Am I Really Coughing All Over My Yuletide? And Other Stories from a Sickbed.

NOT how I felt about the flu.

NOT how I felt about the flu.

Christmas is tomorrow people. If you are Christian, agnostic, or a happy Pagan who digs Santa, then you are going to the “show” this Thursday. It’s a time for mad-cap baking; watching Elf forty times on TBS (Santaaaaaa!!!!!!!); and cursing Bed, Bath, and Beyond because they are out of the Boston Red Sox Meat Brander (maybe I’ll just get him socks).

During this time of year, Christians celebrate the birth of Baby Jesus.

Also happening this time of year, the United States celebrates the birth of the flu.

Wait, what?

One never really understands the voracity of their own health, until it is taken away…during the most wonderful time of the year…while a Mariah Carey Christmas song plays in the background.

All I want for Christmas is to stop coughing.

All I want for Christmas is to stop coughing.

But as they say, there’s a lesson in there somewhere. So, when the fever and chills took me to school, I took note.

Lessons I Learned while Sick this Holiday Season:

  1. Holiday shows on ION involve a lot of thoughtful starting. In fact, they run light on dialogue, but have it in spades with sighing and intent looking, all set to track music. Themes involve: engagement by Christmas, saving your marriage by Christmas, having your first kiss by Christmas. Nothing with wine and/or chocolate. Weirdos.

    I actually did not see this one.

    I actually did not see this one.

  2. It is both ironic and remarkable the number of Tamiflu commercials that play on TV, while you have the flu, and popping Tamiflu.
  3. I will never be on the Sing Off!
  4. According to the Profemin commercials, I am either menopausal or a very pissed off and tired person. Maybe I am pissed off about my menopausalness. I might also have erectile dysfunction.

    I get it buddy.

    I get it buddy.

  5. There is a karaoke television app. Please, for the love of God, do not tell my child’s third grade class.
  6. So. Much. Supernatural. Why?

    People really dig this show.

    People really dig this show.

  7. Oh look, nothing is wrapped. Aces.
  8. I have perfected by “Oh no, I’m not sick” phone voice. It is the same one I use for, “Oh no, I haven’t had four glasses of wine,” or the, “Yes, of course I am awake at 5 a.m.” voice.
  9. Being sick sucks.

Mom Sick

Every holiday season I look forward to sitting back and relaxing with family and friends. The flu put a little kink in that plan. While things are much better now, being sick really does open your eyes to what matters most and what you might want to shed from your life. Plus, I really missed my eight pots of coffee-style energy. Health is just too precious.

So this year, hug your loved ones, call an old friend, do something nice for a neighbor.

And for the love of all things holy – take your vitamin C!

Have a wonderful holiday and a Happy and Healthy New Year!

 

#merryflumas

#Tamifluismylovershhh

Photos Courtesy of:

Guy with the flu – www.adpharm.net

Mariah Carey – www.fanshare.com

Supernatural – www.supernatural.wikia.com

Elf – www.thehandmadehome.net

Postcard – www.green-mom.com

Nine Lives of Christmas – www.pinterest.com

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Am I Really Raising my Lighter for the Ladies?

Lighter at a concert

So the news blows. Seriously, there is just too much junk happening in our world right now. At any moment I expect Godzilla to walk down my street and start fighting aliens from outer space.

Let’s focus on some positive stuff. I would like to dedicate this post to some people I really admire – most of them ladies.

We all have those we look up to, I thought I would share some of mine. It’s time to thank the awesome:

Please tell me you remember this.

Please tell me you remember this.

  1. Carol Burnett. I love this woman. I used to watch her show when I was a child and laugh my head off. She was a huge catalyst in my life to entertain. She’s still got it.
  2. Jimmy Carter. Okay, not a lady, but this guy is 90 years old and he is still out swinging a hammer for Habitat for Humanity. I want to hug him and put him on a coin at the same time.
  3. My Mom. I talk to this woman every day, whether she wants to or not. She always makes me feel better, about everything. Her attitude is amazing. She has also taken holiday decorating to an art form. Every holiday. Some possibly Danish in origin.
  4. People who do not inhale their food. You know those folks who gently put down their forks and then fold their napkins on their laps? I am not one of them. I’m like that kid who is scared their mom is going to take away their Snickers bar, so shoves the whole thing in their mouth. I wish I could be more demure. Or less like a Hoover at least.
  5. My Grammie. My mother clearly gets her good attitude from her mother, my grandmother. This woman is 94 years old and I have never heard her complain once. Which is shocking since she grew up during the depression. We could be sitting in a Don’s John on a hot day in the middle of the Mojave Desert and she would say, “Well, it could be worse I suppose.” She can also house a lobster roll like nobody’s business, which is really something since she is 98 pounds…oh wait, that’s where I get it.

