. With the amount of trinkets your get roped into buying for your kids you could probably stock a Toys R Us. When you weed through it all you’ll save the day at your local charity/mom club/neighborhood garage sale with all those damn Squinkies and Zoobles.

3) Keeping your hearing. As previously mentioned children scream, a lot, when they are scared, upset, you name it. Some Scooby Doo fruit snacks can take all that away.

4) A well stocked pantry. You will need to build up your arsenal when going into bribe mode, so head to your Super Target with your coupons and grab some goods.

5) Sticker Removal talents. Don’t ask me why, but kids get rewarded with stickers for EVERYTHING. A scratch-n-sniff sticker to a kid is like a new tube of lip gloss to Lady Gaga. Major Score. However, these pieces of joy seem to find their way into the laundry, the back seat of my car, windows, couch cushions, water bottles, and on the dog. In time, you will find ways to get these things off of your home goods while only using three to four curse words.

6) A well-conditioned child. Just like Pavlov’s Dog, your child will soon learn that, “If mommy gives me these animal crackers while we are at Bob’s Furniture Store, I need to sit down on this hideous zebra-print ottoman and be quiet. Okay lady, you have twenty minutes to shop, make it count.”

While I don’t believe in bribing all the time, I’m not going to stop. Guess what? I feel less crappy too. No parent wants to scold their child; it’s not fun for either party. So if some new markers and a Hello Kitty eraser help the situation, so be it.

Just don’t offer a new parakeet – that’s just more poop to clean up.

Am I Really at Battle With a Bunch of Microscopic Bugs… And Losing?

Let’s talk about LICE baby/Let’s talk about you and me/Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad thins LICE can be…let’s talk about LICE…..

The little phrase, “My head itches…” can make a mother sweat like she has been living under the heat lamps at Chik-Fil-A. When my daughter let that one loose while pawing at her locks, I instinctively knew what it was.

Lice. Those rat bastards.

Not this time you little buttholes, I thought to myself as I whipped out the metal torture device – er – comb and started raking through her hair.

Boo. Nits.

Having gone through this fiasco a year ago, I knew just what to do. I called in the professionals and handed over my credit card. They came to the house with their special lights, magnifying glasses, and neroli oils. My living rooms looked like a scene out of E.T.

Usually, you can find zero helpful information on this blog. However, I feel that if I went through this hell, someone else is going through it and might want some advice.

Hang onto your hats people, below are some tips:

1) Magic Johnson – Good; Magic Potions – Not so much. Seriously, all those solutions, they don’t work. They might help a bit, but they will not get rid of the situation. They will however, make your child radioactive, so try to avoid them. You need professionals, or yourself, to comb out the nits with that metal-pronged comb. Get up in there mother ape style and pluck them out.

2) Pull Back Your Hair Bob Marley. If you are a girl with a decent amount of hair, put it in a ponytail or braid. When your hair is pulled back, it makes it more difficult for those little buggers to get into it. I’m pretty sure my daughter was attacked because she likes to whip off her headband and let her hair flow free a la Janis Joplin.

3) But you can eat off my floors – in fact my child just did! This was a hard one for me to get over. I’m pretty clean – scratch that – I’m anal. I nearly dip my child into a vat of hand sanitizer after school, playdates, etc. It does not matter how tidy you are, lice don’t care. In fact, they prefer clean hair. So skip a day or put hair product into your child’s hair. Apparently they don’t like mousse or gels.

4) It’s not syphilis, it’s lice. Your child feels like crap. His/her head itches so much that you can probably see flames coming off of their scalp from all the scratching. They will still want a hug, even while they sit with a toxic shower cap on. Give them one. No one is going to lose a limb from lice. But be smart and don’t purposely run noggins together.

5) Mary Poppins the hell out of your house. Wash everything – blankets, bedding, towels, throw rugs. Then, lucky you, do it again in a few days.

6) Too hot in the hot tub. Those little buggers can’t survive in high heat. Stick your throw pillows and bed pillows (sans pillow covers) in the dryer for 20-30 minutes. It won’t work for your child’s head, so please don’t stick your little one’s head in the oven.

7) Check baby, check baby, 1,2,3,4… You need to check your child’s head every day for up to two weeks. You may have missed one little nit, and now that dude has hatched and laid a bazillion eggs. Think Gremlins, they just keep multiplying.

8) Shout it from the rooftops. Seriously – you need to tell people. It may be uncomfortable, but you will find that people appreciate being informed. Tell the school, have them check the class. If you play t-ball, etc., tell the coach (especially if you share helmets). Tell your gymnastics instructor, your dance teacher, just tell people. This one mom at my daughter’s preschool did not inform the school or ANYONE that her daughter had lice. The case was pretty bad and her whole family got it. Lucky for us, her daughter “gifted” my child with this situation. Had the mother told the school or the parents, we could have been on the lookout and implemented some preventative measures. When speaking with her, alone, she said she was uncomfortable telling people about it. Hey I get it. It’s not like you won a cruise, your kid has lice. But let me tell you what is more uncomfortable – my foot up your ass b/c you did not tell anyone. Now my child thinks that bugs are eating her brain. Thanks lady.

9) Who ya gonna call….I cannot stress enough the value of taking your child to a lice treatment center. Just Google for one in your area. It may cost a few cents, but it is worth every penny. My daughter thought it was great because she got to watch the BRATZ movie and get a lollipop at the end. A win/win.

Most importantly remember that yes, you are a good parent. Child Protective Services are not going to come and get you because your child has lice. You did not neglect them or let them hang out with homeless people just to see what life was like out on the streets. As the saying goes, “Lice happens.”

Dealing with lice is frustrating, annoying, and may take a few go-rounds to get rid of it all. Just keep in mind, like bad tantrums, bad perms, and bad breath, this too shall pass.

So go in there with your pitchforks and torches raised and reclaim your child’s scalp! Just wash your hands after.