Am I Really Living in a Recurring Dream? So Why Aren’t My Boobs Bigger?

What I aspire to do.

What is actually happening.

Some of you may have heard the expression, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

Apparently I need a one-way ticket to the funny farm based on the above quote.

Why do we repeat behaviors when they get us nowhere? And have you noticed life is a circle? Not just The Lion King’s circle of life, but also the circle of reappearing situations and people that elbow their way into our lives.

The cycle can be anything from reoccurring negative relationships (Must I always date someone who’s into Yoda?), to needless spending (Well the electric bill won’t get paid this month, so it’s a good thing I have these ninety-two candles on hand), to working the same crappy job, but in a different location (Awesome, more spreadsheets).

In the vein of airing dirty laundry, three major issues seem to follow me around like a fart into an elevator: 1) Running late (everywhere); 2) Overspending; and 3) A promise to take up yoga.

It’s time for me to get off this crazy train, so I devised some solutions.

Let’s start backwards with the most mundane hula-hoop item and its proposed fix.

YOGA: For nearly a decade “Take a Yoga Class” has been on my To Do list. The number of yoga classes I have taken during that time: three. I hate it. I don’t really know why I put this on my list, but everyone keeps telling me it is fantastic for peace of mind and flexibility and blah blah blah. I would not mind limbering up since a seated toe-touch stretch would require a state of emergency; complete with fire trucks and pulley devices. SOLUTION: Where yoga pants. Perhaps while running or just sitting.

OVER-SPENDING: I’m not much of a saver. Or as my husband puts it, “What the @$%* did you buy at Target??!!!” This issue would probably happen more often, but luckily I just don’t have the dinero to spend. At least I make sure all the bills are paid before I go buck wild at Walgreens. I am a responsible over-spender. SOLUTION: A Budget. I have tracked my spending over the last couple of months (ouch!) and am now working on cutting back. I’ll let you know how it goes.

RUNNING LATE: This has gone on since the beginning of time – that is – my time on earth. I like to say sassy things like, “I was born late.” Which is true, but not an accepted excuse for my daughter’s dance teacher. This one is super bad. I find myself thinking I can accomplish more in a certain time frame than is what is actually possible. SOLUTION: Don’t go anywhere (just kidding). I have tried to trick myself and set the clocks in my house five minutes ahead, it does not work. The end result is that I am really good at subtraction. I am still working on this problem area (sort of) and trying to cut back on what I do before I leave the house. Once again, I’ll keep you posted.

My goal is to break the negative circle of sameness. Hopefully I will be successful, and I wish the same for you dear reader, whatever your habit.

But if you see a small woman frantically running down the street holding an un-used yoga mat and a maxed-out credit card – you will know I have a long way to go.

Am I Really Aching for Boston?

Yes. I am.

And so is the rest of the country.

I have nothing cute, quippy, or even creative to say here. In fact, what I am feeling and thinking has already been said by others far more eloquent than I.

Apparently words don’t stop the bad guys.

Like the rest of the world, I don’t have any answers, only more questions. I do not have a magic eraser to make all the hurt and pain go away from those affected by this and many other tragedies; I only have a shoulder to cry on. I am not equipped with radar to detect all the evil in the world, but I do have one thing.

Hope.

While I worry about the world in which my daughter will grow up – I choose to surround myself and her in a world where goodness lives. I will forever believe that while some people are complete a**holes, most give a damn.

I am sick over what happened Monday in Boston. I still can’t comprehend what happened in Newtown, CT. I don’t think I ever will. The news drags me down on a constant basis. I lock my doors. I look over my shoulder. In the dark, I am cautious.

But I still hope.

And sometimes, that is all we can do.

Well, that and start bulking up on creatine shakes to kick some psycho’s ass.

PS – This photo was take almost two years ago in the Back Back of Boston. Still one of the most beautiful places.

Am I Really Pouring Grey Goose and Velveeta onto my Broccoli?

I read a lot of health magazines. Not because I am a health nut, but rather, I find them relaxing: the beautiful photographs of clean and refreshing foods, the yoga poses for back health, the narratives about hiking and camping in Taos, and of course, the body cleanse.

All things I will never do.

Until I started feeling like a broken garbage disposal…with highlighted hair.

So in the effort to spring clean my life, I decided to jump on the granola bandwagon and detox my eating habits.

