Am I Really Begging Hollywood to Show a Real Family Morning?

Who are these people? Are they Dutch?

Who are these people? Are they Dutch?

Sunlight filters in through a window over a kitchen sink. Smiling and well-groomed faces sit around a clean and beautifully laid out breakfast bar. Fresh fruit, a decanter of orange juice, whole grain toast, and cloth napkins adorn the table. A father enjoys his mug of coffee while reading the newspaper. A mother, wearing a pressed shirt and slacks, lip gloss, and neatly combed hair, flips another round of fluffy pancakes onto a plate. As she places the stack onto the table for her bright-eyed children she announces is a cheery voice, “Okay kids, almost time for school. We don’t want to be late.”

This scene makes me wonder: Who the hell are these people?

I have yet to have a morning so awake, so put together, so relaxed. I am pretty sure most parents out there will agree. It is tiresome to watch movies and television shows portray the above ridiculously off the mark family morning. The sun does not shine at 5:45 in the a.m. people. Why pretend that it does? Is it to save on lighting?

In order to be of some service to the motion picture industry, I thought I would depict a more realistic picture of what a school/work day morning looks like:

6:15a.m. – The alarm goes off. I smack it like a dirty fly. Thank God for the snooze button.

6:38a.m. – I jump out of bed. Crap! I snoozed too long. I am probably confused and think it is 11:30 p.m. because it’s still dark outside. What a bullsh*t trick.

6:43a.m. – I wash my face and brush my teeth. I do this with cold water so I wake up. Actually, the hot water has not had time to heat up yet, so I really don’t have a choice.  There is absolutely no make-up involved. Nor a brush. I do rustle up an old sweater and throw it on over my pjs.

6:48a.m. – Still dark. I nudge our old dog to go outside and do her business. She looks at me clearly confused by the dark morning. She lies down and falls asleep on the patio. She does not pee.

This lady looks ten times better than me in the morning.

This lady looks ten times better than I do in the morning.

6:49a.m. – I pre-set the coffee maker (thank you Jesus), so I guzzle as much coffee, water, and juice as I can while watching the news. House fire, police chase, rain. Extremely uplifting. I make breakfast and lunch for my child. I drink more coffee. I am now ready to wake the beast.

6:55a.m. – I tip toe into my daughter’s room, turn off the night light, give her a kiss, and say, “It’s time to wake up.” She ignores me. I try again to wake her. Success! She welcomes the day with a, “No! Leave me alone!” I open the binds, which does nothing since it is all black outside. I turn on the bathroom light and try to coax her out of bed with, “It’s library day.” This also does nothing.

7:04 a.m. – A disgruntled seven year old sits at the table in her Hello Kitty pjs. Her hair looks as if she attended a Grateful Dead concert…in a tornado. As she licks the Nutella off her toast she glares at me and lets me know that I have ruined her day because I interrupted her sleep. Awesome. I drink more coffee, fill the dog bowls with food and water, empty the dishwasher, and turn up the volume on the TV to drown out her moaning. Oh good, it’s Matt Lauer on the Today Show. He is talking about a car bombing and a mall shooting. Also, it is still dark outside.

7:22 a.m. – I clean up the kitchen and cattle prod my child into her room to get ready. I go to the bathroom and quickly throw on some clothes. Again, there is absolutely no hair brushing involved.

7:35 a.m. – It is time to leave for school. I find my daughter in her room wearing only a shirt and underpants.  Apparently she has been busy reading a book while dressing her pink bear in a purple sundress. I say in a calm voice to my child, “What are you doing? We are going to be late!!!! We are leaving in one minute!” My yelling wakes the neighbor’s dog.

Our dog sleeps peacefully outside. In the dark.

7:42 a.m. – We let in our dog and head out to the car. Dawn has finally broken, so we do not need flashlights to see where we are going.

7:44 a.m. – My husband is still asleep in bed.

