Am I Really Letting the Hem Out on My Mini-Skirt?

Old People Dancing

The other night, I was rehearsing with my new improv troupe. We were sharing 5 Fun Facts about us. Along with my affinity for metal bands and the city of Boston, I mentioned I have an eight year old daughter.

A collective gasp came from the room.

Of course most of the group is still in college. So there’s that.

            Hmm, I thought. Which one of these is not like the other one?

This reaction seemed odd, because in my head, not much has changed since the eighth grade. I think the same, view the world through the same eyes, and I am the same height.

Except my age. Somehow, I got older while my mind stayed the same. How did that happen?

When around younger people, there are some behaviors which make me hyper aware of my age gap. Since I am big on super sexy lists, and buy super sexy I mean OCD, I’d like to share with you all the things which bring to light how I am no longer twenty:

  1. Smart Phone Addiction. Honestly, I could give a rat’s ass about being on my phone all the time or Snapchat. I just don’t care. Here’s the irony: if you are a person trying to move forward in this life, you have to be on social media, constantly culling for followers, posting witty things, and being edgy. I just don’t have it in me. I post when I feel like it, but would rather watch the sun set.

    What the age gap feels like.

    What the age gap feels like.

  2. Hygiene. Sometimes I just want to run a brush through a young twenty-something’s hair, and not in the sexy SkinaMax way. I sound more like the old Mrs. Wisenceck down at the bakery when I see an “earthy” young person, “You have such a pretty face. Why do you hide it with unclean hair? Here, take this kolache, you are too skinny.”

    This makes me want to stand up and brush someone's hair.

    This makes me want to stand up and brush someone’s hair.

  3. Sitting Down. I have actually muttered the words, “I can’t wait to sit down.” Who knew sitting down was something to look forward to? Here’s the kicker, after sitting down for a while, the words, “I need to stand up and walk around,” fly out of my mouth. I’m like a Selena Gomez /Justin Bieber relationship. Fickle.
  4. Health. I am a crap-ton (yes, this is a measureable amount) more concerned about my health today than I was twenty years ago. I have always been a physical person and a healthy eater, but nothing makes you think about your own mortality than a couple of health scares. You have one body. Take care of it.

    Wrong kind of crow's feet.

    Wrong kind of crow’s feet.

  5. A Sense of Urgency. When I was twenty, I felt like I had all the time in the world. I did. Now there is this sense to do more and leave my stamp on the world. I now understand the full voracity of the quote, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” We only get so many days on this earth. I don’t know my number, so I better not eff them up.
  6. Asking for a shawl when chilly, falling asleep anywhere, and eating dinner where I can get a discount. I have done all of these. Sometimes all at the same time.
  7. Going Out Just Because. I’m social, but the thought of putting on lipstick and listening to Jim from Finance talk about the conga line from his recent Carnival Cruise is just too much. I used to live for this nonsense just to get “out.”
  8. Emotional Outbursts. I wish I could say I am totally past these, but my hormones are going berserk, so no. However, this emotional rite of passage needs to stay. How else can you get to the other side of the bridge? There are pills for that over here.
  9. I Don’t Get the Show GIRLS. I have watched this show and it is so well written and acted. Lena Dunham has done a good thing here and I have much admiration for her. But my old ass just can’t identify with it. I usually end up falling asleep about twenty minutes in. Probably because I am sitting down…with a shawl.

    Sorry Girls.

    Sorry Girls.

  10. Late Nights. These are fun every once in a while, but my next day is wrecked. Plus, I can’t sleep until 2 p.m. anymore. I like the TODAY show too much to miss it.

I would be lying if I say I don’t miss my youthful, collagen-filled skin. I would be remiss in saying it doesn’t bother me that I have to fill out extra forms at the doctor’s office because I am of that age now. It would be a charade to think I don’t miss people calling me Miss, and now call me Ma’am.

But am I ashamed of my age? Nope.

I think I’m lucky.

I have been lucky enough to listen and dance to good music. I’ve been in love. I’ve had my heart broken. I’ve been so excited I have nearly peed my pants. I have laughed so hard I have nearly peed my pants. I have been able to buy new pants. I have struggled financially. I’ve had sex (let’s hope more than a twenty year old). I have known what it’s like to carry a child and hold her in my arms. I have lived all over the country. I have learned not to give a damn about some things and care more about others. I have made mistakes. I will continue to make more.