I read articles about others who braved the cayenne pepper and honey purification, juice fast, or the I only eat mustard sprouts and I feel great! diet. These folks discussed the hardships of saying goodbye to their morning lattes, the good habits they kept, the negative ones they removed, and how they reached a personal epiphany of feeling lighter and being enlightened.

Below is the account of my cleanse:

Sunday: After my third piece of pizza I slither off the couch and look in my refrigerator to prep for my diet detox. I realize I can eat nothing in my house. Apparently I have a lot of no-no foods. I eyeball the cardboard box in the recycle bin.

Monday: Alarm goes off at 5:45 and I get up and work out before work. I drink half a cup of coffee (the research suggests to wean yourself off caffeine), eat my all natural grain toast with almond butter, and a Vitamin C fruit smoothie. Lunch is a salad and dinner is…wait I forget what I ate, but I know vegetables were involved.

Tuesday: I get to work and have some coffee (I’m still weaning) and the same as above breakfast. I skip lunch so I can work out during the lunch break (sort of like fasting) and eat some hummus and veggies later. I read and inspiring article about a woman who went on a detox. She suggested drinking warm lemon water (gag), and eating homemade kale chips (no thanks, they stink like a five year old’s foot).

Wednesday: I go to Starbucks in the morning (Who are you to judge me?). For dinner I take my daughter to IHOP and eat half of her Funny Face chocolate chip pancake. She is not on a cleanse.

Thursday: Zero green foods are consumed. Instead I look at the grass outside. Then I drank some wine (It is best if your digestive tract is relaxed).

Friday: I eat oysters and shrimp with a salad for dinner. Good job. They may have been rolled in cornmeal and fried. Also, I may have drunk two vodka sodas.

Saturday: Let’s just call the weekend a “wash out.”

After my week, I still feel the same, but found some lifestyle changes.

Habits I will keep: Adding more fruit and natural smoothies to my diet.

Habits I will lose: Taking some broad’s advice on oven-roasted tubers.

My personal epiphany: I don’t like cleanses.

Will I attempt this process again? Most likely, because health is important and we should all take care of our own and our loved ones.

Just not if it involved stinky kale chips.

Am I Really Back in the Saddle, But My Chaps are Chaffing Me?

And just like that – I have a job.

This is what I want everyone to do right now: stand up and start clapping.

No, not for me, for all the working moms out there making it happen every day. I seriously don’t know how they do it five days a week, year-round.

This sh*t is tiring.

Oh sure, I went back to work right after my daughter was born, but she wasn’t sleeping through the night at that point and my boobs were like cow utters, so I had no idea what was going on. Then I quit four months later.

Now – I am wide awake and have realized a few things:

1) I have no pants. Who doesn’t have any pants? Me apparently. Well, I have one pair of pants which are slightly large and have a late nineties vibe to them. That goes for most of my dress clothing I try to pull off as “business casual.” I miss my uniform of jeans and a t-shirt.

2) Those who go to a workplace must shower and be presentable every morning. I cried a little when I couldn’t just show up to school in my pajamas and shoo my daughter out of the car. I also have to brush my hair more.

3) Nightly baths for my daughter are a crap shoot. After preparing dinner, making threats to complete homework (“All you have to do is color every other triangle for Chrissake!”), throwing in a load of laundry, and trying to clean up said dinner; child cleanliness goes out the window. Don’t call CPS.

4) Dog? What dog? Sorry chump, your daily walks take a back seat to dinner. Which leads me to…

5) …Dinner – you evil b*tch. It shows up every night, pans naked and waiting. I’ve been making a lot of pasta and pre-made skillet meals. The inmates are planning a coup. I’m not fooling anyone.

6) Remember when I could flex? Work outs have gone from a pleasant hour of body pump to, “If I skip lunch, maybe I can run around the parking lot for twenty minutes.”

I know all you mommies who have been at this game since the beginning are laughing at me. But I am getting the hang of things. I show up to work on time (I know, I can’t believe it either!), I am earning a paycheck, and it feels good to be using parts of my brain that were once solely reserved for: “Did she eat? Did she poop? Are we out of Goldfish? Wait, did you say that she ate?”

While it is a change to my routine, my family’s routine, and can be a bit daunting at times, it feels good to be back in the saddle.

That and I bought two new pairs of pants.