Am I Really Coughing All Over My Yuletide? And Other Stories from a Sickbed.

NOT how I felt about the flu.

NOT how I felt about the flu.

Christmas is tomorrow people. If you are Christian, agnostic, or a happy Pagan who digs Santa, then you are going to the “show” this Thursday. It’s a time for mad-cap baking; watching Elf forty times on TBS (Santaaaaaa!!!!!!!); and cursing Bed, Bath, and Beyond because they are out of the Boston Red Sox Meat Brander (maybe I’ll just get him socks).

During this time of year, Christians celebrate the birth of Baby Jesus.

Also happening this time of year, the United States celebrates the birth of the flu.

Wait, what?

One never really understands the voracity of their own health, until it is taken away…during the most wonderful time of the year…while a Mariah Carey Christmas song plays in the background.

All I want for Christmas is to stop coughing.

All I want for Christmas is to stop coughing.

But as they say, there’s a lesson in there somewhere. So, when the fever and chills took me to school, I took note.

Lessons I Learned while Sick this Holiday Season:

  1. Holiday shows on ION involve a lot of thoughtful starting. In fact, they run light on dialogue, but have it in spades with sighing and intent looking, all set to track music. Themes involve: engagement by Christmas, saving your marriage by Christmas, having your first kiss by Christmas. Nothing with wine and/or chocolate. Weirdos.

    I actually did not see this one.

    I actually did not see this one.

  2. It is both ironic and remarkable the number of Tamiflu commercials that play on TV, while you have the flu, and popping Tamiflu.
  3. I will never be on the Sing Off!
  4. According to the Profemin commercials, I am either menopausal or a very pissed off and tired person. Maybe I am pissed off about my menopausalness. I might also have erectile dysfunction.

    I get it buddy.

    I get it buddy.

  5. There is a karaoke television app. Please, for the love of God, do not tell my child’s third grade class.
  6. So. Much. Supernatural. Why?

    People really dig this show.

    People really dig this show.

  7. Oh look, nothing is wrapped. Aces.
  8. I have perfected by “Oh no, I’m not sick” phone voice. It is the same one I use for, “Oh no, I haven’t had four glasses of wine,” or the, “Yes, of course I am awake at 5 a.m.” voice.
  9. Being sick sucks.

Mom Sick

Every holiday season I look forward to sitting back and relaxing with family and friends. The flu put a little kink in that plan. While things are much better now, being sick really does open your eyes to what matters most and what you might want to shed from your life. Plus, I really missed my eight pots of coffee-style energy. Health is just too precious.

So this year, hug your loved ones, call an old friend, do something nice for a neighbor.

And for the love of all things holy – take your vitamin C!

Have a wonderful holiday and a Happy and Healthy New Year!




Photos Courtesy of:

Guy with the flu –

Mariah Carey –

Supernatural –

Elf –

Postcard –

Nine Lives of Christmas –

Am I Really Buried Under a Pile of Pottery Barn Catalogs?

Catalog Tree

Remember that line of dialogue from Forrest Gump? “Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far, far away…from all these Restoration Hardware Catalogs.”

Okay, so maybe the last bit is an addition, but while we snuggle under blankets with our hot chocolate, it truly ‘Tis the Season for giving and receiving five hundred catalogs in the mail. Every day.

So many glossy pages of monogramed sleds and puppy sweaters. So many ways to say “Happy Holidays” with a basket of pickled nuts. I have run out of space to store all things mail order.

Since it is also the season for pinning (a.k.a Pinterest prowling), I would like to channel a little Martha Stewart and list all the ways to repurpose those magazines:

    1. Tree Skirt. See above. p. 186. Only $98.99 $16.49! Order by Dec. 18.
    2. Holiday Foods. All too often I have asked myself, What the hell is figgy pudding? I have never tasted this delight, never been offered it, but we sure do like to sing about it in We Wish You a Merry Christmas! I bet you could make some in that Juice Bullet from the Bed Bath and Beyond catalog.

      Er - no thanks. I'm full.

      Er – no thanks. I’m full.

    3. Biblical Recreations. You could make a paper Mount Sinai for this Lego Moses (which actually might be a Lego Judas, but let’s not split hairs).  Moses
    4. Christmas Outfits for your Children. Let’s face it folks, it could be worse.
    5. Dog Blanket. Awkward Dog Blanket.   Dog Blanket
    6. A Not-So-Subtle Hint. Sometimes people need to be smacked in the face with ideas. Some people need visuals. Great. Do both. When inevitably asked, “Where did these catalogs come from?” Say, “That damn Elf.” Which leads me to……
    7. A Sad but Early Demise for you Elf on the Shelf. My daughter loves Elfie, but maybe the Elf gets wacked by a pile of catalogs. I don’t know. I didn’t see nothin’.  Elf
    8. Toilet Paper. Be THAT person who only wipes their fanny with the Weir’s catalog. Or maybe TP the neighbor’s house with Harry and David catalogs. Yep. You are just that classy.
    9. A Yurt for your Child’s Barbies/Chima Dudes/Star Wars Action Figures. Save yourself some money and time and build this dwelling. When your child start’s crying Christmas morning about how this is not the Barbie Town Home and/or the Death Star, kindly explain that it is 2014 and you are just being eco-friendly and trying to remove your carbon footprint. Then state that your family will be going gluten-free and swipe the cookie right out of her/his hand.  Yurt
    10. Re-Gift. Can’t figure out what to get the person who has it all? Give them a stack of your catalogs. Then they can look at all the stuff you will not be giving them this year.


Oddly enough, catalogs are like little presents in the mail. They are shiny reminders of all the cool stuff I will probably never buy, never use, but simply must have! I review them in a glossy-eyed stupor late at night, dog-earing every other page. Then I toss them in the recycle bin one month later.

Not this year. This year I have found many uses for the colorful registries. I also have found some pretty cool things which I plan on buying.

But not those pine-scented votive candles for $69.99, that’s ridiculous.


Photos Courtesy of:

Figgy Pudding –