Am I Really Wishing My Life Was a Zatarain’s Commercial?

Have you seen these commercials? Those people really love flavored rice. There’s the exuberant trumpet player, kids dancing all around the kitchen, and dad making googley-eyes at mom – all because of that boxed rice.

She is literally out of her mind about the jambalaya rice.

Wouldn’t it be great if life were always this exciting?

We should all incorporate a little more Zatarain’s type of verve into our every day. Just think of the possibilities!

Let’s take a look at some less than exciting situations and “Zatarain’s it”:

Standing in line at the DMV/Post Office/Space Mountain. These lines are a beating. It is usually too hot or too cold, the dude in front of you always has b.o., and you probably have to pee. Zatarain’s it! Whip out that boom box and start playing Wang Chung’s “Everybody Wang Chung Tonight.” You’ll get people dancing on the kiosks and throwing their paperwork in the air! You’ll renew that driver’s license in no time, and make some new friends. No one can be cranky when that song is on.
Filling out tax forms. Just shoot me now. We actually have a fabulous CPA to help us with our taxes, but it is still so tedious. Are we going to get money back? Can we write off my daughter’s Minecraft as a business expense? Zatarain’s it! Rip those forms in half while standing on a desk like Sally Field in Norma Rae. Then move to Canada.
Unclogging the shower drain. I don’t know about you, but I let the clogs in our house runneth over. Our shower is so clogged, I can take a bath in it after forty-five seconds. Why this is such a task, I don’t know. Zatarain’s it! Grab all those animated fish from Finding Nemo and make them swim down the drain to amend the issue. Oh the antics they’ll get into.
When your flight is cancelled after waiting on the tarmac for three hours. OMG. I want to pull my hair out when this happens. I am a nervous flyer to begin with, so just sitting there wondering if this tube is going to take off (leading to more terror), is shear hell. Zatarain’s it! Get those flight attendants to start passing out the warm nuts and moist towelettes. Anything from first class makes flying better. Even just one Andes Candy can make a difference.
Quizzing child on spelling words/homework. Nobody likes homework – especially parents. The spelling words are our Achilles heel. I hate it, my daughter hates it. She blows it off to the point of randomly throwing in the letter “q” on a word like “supply” just to watch me lose it. Zatarain’s it! Open a bottle of Pinot. Then call your neighbor over to quiz your daughter. A win-win.

Looks like somebody needs a bowl of yellow rice…

Okay, so nothing can make the above all that better, especially Cajun rice. But utilizing the Zatarain’s method, if only in your head, might help a bit.

Especially the next time Uncle Ned prattle’s on about the conga line from his last Carnival Cruise. With photos.

** Photos courtesy of Walmart,com, and ispot.tv.

Am I Really Brushing My Teeth for the Talent Competition?

Here she comes…Miss America…

Okay, so last night, the new 2015 Miss America was crowned. It was a threepeat with New York taking the title. This cute little blonde thing deserved it. She was humble, supportive, and her figure made me put down that second dinner roll. Well third, but whatever. She was so excited when The Bachelor’s Chris Harrison announced she won, I thought she was going to pass out, or vomit, or both.

I have always enjoyed watching these competitions. When I was a little girl, my entire family would watch the pageant and try to guess who might win. It was always a fun event.

Except the talent portion.

This area has always made me cringe. The opera singers, interpretive dancers, pianists – not one of these contestants really wants to partake in this portion of the evening. Even the dummy from last night’s ventriloquist act was like, “Do we have to?”

Last night took the cake. Miss New York performed her “talent” sitting on her fanny with some plastic cups while singing Pharrell Williams’ “Happy”. Then, to add insult to injury, there were these fun facts popping up during the performance. It was a 1990s throwback to VH1’s Pop Up Video. Seriously, one of the facts was “Enjoys street hot dogs.” What???

Watch it here : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqL4pcINCv0

While Miss New York received quite a bit of criticism for said cup talent, I think we ought to thank her. She has opened the door for all the pageant ladies who really don’t have a talent.

Gracie Lou Freebush anyone?

