Am I Really 0 for 1 in the Parenting Department?

The school year is coming to a close and many of you are welcoming summer with glee. As your child graduates from one grade to the next, you may feel the pang in your heart knowing that yes, your baby is growing up. My daughter will be saying good-bye to Kindergarten this year and I have to keep myself from letting the torrent of tears flow down my face, because….

…I am going to miss the crap out of my daughter’s teacher. Seriously. This woman is the Child Whisperer. Whoever is your kid’s teacher, ours is better – trust me.

While my daughter learned to read this past year, I learned what a crappy parent I am, thanks to the talents of the wonderful Mrs. Blank (let’s keep her real name under wraps). With her magic wand of awesomeness, Mrs. Blank was able to get the children to do such things as:

1) Sit when asked.

2) Put away toys – on the first request.

3) Be quiet and – wait for it – listen. (I know!)

4) Keep underpants on at all times.

She did this and so much more all while NEVER raising her voice. In fact, she sometimes whispered, yes, whispered to get the attention of the class.

I can’t get my child to do any of the above unless threats are made of an untimely Barbie demise. Someone should reward this lady.

When discussing end of school year gifts for the teacher and teaching assistant, I suggested a house in the Caymans and an Audi respectively. I was informed that these items were a little over our budget. We decided on a decorative pin. Oh well.

Nonetheless, I realized that while I may not be able to reward my daughter’s fan-tab-u-lous teacher, I could still milk her for information. Therefore, I have compiled a list of pertinent questions before I say my final goodbyes to Mrs. Blank:

1) Do you conduct certification courses? I must have skipped the training classes at the hospital after I gave birth to my daughter. Perhaps I could take a fast track one – like getting a GED.

2) Do you conduct home visits?

3) Are you related to the Super Nanny?

4) Are you coming with us to the First Grade? Oh no? Well then, can you come back when my daughter turns fifteen? I have a feeling that the you-know-what is gonna hit the fan at that time – Hurricane Bob style.

5) Are you a robot?

6) Was Mary Poppins your grandmother? (Why are all the best child wranglers from England? Hmmm.)

7) Do you work with dogs?

8) Can you do anything about my spit ends? (Hey, it’s worth a try.)

9) Are you a magician?

10) Are you running for office? No? Well can I put your name down and vote for you anyway?

11) Can you get my husband to stop snoring/throw his fruit roll-up wrappers into the trash/wipe his chin after eating corn on the cob/stop watching American Pickers at volume 289?

I have many more questions to ask Mrs. Blank, but this is a start. And while I do feel slightly, okay, massively inadequate in the parenting skills department when I’m around Mrs. Blank, oh well. My daughter is still my daughter, and I am still her mommy, and that’s the way I like it. She’s my girl and that’s that.

Even if I can’t get her to pick up her f*&%ing toys.

Am I Really Wondering Why Anastasia from 50 Shades of Grey Is not Peeing After Sex?

I know, I know. Everyone is talking about this damn book. It was spoofed on Saturday Night Live (quite brilliantly, I might add), Ellen read some excerpts aloud, and every morning talk show has given their two cents about this erotic novel. Old news, I get it.

However…

In reading the first of the three-part series, I have encountered some territory that has not yet been discussed.

1) Can a woman orgasm that easily and that many times when she was just de-flowered a week ago? If so, where does she buy her vitamins? I don’t know about you, but I surely did not reach an “ecstatic release” my first time. It was more of a “what the hell was that?” The “cosmic orgasm” did not come (get it?) until much later after some practice. Who the hell is this broad?

2) Why isn’t Ana peeing after all that sex? I know I have posted this life altering question before, but really, why? That’s just Doin’ It 101. It’s a massive UTI waiting to happen.

3) Who eats Pasta Bolognese only to get your freak on five minutes later? Don’t they get side cramps? Everyone knows you need to wait a good thirty minutes before rigorous exercise.

4) Are you f’ing serious with the dialogue? I mean it, read it out loud. Now do it again but with a Fozzy Bear voice. Hilarious. I love me some boom boom, but if my husband came up to me and said, “Turn around, I am going to f*ck you hard from behind. This is for my pleasure only. You cannot come.” I would laugh in his face and then tell him to move out of the way because Modern Family is on.

The formal language. People just don’t talk like that in today’s society; certainly not people in their twenties. They sound like fifty year old British women. Oh wait, it was written by a fifty year old British woman.

5) And what about the guys? Don’t they benefit from this erotic romance novel? When my husband first saw the book in the house he scoffed, “What are you doing with that porno book?” It was as if I brought another man into the house. After a few days he said I should read the book four more times. I informed him it was a trilogy; he fist pumped the air and shouted “I win!” Yes guys, you too can benefit from this work of nipple-clamping fiction.

6) How the hell are they are they going to make a movie out of this? Oh you know they are going to. That’s the new wave of Hollywood – make a motion picture out of a best seller. But how?? That’s a lot of full frontal. It might end up being just like 9 ½ Weeks, but with bossier sex.

7) Bitch please! A twenty-two year old supposedly “smokin’ hot” college senior – who is a virgin? Maybe if this was 1920. Oh, and she does not own a cell phone OR a computer. WTF? I would believe that “Lovey” from Gilligan’s Island was into S & M before I would believe in a twenty-two year old virgin.

