July | 2014 | Am I Really?

We live in the age of electronics. Kids are glued to their smart phones, IPads, IPods, Kindles, and laptops. Games, books, movies, and music are all on these devices. Any type of entertainment for both child and adult can be found on these devices.

Except toys. Effing toys.

I believe that all children should have toys. It builds creativity, problem solving, and develops motor skills.

But some toys literally scare the crap out of me. Like my daughter’s toys.

It is best to illustrate my point thought the art of photography:

Dolls. These b*tches freak me out. Their clothes are more expensive than mine, they get their hair professionally done, and they are always sporting that smug smirk. It’s like high school all over again. At least with Barbie, you know what you are getting – a slightly slutty doll. Barbie’s got nothing to hide. There are about 500 variations of her and one Ken. You do the math.

The other night, I walked into the living room after my daughter was in bed, flipped on the light and found this:

I think she was re-creating a scene from Mean Girls.

Avatars. While not really a toy, it’s as if my child went to a virtual Build A Bear and dressed up a stuffed animal.

Look as this Slick Rick.

It’s like Puss in Boots’ other brother – Huggy Cat. And what’s the deal with the butterfly hiding the eight ball?

Human-Size Toys. It looks cute, but really? I think this is the child’s equivalent to a body pillow. I found it sitting up and tucked in bed one morning. My daughter asked if she could take it on vacation. I told her we would have to buy a seat for it on the plane. She didn’t see the problem with this. Pray for us.

Stuffed Animal Hoarding. These things are like Gremlins – they keep multiplying every time I turn my back. They are at the fair, arcade, mall, other people’s homes, and every damn gift shot across America.

Here she is surrounded by them a la St. Francis of Asisi style. Let’s hope these all don’t translate to cats later in life.

I don’t have an answer about the scary toys. I’m sure my parents shook their heads at my belongings. At least our toys were somewhat functional: you could travel around on your Big Wheel; work out your brain muscles with the Rubik’s Cube, and when your parents yelled, “Go find something to do!” You could literally Sit –n- Spin.

Remember this little guy?

For now I will have to cohabitate with my daughter’s entertainment choices. They make her happy, feel safe, and bottom line, she likes them.

But if that American Girl doll asks for her own cell phone, she might end up in the shed.

Have you seen this show? It is on HBO and is fantastic! The acting is superb, the direction is gritty, and the poignant staring is at an all-time high. I cannot stop watching.

I also have no idea what the f*ck is going on.

It’s as if someone threw a bunch of Skittles into some pudding, baked it for an hour, and then served it up calling it meatloaf. Crazy, makes no sense, but I would still eat it.

When I watch this show I feel like that annoying person in the movie theatre: “Why is that deer staring at him?” “I bet that is his wife.” “See! I told you it was his wife.”

What does this even mean????

Let’s break down why this show is my new TV crack:

1) Acting. Okay, last time I saw Justin Theroux, he had hippie hair and was passing the gonge in Wanderlust. Looks like he found his “it” role because he is so real in this. Amy Brenneman – that chick hasn’t opened her mouth once in this show, and probably won’t. Her character is relegated to staring, frowning, looking confused, and poor penmanship to get her point across. She kicks ass in this show. Everyone else – all good actors. Not a weak link in the bunch. Maybe this series can loan one these thespians out to a Disney channel show. Their method of acting seems to be shouting.

2) Intensity. Holy crap. Here’s what I walked away with after the first episode – I am never letting my daughter out of the house. Theroux’s character (a cop), has a teenage daughter. She goes to a party where they are playing Spin the Bottle, but with a phone. They spin the phone. Instead of just having to kiss when the arrow lands on a person, the phone app has such directions as “f*ck,” “kiss,” and “choke.” I didn’t get the choke part, and then was like “Oh – wait – ew – Oooooh.” If that’s what an innocent game of spin the bottle looks like now, I’m shoving my daughter into the cellar. Also, I downloaded the app.

3) Storyline. Based on the novel by Tom Perrotta (who also co-created the series with Damon Lindelof for HBO), this show is a Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Apparently, three years ago there was a rapture-like incident in which two percent of the earth’s population inexplicably vanished. Including Gary Busey and Bonnie Raitt. The people in the show are the leftovers – hence the title. Sub-population: a group of quiet, chain-smoking, people dressed in mismatched white clothing. I don’t get them yet, but I am sure Tom Ford and the American Lung Association have a few things to say to them.

Lindelof and Perrotta. You people did this to me.

4) Crazy Ass Characters. We have the white-wearing, non-talkers; some bald guy who shoots dogs; a shirtless Svengali who keeps young Asian women around and is a bit of hugger; and then a giggling, tree-chopping Liv Tyler. At one point I expected Cornelius from Planet of the Apes to come waltzing across the screen.