Let’s look at some “talents” that might work in the future:

Putting things away. This seems like a good one. You get home from the store and you have to put the milk and eggs away before they go bad. Perhaps there could be a “challenge” to see how contestants put things into the refrigerator. Is it all haphazard, or can they keep the cheeses organized? Like in a California Closet.
Paying a toll booth. Do you just throw the money into the catch basket? Do you use exact change? What if you miss? Disqualified!!!!
Pouring a cup of coffee. Pour a cup of coffee. Now do it while waving at the audience a la beauty queen style. See the talent?
Pretending “I just didn’t see you there!” We’ve all done it. Trying to avoid someone at the store, parking lot, Asian massage parlor. Maybe you don’t have the time to chat, maybe you owe that person money, and maybe you just don’t trust yourself to blurt out, “What the hell happened to your hair?” I bet these Miss American beauties could pull it off with sincerity. That folks is a talent.
Opening the door. There is not just one way to open a door. There is the one hand method, the push using your hip method, and the “after you” method. This talent could really highlight their congeniality skills – a two-fer!

I would have enjoyed this routine more.

Poking fun at the Miss America Pageant has been done ten times over; that’s not where I’m going. The Miss American Pageant is a national institution. It should stick around like apple pie and street hot dogs (see what I did there?).

But maybe they should loosen the reigns a bit on the talent competition. I really don’t think anyone would mind. I have never heard of a time when Miss America was visiting an orphanage, when all the children shouted, “We loved your baton twirling routine to Eye of the Tiger! Would you please perform it for us?” Nope.

So when watching the new Miss America perform her cups routine on YouTube, don’t roll your eyes. Instead, thank her. She has paved the way for other I-use-the-term-talent-loosely contestants.

And hey, you might have a chance in 2016 with all those recycling skills of yours.

Am I Really Telling Life I’m Too Busy Folding Laundry?

Like sands through the hourglass….

Life is funny.

Sometimes it is hilarious, pee your pants funny. Other times, life grabs you by the shoulders and gives you a bit of a shake. While laughing.

The other day I attended a funeral. It wasn’t my first, and it won’t be my last, but like all of them, it was extremely sad.

Mortality really gets a person thinking: love, family, that missed sale at Nordstrom all come into play. Out of all of the thoughts floating around, one really stood out for me:

I waste a whole lot of time.

If I were to kick the bucket today, I’d be super pissed. I have not done enough. There are still so many hopes, dreams, and episodes of Orange is the New Black yet to be fulfilled.

Oh sure, I’ve done a lot with my life – we all have. But all the time I’ve wasted? Ridiculous. I’m like the Ponzi scheme of time wasting. Just indict me already.

Instead of doing the big stuff, here’s some of the petty stuff which has sucked away my time:

1) Anger. What a time suck this is. I have let myself be pissed off about, traffic, running out of Pop Tarts, my husband snoring, my daughter forgetting her homework, the toaster burning my bread, and my shoe (yes, my effing shoe). Why? Did I feel any better? Get any closer to by goals? Nope. All I got was a vein popping out of my forehead and the need for a new pair of flats.

2) Laundry/Dishes/Paper Shuffling/Busy Work. Yes, yes I know, it has to be done. And yes, I feel a sense of accomplishment when things are clean and put away – which lasts about five seconds because everyone has dirty underwear. I just don’t think St. Peter is going to give me a free pass at the pearly gates because I scrubbed the sink when I really wanted to watch a movie with my child.

You are not the boss of me.

3) Jealousy. Look, I’m a nice lady, but not above the green-eyed monster. There have been times when one of my not-so-favorite people have succeeded at something. For a moment, I secretly hope they go on a norovirus-laden Carnival Cruise…to Gilligan’s Island. I’m usually thinking this while scrubbing the sink. Eff.

4) Regret. Kicking myself in the pants for a number of boo-boos, over and over again, has gotten me nowhere. I need to take on my father’s military line of thinking: “Well, you f*cked up. Move on. You’re still breathing.” Touché.

5) Laziness/Procrastination. Is watching Pacific Rim for a third time really all that necessary? Nope. Relax, then get your ass up and go write a chapter in your novel.

6) Facebook/Social Media. I like to be connected, but not that connected. Do I really need to know all the times a person ate at Pho, had a monster hangover, or ran out of Easter egg dye leaving them all “off-white?” Not really. People should post these things, it’s their life. I just don’t need to be viewing it all times when I really need to walk the dog.

Will I continue to make the above mistakes and waste time? Most likely. But can I make small changes to my daily life to focus on what is important? Yes.

Then once I remove all these life time wasters, I can focus on the funny ha-ha side of life. And maybe pee my pants a little…more.