8) Somebody grab a red pen. Seriously. I am queen of the typos, BUT I do not have a published novel (yet). I caught ten typos (misspelled words, word omissions) in the first novel. If my blind eyes can find typos in between the butt slapping and horse crop whacking, then that’s sayin’ something.

Regardless of the above issues, I am onto the second book in the series because I HAVE TO KNOW what happens to these two addictive nut jobs. My hat tips off to E.L. James because she has created the Holy Grail for the hard-up, forty-something married woman. It is some serious fantasy candy. And while the dominant/submissive thing is not for me, I am not going to rain on someone else’s genital clamp – er – parade.

If you’re curious, go check it out. Your husband will thank you.

Photo Courtesy of:

http://www.babble.com

Am I Really at Battle With a Bunch of Microscopic Bugs… And Losing?

Let’s talk about LICE baby/Let’s talk about you and me/Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad thins LICE can be…let’s talk about LICE…..

The little phrase, “My head itches…” can make a mother sweat like she has been living under the heat lamps at Chik-Fil-A. When my daughter let that one loose while pawing at her locks, I instinctively knew what it was.

Lice. Those rat bastards.

Not this time you little buttholes, I thought to myself as I whipped out the metal torture device – er – comb and started raking through her hair.

Boo. Nits.

Having gone through this fiasco a year ago, I knew just what to do. I called in the professionals and handed over my credit card. They came to the house with their special lights, magnifying glasses, and neroli oils. My living rooms looked like a scene out of E.T.

Usually, you can find zero helpful information on this blog. However, I feel that if I went through this hell, someone else is going through it and might want some advice.

Hang onto your hats people, below are some tips:

1) Magic Johnson – Good; Magic Potions – Not so much. Seriously, all those solutions, they don’t work. They might help a bit, but they will not get rid of the situation. They will however, make your child radioactive, so try to avoid them. You need professionals, or yourself, to comb out the nits with that metal-pronged comb. Get up in there mother ape style and pluck them out.

2) Pull Back Your Hair Bob Marley. If you are a girl with a decent amount of hair, put it in a ponytail or braid. When your hair is pulled back, it makes it more difficult for those little buggers to get into it. I’m pretty sure my daughter was attacked because she likes to whip off her headband and let her hair flow free a la Janis Joplin.

3) But you can eat off my floors – in fact my child just did! This was a hard one for me to get over. I’m pretty clean – scratch that – I’m anal. I nearly dip my child into a vat of hand sanitizer after school, playdates, etc. It does not matter how tidy you are, lice don’t care. In fact, they prefer clean hair. So skip a day or put hair product into your child’s hair. Apparently they don’t like mousse or gels.

4) It’s not syphilis, it’s lice. Your child feels like crap. His/her head itches so much that you can probably see flames coming off of their scalp from all the scratching. They will still want a hug, even while they sit with a toxic shower cap on. Give them one. No one is going to lose a limb from lice. But be smart and don’t purposely run noggins together.

5) Mary Poppins the hell out of your house. Wash everything – blankets, bedding, towels, throw rugs. Then, lucky you, do it again in a few days.

6) Too hot in the hot tub. Those little buggers can’t survive in high heat. Stick your throw pillows and bed pillows (sans pillow covers) in the dryer for 20-30 minutes. It won’t work for your child’s head, so please don’t stick your little one’s head in the oven.

7) Check baby, check baby, 1,2,3,4… You need to check your child’s head every day for up to two weeks. You may have missed one little nit, and now that dude has hatched and laid a bazillion eggs. Think Gremlins, they just keep multiplying.

8) Shout it from the rooftops. Seriously – you need to tell people. It may be uncomfortable, but you will find that people appreciate being informed. Tell the school, have them check the class. If you play t-ball, etc., tell the coach (especially if you share helmets). Tell your gymnastics instructor, your dance teacher, just tell people. This one mom at my daughter’s preschool did not inform the school or ANYONE that her daughter had lice. The case was pretty bad and her whole family got it. Lucky for us, her daughter “gifted” my child with this situation. Had the mother told the school or the parents, we could have been on the lookout and implemented some preventative measures. When speaking with her, alone, she said she was uncomfortable telling people about it. Hey I get it. It’s not like you won a cruise, your kid has lice. But let me tell you what is more uncomfortable – my foot up your ass b/c you did not tell anyone. Now my child thinks that bugs are eating her brain. Thanks lady.

9) Who ya gonna call….I cannot stress enough the value of taking your child to a lice treatment center. Just Google for one in your area. It may cost a few cents, but it is worth every penny. My daughter thought it was great because she got to watch the BRATZ movie and get a lollipop at the end. A win/win.

Most importantly remember that yes, you are a good parent. Child Protective Services are not going to come and get you because your child has lice. You did not neglect them or let them hang out with homeless people just to see what life was like out on the streets. As the saying goes, “Lice happens.”

Dealing with lice is frustrating, annoying, and may take a few go-rounds to get rid of it all. Just keep in mind, like bad tantrums, bad perms, and bad breath, this too shall pass.

So go in there with your pitchforks and torches raised and reclaim your child’s scalp! Just wash your hands after.