So if you ask if I am sad or embarrassed about my age, I will say no. Look at all this cool stuff I’ve been lucky enough to experience – for all these years. I can’t wait to get more of it.

Especially if it involves laughing so hard I pee my pants a little. That’s how I got my crow’s feet.


Photos Courtesy of:

Old People Dancing Cartoon –

People on scooters –

Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber:

Black Crow –





Am I Really Watching a Trailer for Another HOBBIT Movie?

It's a whole thing. I know.

It’s a whole thing. I know.

There are few mysteries of our world: the pyramids, Mount Rushmore, and who is Keyser Söze.

Now, we have one more to add to the list – the ninety-eighth installment of THE HOBBIT.

No offense to E.L. Tollhouse – wait – L.J. Tolstoy – nope, that’s not it – LL Cool J – no, that doesn’t sound right…J.R.R. Tolkien! That’s it! Anyway, that’s a lot of hobbits.

Do we really need forty-five movies for one idea? That’s like taking your leftover Thanksgiving dinner and stretching it out to New Year’s. Trust me, someone is going to get sick.

I understand the amount of backlash I am about to receive. People love their elves. I once performed improv with a grown man whose doormat was in Elven. He was so proud of his doormat, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it is NOT A REAL LANGUAGE. At least my Bank of America ATM does not give Elven as one of the language options.

A side note to the major motion picture studios – this is not a knock on you. I get it, these bad boys are money makers and you folks have been hit pretty hard. You need to bring home the bacon. Also, I am fluent in studio math: you need five Hobbit movies to make up for one R.I.P.D.

But enough.

There are a few reasons as to why we might need to lay Bilbo Baggins to rest:

  1. Actors. This cast is incredibly talented. No argument. But they are getting older. Do we really want to see an 86 year old goblin take their Boniva? While these movies are fantastic bread and butter for the actors, perhaps they want to try out different projects and roles. One that does not put them on the side of a lunchbox or require prosthetic ears.
  2. It’s Not Star Wars. As far as I’m concerned, they can make eight more Star Wars movies. And notice, those movies are about space. Space goes on and on and on. Gondor? Not so much. Also, the theme music is way better in Star Wars. Every time I hear the Imperial March I become slightly aroused. Just sayin’.

    Whoops! Wrong Imperial.

    Whoops! Wrong Imperial.

  3. Didn’t they find That Ring? Was that not their whole purpose? I thought they found it in movie twelve-point-eight. No need to belabor the point here.

    If I give you this ring, will you make it stop?

    If I give you this ring, will you make it stop?

  4. It was ONE Book. Yep, you read that right. There is only one Hobbit book. THE HOBBIT was published in 1937, followed by the three THE LORD OF THE RINGS sequels in 1954 (two that year) and 1955. They already made all of those The Lord of the Rings movies based on the books. Do we really need to squeeze so much from one HOBBIT book? Even the late, great writer of the series, J.R.R. Tolkien told me, “Maybe they should give it a rest.” I know this because I am a ghost whisperer.
  5. The movies are each Nine Hours Long. It’s like training for a marathon to watch one of these epics. A marathon of How long can I sit before my right butt check goes numb? Peter Jackson knows how to make a glorious movie, no doubt, but perhaps Gandalf can help him with the powers of editing.[cue lightning and thunder]

    I only know your name because I Googled it.

    I only know your name because I Googled it.

Before you Hobbit lovers write me Elvish nasty letters (which I won’t be able to read anyway), listen up. I have no disdain in my heart for these movies. They are beautifully shot, wonderfully acted, and beyond imaginative. Tolkien really was some type of genius when he created these stories. That, or extremely mentally ill. Perhaps both.

We just need to take a chill on the big-footed folk for a while. There are a million other sequels, books converted to movies, and movie re-makes. The general public needs to catch up.

Plus, bare feet freak me out. The hobbits could use an adventure to the land of Stride Rite-ion.

This kind of crazy I can get behind.

This kind of crazy I can get behind.


Photos courtesy of:


Bilbo Baggins –

Frodo –

Gandalf –

Keyser Soze/Kevin Spacey –

Dark Helmet/Space Balls –