The only people I know who have on pressed clothing and make up at that time of day are the working parents and teachers. I’m pretty sure even they would not brush their teeth if they did not have to.

So Dear Hollywood: I am begging you, for once show a frantic parent losing their sh*t in the a.m. because their kids are refusing to put on socks.

I don't even know what's happening here. Someone is going to spill that coffee.

I don’t even know what’s happening here. Someone is going to spill that coffee.

I know, it is not as sexy as a fake mom making French toast for her clean kids, but at least it’s real.

All the early morning un-caffeinated parents will thank you.

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Am I Really Thanking the Olympics for My Laziness?

All around the world, spectators, family, coaches, and athletes have their eyes glued to the Olympic Games. I am no different.

I enjoy viewing these outstanding feats of agility and strength with a glass of wine in my hand, lounging on the couch…after dinner…of spaghetti and meatballs.

Watching these athletic specimens I keep thinking, “Wow! That’s amazing! And what are those weird muscle patches they’re wearing?”

Now I like to think of myself as a do-er, a go-getter. I make things happen in my life. But during these dog days of summer, all I want to do is lie down and read, then nap, then look at pictures of puppies on Facebook. So naturally, when I am sitting on my ass relaxing while watching the Olympics, I feel like someone has injected me with some ludes, then made me smoke out of a bong in the shape of Gerry Garcia’s head.

I can multi-task – yes. I have passion – yes. But laser-sharp focus – negative-o.  It really makes me think about all the things I could have accomplished if I had that type of tunnel vision dedication:

1)      A professional dancer. For reals. I was pretty good, like, could have gotten onto Star Search and met Ed McMahon good (we did not have So You Think You Can Dance then).

2)      Become a beatnik poet.  I went through this weird phase when I lived in LA when I would walk on the beach and write about my “hard times” growing up in a loving nuclear family in the suburbs.  Super deep. Give me some snaps.

3)      Won a Latch Hook Championship.  I cannot tell you people how much I was into latch hook as a kid. It’s something my mother would give me to do on family vacations in Maine.

4)      Grown my perm out.  At one point, I just couldn’t take it anymore and I cut all my hair off into a hideous bob. Yes, I am a quitter.

5)      Married Tommy Lee from Mötley Crüe. While I am still a massive fan of his (he kills it on the drums!), I’m pretty sure I dodged a bullet there.  If I had stayed really focused, gotten my boobs done, gotten my lips done, and only ate air for breakfast, I too could have ended up in a sex tape, taken him to court, and divorced him…twice.  I want to rock out with him, not microwave left-overs with him.

6)      Finished my novel, second screenplay, any other writing piece.

7)      Run the Marine Corps Marathon. Oh this one just makes me laugh. I signed up to run this marathon with one of my best friends. I dreaded the thought so much, I moved to California. True story.

The other day my daughter told me she wants to be just like me when she grows up. After I wiped tears from my eyes, I screamed, “No! You have to be stronger, faster, BETTER than me! Don’t settle for driving around with the windows rolled down listening to Hair Nation on Sirius XM.” Then I offered her a Creatine shake, which she respectfully declined.

While many of the examples above are silly, I do take a look back every once in a while and wonder if some greatness could have come from one my kicked to the curb talents. I am in awe of all of the athletes from around the world. I am pulling for our Team USA to reach for the gold. It does makes a person think, “Could I have….?”

Nope. Not me. I like life too much to focus on just one thing. I want to experience everything this place has to offer and meet as many people as possible.  Sometimes I enjoy watching coffee brew in a pot as the beautiful aroma fills the kitchen. I like to sit and stare out the window and think about everything and nothing.

Does that make me well rounded? Probably not. Did I miss out on a “great” moment in my life because I did not stick with something? Maybe. But life has been pretty good to me, and I can’t wait to see what happens next!

Right after I quit reading this book half-way through.

GO TEAM USA!!!!!!