Am I Really Looking for a 24 Hour Dunkin Donuts in the Middle of this Ant Hill?

Country decor. Also hanging above my bed.

Country decor. Also hanging above my bed.

I enjoy being outdoors. I love the fresh air, the flowers, the sunshine, and of course, the ocean. I get a little nuts when I am inside for too long, or in front of a computer. The need to run outside and stick my bare feet in the grass becomes so overwhelming, I feel like a Jodie Foster in Nell.

But I am a city person, through and through.

The other weekend, my family and I had the ultimate pleasure of attending a friend’s birthday party out in the Texas countryside. It was fantastic. The food was great, the people and southern hospitality – even better. But to say the property was “out there” would be a massive understatement.  It was dark – like The Shining dark.

There were some really cool things that happened way out in Timbuktu. We saw wild deer gather on our front porch, we caught up on some lazy Saturday afternoon hammock resting, and we drank a lot of spiked sweet tea. I mean A LOT.

But I did start to get a little bit bored…and freaked out.

I kept asking to go “into town,” which turned out to be an oxymoron since the town consisted of a school and a Starbuck’s in a trailer. My new friend Julie said that she had learned to really plan her family meals in advance because the grocery store was a good thirty minutes away.  Yeah, like three years in advance. And that “let’s get away from it all for peace and quiet” everyone craves is for the birds. All I kept thinking is no one will hear my screams out here if sh*t goes down.

Just another Saturday in the country.

Just another Saturday in the country.

It was then that I realized every country song is right: there is not much to do on a hot day out in the middle of nowhere, except eat, drink, sleep, and shoot stuff.

Not just a ZZ Top song.

Not just a ZZ Top song.

Our residence for the weekend was described as a scenic lodge on a lake. The lodge turned out to be an unfinished wood structure on a water moccasin embellished pond. Also, there was a boar’s head in my room. The only boar’s head I have ever been familiar with is the sandwich meat.

Deer are beautiful, however, deer ticks are not.  I learned about new species of insects that inhabit the earth with us, only in the country. I also learned to stay away from them because they could kill you. That was a peaceful thought.

It was a great weekend, but by the end, I was itching to go home. I needed to see people all around me and stores within an arm’s reach. Relaxing is nice, but an Open Until 2 am Wendy’s is better.

So if you are feeling like you need a break, go ahead and find your reclusive solace for a few days.

Then haul ass out of there because if the bugs don’t get you, some crazy mountain man will.

Am I Really This Excited About Sunburns and Mosquito Bites?


It’s already happening. All I want to do is sit around and well….sit. I want to drink a cold margarita on a hot day and get a tan. When three o’clock hits, I have to slap myself so I don’t ditch everything and go read a book on the couch. Or better yet, take a nap. And dear God, the new movie releases? Somebody hold me. They look so fantastic I might move into our local AMC Theater. That and they have a full bar.

Oh yeah, it’s summertime.

Doing nothing is not in my nature. The thought of sitting and relaxing seems like some type of CIA torture tactic.  I have recently come off a number of months of non-stop movement. They have included three moves (one out of state), a few personal tragedies, re-entering the workforce, changing schools, taking a class, volunteering, and well, just living.

I am not sharing this so someone will send me a Cookie Bouquet for my efforts (but I do love a large cookie). Every one of us has a lot on our plates nowadays. I only mention the above near-coke induced type of stress to illustrate why my body is naturally craving a sit-on-the-front-porch-and-drink-sweet-tea-all-afternoon relaxation.

Most people feel some form of the summer lazies around this time of year. The weather is warm and the sun strong, naturally sapping our energy. Cookouts become abundant, aiding to the sitting and eating way of life. Longer daylight hours allow us to enjoy the outdoors and lounge around.

I say bring it on.

We spend so much of our lives running around. Sometimes I go so fast that a week goes by and I can’t even recall what happened. I want to put that crazy b*tch in a box and enjoy the season.

Since summer is naturally a sensory time, below are some of the things I look forward to experiencing. Good and bad:

  • Licking the melting Popsicle juice running down my arm.
  • Smelling like bug spray and citronella everywhere I go.
  • Hair always in ponytail formation, or frizz so intense resembling the “before” in a Garnier commercial.
  • At the beach – every PB&J sandwich and food item tasting like sand.
  • Burning my rear end when sitting down in my car.
  • Taking my burnt bum to the movies every week.
  • Sand everywhere. Even in my wallet come late October.
  • Running away from bees looking like a cartoon character.
  • Listening to my daughter complain about the heat. Then watching her walk achingly slow to the car while my flesh starts to spontaneously combust.
  • My feet sliding around in my flip flops due to overactive sweating.
  • Reading all the Facebook posts about how hot it is, accompanied by pictures of the dashboard temperature gauge.
  • Watching the fireflies and fireworks.
  • Screaming like all those no-name actors from Nightmare on Elm Street when I find a gecko in the house. Then trying to catch it. Then giving up. Then finding it in the washer (why do they go in there???).

So start your slow down now. Sit on your porch, grab a cold one, and just look at the happenings outside.

Then go spray yourself with OFF, Silkwood style, because the bugs are insane this year.