    Come on - just look at Grammie. You want to give her hug.

    Come on – just look at Grammie. You want to give her hug.

  6. The dog that saved that runner’s life by finding help when she fell down a ravine. Okay, not a human, but I don’t know too many humans who would stay by a hurt person’s side, then run in the cold for miles, without food for three days, only to bark at someone for help. Sometimes I have a difficult time re-filling my daughter’s juice cup.
  7. Yoga Instructors. I just can’t do it. You win.

    Nope.

    Nope.

  8. My calm friend Shannon. I wish I could be calm like my friend. So much stuff has happened to this lady, but she just zens her way through it. I break a shoelace and will flip over my desk. She is also a fork down, “no thanks, I’m full” kind of person, which explains a lot.

    The face I make when we are out of peanut butter.

    The face I make when we are out of peanut butter.

  9. Amy Poehler. Once again, the comedy thing. I would love to grab a drink with her at an outside café and people watch and laugh and laugh. Hey, it could happen.
  10. Ladies fully put together with make up and pressed clothing at 7:40 a.m. school drop off…smiling. Those of you who know me are well aware that hair brushing is not part of my early morning repertoire. Those working moms who have to actually go to a place of business blow my mind. I can do it, have done it, but it nearly kills me. We need to give those broads the slow clap.

There are about a thousand more people I admire. Not all women, and not all famous. To me, it’s the “ordinary” people who truly do extraordinary things.

So during these Times O’ Crap (I’m pretty sure that’s what they are calling it on Nightly News with Brian Williams), take a look around and just say thanks for the good people who influence you to do better, to be better.

But do it after school drop off, when your hair is brushed.

I would love to hear about the people you admire. Please feel free to share below in the comments!

 

 

Photos courtesy of:

Lighter www.tvtropes.org

Carol Burnett www.visit-gettysburg.com

Yoga www.massageyogawellness.com

Animal www.partyworld.ie

 

 

 

 

Am I Really Pouring Grey Goose and Velveeta onto my Broccoli?

I read a lot of health magazines. Not because I am a health nut, but rather, I find them relaxing:  the beautiful photographs of clean and refreshing foods, the yoga poses for back health, the narratives about hiking and camping in Taos, and of course, the body cleanse.

All things I will never do.

Until I started feeling like a broken garbage disposal…with highlighted hair.

So in the effort to spring clean my life, I decided to jump on the granola bandwagon and detox my eating habits.

I read articles about others who braved the cayenne pepper and honey purification, juice fast, or the I only eat mustard sprouts and I feel great! diet. These folks discussed the hardships of saying goodbye to their morning lattes, the good habits they kept, the negative ones they removed, and how they reached a personal epiphany of feeling lighter and being enlightened.

Below is the account of my cleanse:

Sunday:           After my third piece of pizza I slither off the couch and look in my refrigerator to prep for my diet detox. I realize I can eat nothing in my house. Apparently I have a lot of no-no foods. I eyeball the cardboard box in the recycle bin.

Monday:          Alarm goes off at 5:45 and I get up and work out before work. I drink half a cup of coffee (the research suggests to wean yourself off caffeine), eat my all natural grain toast with almond butter, and a Vitamin C fruit smoothie. Lunch is a salad and dinner is…wait I forget what I ate, but I know vegetables were involved.

Tuesday:          I get to work and have some coffee (I’m still weaning) and the same as above breakfast. I skip lunch so I can work out during the lunch break (sort of like fasting) and eat some hummus and veggies later. I read and inspiring article about a woman who went on a detox. She suggested drinking warm lemon water (gag), and eating homemade kale chips (no thanks, they stink like a five year old’s foot).

Wednesday:    I go to Starbucks in the morning (Who are you to judge me?). For dinner I take my daughter to IHOP and eat half of her Funny Face chocolate chip pancake. She is not on a cleanse.

Thursday:        Zero green foods are consumed. Instead I look at the grass outside. Then I drank some wine (It is best if your digestive tract is relaxed).

Friday:             I eat oysters and shrimp with a salad for dinner. Good job. They may have been rolled in cornmeal and fried. Also, I may have drunk two vodka sodas.

Saturday:         Let’s just call the weekend a “wash out.”

            After my week, I still feel the same, but found some lifestyle changes.

            Habits I will keep:       Adding more fruit and natural smoothies to my diet.

            Habits I will lose:        Taking some broad’s advice on oven-roasted tubers.

            My personal epiphany: I don’t like cleanses.

