Am I Really the Last Woman on Earth With an Only Child?

It sure feels like it.

A while back, I met a woman at a party who discovered I too had just one child. She scooped me up into her arms, gave me a bear hug, and exclaimed, “I thought I was the only one!”

Oh no sister, you are not alone. Word on the street is one in five families have only children.  Hmm, interesting. So why do I feel like I belong on the endangered species list because I have an only child?

Attitude.

I have run into many a mommy who has Spanish Inquisitioned me about my singular sensation:  “Is she your only one?” Yes. “Do you think you will have more?” Maybe, er, I don’t know. I’m not a soothsayer. “Did you plan to just have one?” Well no, it just kind of happened that way. (And my personal favorite) “Won’t your daughter be lonely?” We enjoy making her feel like crap.

Really?  At one point I started making up random medical reasons like, “I’m just not too sure about my uterus.”

While not ALL mommies have this mind-set (of course not!), there have been many who have given me the eyeball, slowly backed away, and then sat down with a gaggle of pregnant women so as to not catch my “small family syndrome.”

There seems to be some type of public shame for having just one child. I feel as though I should shroud my face and live on the outskirts of town. I don’t see why we can’t all get along. So I have one child and you have four, big whoop. We are both parents, I carried and birthed my child just like you. I breast fed and got up in the middle of the night to calm a sick child. I’ve been puked on and pooped on. While I can’t imagine what it is like to juggle four different children, is it really necessary to have an elitist attitude? Is there some type of “Be Like The Duggars” award that I am unaware of? Are we only-child-raisers not considered a family by U.S. standards?

I’ll be honest – third grader honest – the questions and superior attitude hurt my feelings.

And guess what? That “look how many kids I have, it’s too bad about your solitary daughter” mentality is hurting my child’s feelings too, so quit it. She’s not Orphan Annie.  She’s a little girl who has a dog instead of a sister. Geez people, haven’t you heard the bragging rights about being Numero Uno?

So I’m putting my foot down and squashing this “I’m on this side, you’re on that side” separation like a dirty bug. Let’s flip the script and talk about all the Pros about being the parent of an only child:

1)      We can all comfortably fit into a Mini Cooper.

2)      When the three of us walk down the street, we can form a perfect triangle.

3)      ONE college tuition…or tuition to Barbizon, whichever.

4)      I can easily hold my child’s hand while crossing the street and a large tote bag.

5)      I save time by calling just one child’s name to dinner, instead of going down a list.

6)      I’ve never heard a bank robber say: “I did it because I was an only child!”

7)      Famous only children: Robin Williams (Academy Award Winner), Natalie Portman (Academy Award Winner), Rudy Giuliani (Mayor of NYC), Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (Kick ass basketball player, and top notch actor in Airplane!), FDR (President of the United States), Cary Grant (swoon), Frank Sinatra, Lauren Bacall, and Robert DiNero, just to name a few. Not too shabby.

8)      When our child has a bad dream, we have plenty of room to snuggle in bed.

9)      I can drag her around on more errands.

10)  I can sit down…fairly often.

And the list goes on and on. I’m sure you can come up with a whole bunch more.

Bottom line – it’s the type of parent you are, no matter how many children you have. While I am far (like pretty damn far) from being the perfect parent, when I look at my girl and all the light she brings into this world and the people she meets, I go ahead and give myself a pat on the back. We are doing A-Okay people.

So when you see my daughter playing in the pool while I sit back and relax while watching her, don’t hate. We’re just like you.

Just a few people less.

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Am I Really Comparing Magic Mike to a Chimichanga?

Wow, those dudes are super gross.  Beefy biceps, taught abs, and buns of steel – barf….is the way I would feel if this was opposites day.  Seriously, those bodies are ridiculous. C’mon! Just look at Joe Manganiello, can a six-pack really look like that??

Since the movie came out weeks ago, this post is a bit overdue. I realize this. However I was on a Sea World vacation extravaganza, so please, indulge me.

A few weeks ago (yes, opening weekend), some friends and I hand dinner and drinks and pre-ordered are tickets to see Magic Mike. I thought that this would be some type of fun, light-hearted girls-night-out watching a silly flick. And by “girls” I mean “women in their forties ogling over twenty-somethings.”

I was slightly wrong.

The movie had a much grittier edge than anticipated. And while I could have watched Channing – oops my panties just fell off – Tatum dance for the entire movie, the movie left me with an eerie feeling.

When the credits rolled at the end revealing that Steven Soderbergh directed it (you know, the guy who did Traffic and Erin Brockovich), I felt like I was in the end of that Seinfeld episode when Jerry and the gang all exclaim, “Oh! Delores!” It all made sense then.

Armed with this directorial realization and having just returned from my San Diego-guacamole-induced-coma, I find it apropos to take a look at Magic Mike through the eyes of a plate of Mexican food.

Please Note – I am not a movie critic, nor have I ever been a movie critic. I do not feel a movie is complete unless it has at least one fart joke or Vince Vaughn in it, so roll with that when reading the below:

1)      Characters – CHILE VERDE BURRITO – These characters are well developed and some even made me a little sad.  I was left feeling satisfied and full, all wrapped up in one blanket of a story, and I even had a little left over to take home and devour the next day.

2)      Acting – MIXED ENCHILADA PLATE – I thought everyone did a fantastic job. As a movie-goer, if you did not like one actor’s job, trust me, you liked another. There was something for everyone.

3)      Dude-age – ULTIMATE NACHO PLATE – Everyone like nachos! And this movie was cast perfectly. Trust me, you will not be disappointed.

4)      Plot – FISHERMAN’S PLATTER – Okay, I know this is not a Mexican dish, but let me tell you, that story was NOT what I was expecting.  At one point I felt bad that I was just going to see Channing – oops I tripped and my hand landed on your pecs – Tatum. I wanted to hand out baked goods to male prostitutes and addicts on the street after I saw this flick. What I did not want to do was score a bunch of $1.00s from 7-11 and cruise over the Golden Banana off Route 1. And if you have ever had a Fisherman’s Plate, it’s pretty good at the time, but you do not want to take the stuff home with you.

5)      Skin-to-Clothing Ratio – BEEF TACOS – I think this is self-explanatory.  At one point it was too much (SPOILER ALERT – You know when Matthew McConaughey was “training” the new guy in those yellow shorts. I had to avert my eyes for a bit.).

6)      Dancing – QUESO FUNDIDO W/CHORIZO – For those of you whom have never experience the magic of the queso fundido, I weep openly for you. This appetizer (if done correctly) is like a dream, wrapped in a wish, living on a cloud with butterfly wings. Yeah I know. So is Channing – did my top just fall off? – Tatum’s dancing. Holy crap people! I could have watched this guy dance for two hours without a plot or dialogue. Yes, he is that good.

Now you don’t need to go see the movie, just kidding. If you were skeptical, it’s worth checking out.

So grab the DVD and some Mexican take-out.  See what dish, in your opinion complements the movie best.

Just don’t go full monty on your Del Taco. It will just leave you uncomfortable and bloated. No bueno.