            Will I attempt this process again? Most likely, because health is important and we should all take care of our own and our loved ones.

            Just not if it involved stinky kale chips.

Am I Really at Battle With a Bunch of Microscopic Bugs… And Losing?

Let’s talk about LICE baby/Let’s talk about you and me/Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad thins LICE can be…let’s talk about LICE…..

            The little phrase, “My head itches…” can make a mother sweat like she has been living under the heat lamps at Chik-Fil-A. When my daughter let that one loose while pawing at her locks, I instinctively knew what it was.

Lice. Those rat bastards.        

Not this time you little buttholes, I thought to myself as I whipped out the metal torture device – er – comb and started raking through her hair.

Boo. Nits.

Having gone through this fiasco a year ago, I knew just what to do. I called in the professionals and handed over my credit card. They came to the house with their special lights, magnifying glasses, and neroli oils. My living rooms looked like a scene out of E.T.

Usually, you can find zero helpful information on this blog. However, I feel that if I went through this hell, someone else is going through it and might want some advice.

Hang onto your hats people, below are some tips:

1)      Magic Johnson – Good; Magic Potions – Not so much. Seriously, all those solutions, they don’t work. They might help a bit, but they will not get rid of the situation. They will however, make your child radioactive, so try to avoid them. You need professionals, or yourself, to comb out the nits with that metal-pronged comb. Get up in there mother ape style and pluck them out.

2)      Pull Back Your Hair Bob Marley. If you are a girl with a decent amount of hair, put it in a ponytail or braid. When your hair is pulled back, it makes it more difficult for those little buggers to get into it. I’m pretty sure my daughter was attacked because she likes to whip off her headband and let her hair flow free a la Janis Joplin.

3)      But you can eat off my floors – in fact my child just did! This was a hard one for me to get over. I’m pretty clean – scratch that – I’m anal. I nearly dip my child into a vat of hand sanitizer after school, playdates, etc. It does not matter how tidy you are, lice don’t care. In fact, they prefer clean hair. So skip a day or put hair product into your child’s hair. Apparently they don’t like mousse or gels.

4)      It’s not syphilis, it’s lice. Your child feels like crap. His/her head itches so much that you can probably see flames coming off of their scalp from all the scratching. They will still want a hug, even while they sit with a toxic shower cap on. Give them one. No one is going to lose a limb from lice. But be smart and don’t purposely run noggins together.

5)      Mary Poppins the hell out of your house. Wash everything – blankets, bedding, towels, throw rugs. Then, lucky you, do it again in a few days.

6)      Too hot in the hot tub. Those little buggers can’t survive in high heat. Stick your throw pillows and bed pillows (sans pillow covers) in the dryer for 20-30 minutes. It won’t work for your child’s head, so please don’t stick your little one’s head in the oven.

7)      Check baby, check baby, 1,2,3,4… You need to check your child’s head every day for up to two weeks. You may have missed one little nit, and now that dude has hatched and laid a bazillion eggs. Think Gremlins, they just keep multiplying.

8)      Shout it from the rooftops. Seriously – you need to tell people. It may be uncomfortable, but you will find that people appreciate being informed. Tell the school, have them check the class. If you play t-ball, etc., tell the coach (especially if you share helmets). Tell your gymnastics instructor, your dance teacher, just tell people. This one mom at my daughter’s preschool did not inform the school or ANYONE that her daughter had lice. The case was pretty bad and her whole family got it. Lucky for us, her daughter “gifted” my child with this situation. Had the mother told the school or the parents, we could have been on the lookout and implemented some preventative measures. When speaking with her, alone, she said she was uncomfortable telling people about it. Hey I get it. It’s not like you won a cruise, your kid has lice. But let me tell you what is more uncomfortable – my foot up your ass b/c you did not tell anyone.  Now my child thinks that bugs are eating her brain. Thanks lady.

9)      Who ya gonna call….I cannot stress enough the value of taking your child to a lice treatment center. Just Google for one in your area. It may cost a few cents, but it is worth every penny. My daughter thought it was great because she got to watch the BRATZ movie and get a lollipop at the end. A win/win.

Most importantly remember that yes, you are a good parent.  Child Protective Services are not going to come and get you because your child has lice. You did not neglect them or let them hang out with homeless people just to see what life was like out on the streets.  As the saying goes, “Lice happens.”

Dealing with lice is frustrating, annoying, and may take a few go-rounds to get rid of it all.  Just keep in mind, like bad tantrums, bad perms, and bad breath, this too shall pass.

So go in there with your pitchforks and torches raised and reclaim your child’s scalp! Just wash your hands after.