Am I Really Busting a Roeper and Ebert on Talking Snail?

Bells are ringing, lunches are packed, and shoes are clean – for now. Yes, it is back to school time. Which means…

…You are free! You don’t have to spend eight bazillion dollars to entertain your child all day long! Most likely your child attended a camp, or ten, you took them out for ice cream, set up play dates, and of course, took them to the movies.

We are no exception. We have seen every kiddie movie possible. I can even recite all the dialogue from the upcoming trailers. And when everything costs a million dollars at the theater (When I walked by the concession stand and sneezed, I think they charged me $4.50) I want the movie to be good. Or at least entertaining.

There were some big hits and misses this summer.

I am not a film critic, at all. Not even close. I am, however, a mom on a budget. So it irks the crap out of me when I start making my grocery list in the middle of a $12 movie, because sadly, I’d rather be making my grocery list than watching the doo doo on screen.

I want to party with these guys.

Therefore, to bring some adult swagger to the land of animation, I thought I would rate each movie via a big girl cocktail. Here we go:

1) Epic – The Woo Woo Shot: It’s sweet, pretty to look at, and has a definite purpose. But you really only need one.

2) Monsters University – The Vodka Soda: This is your old “stand by” drink when you can’t think of anything else. It is not surprising, but it won’t let you down.

3) Despicable Me 2 – The Cucumber Margarita: If you have never had one of these drinks, get into your car right now and go find one. It is the perfect summer drink. It is creative, refreshing, and you don’t even know you are imbibing. With this concoction/movie, you could have forty of these things, make new friends, laugh the night away, and end up with your underwear on your head and a smile on your face. You can’t wait to do it all over again.

4) Smurfs 2 – Watermelon Flavored Beer (or any flavored beer): The first time you drank this beer at your neighbor’s hipster cookout, it tasted like ass. This second time around, you surprise yourself by actually liking it. Yet once again, you really only need one. Two in a row is just too filling.

5) Turbo – A Caipirinha Cocktail: These too are delicious. Let’s say you are at a bar and wonder, “What is this drink?” You order one because it looks good, sounds good, and you like Ryan Reynolds – oops, I mean….Anyway, you drink it and guess what? It is good! You enjoy it more than you thought you would. You order another.

6) Planes – The Jägermeister Shot: You had these in college. You don’t need to drink one again. (READ: If you saw CARS, you are all set).

7) Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 – The Dirty Martini: I have not even had a sip yet, but I already know I love it.

So since the kiddos are back in school, sit back relax, and perhaps grab one of the above beverages.

But don’t relax too much. You need to start saving up now for the 2014 summer movies.

Am I Really Pulling Cotton Candy from My Ears?

What is going on in my brain.

I am not a forgetful person. I write everything down, I keep three calendars, and as previously mentioned, I a super organized.

Lately, however, it feels as though my brain is full of Laffy Taffy and a few scratch -n- sniff stickers. This status does nothing for me since this is the first week of school and I have volunteered for eight hundred and nine school activities this year (Burrito Breakfast anyone).

I knew I was in trouble when my daughter came up to me and said, “I don’t think these underpants fit me anymore.” She looked like a small, female plumber, wearing something akin to a Tinker Bell thong.

That’s when I remembered I was supposed to buy new underwear and socks. Like a month ago.

People like to be quippy and call this form of spaciness, “Mommy Brain.” I would like to beat the sh*t out of those people. Mommies are the few human beings who actually have it together. They are multitasking masters.

No, I am afraid I have something that is a cross between Alzheimer’s and a hangover. It is a severe case of the dum dums.

You too may have a case of the dum dums if you exhibit the following symptoms:

1) Go to the store specifically for milk and come back with scotch tape, a pencil sharpener, and five navel oranges. No milk.

2) Sit studiously at a school meeting taking notes and realize you left the dog outside.

3) Perpetually look lost. So much so that store clerks go out of their way to make sure your “find everything you need.”

4) Constantly remark how tired you are, but when asked, cannot remember what you did that day. Or week.

5) Drool.

6) Sort coupons. Put coupons in purse. Go to store. Buy stuff. Never use coupons. (This phenomenon also works for re-usable grocery bags).

7) Run around the house looking for sweater. Yell about the inability to find sweater. Blame all those in close proximity for moving sweater (dog included). Curse the day. The day is ruined. It is too cold to sit in a movie theater without a sweater. Panic for no reason. Find sweater in pile of clothing where it was left.

8) Write important notes to yourself such as: hair plugs, and recycled burrito. Both misspelled.

9) Forget what number nine was.

Instead of chastising myself for my absent-mind, I am calling it a gift. My father cannot hear in one ear, and the other ear is questionable. When all of the grandkids are yelling and screaming at a yodeler’s level, he can fall asleep. Right next to them. That’s God’s gift to him.

Lately, life has been off the chain for me and my family. I feel so beat down at times, that I forget what I am doing right in the middle of the act – allowing me to focus solely on the amount of Cheez-Its bags in the house (school lunch tomorrow?), and America’s Got Talent. Neither of which I truly partake in.

So this is my gift, to forget. Forget the crazy, forget the worry, forget the anxiety. To just float a bit.

Now could someone tell me where I put my calendar, because I have no idea where I am supposed to be right now.

Am I Really Selling My Family to the Circus?

It could be worse.

Family – the Latin word for People you can complain to while eating all of their food and walking around in your underpants. As of late, I have been spending mucho time-o with family. Ninety-nine percent of it has been awesome. My wonderful sister came into town with my niece and nephew, my mom has been working over-time to make a comfortable place for all of the grandchildren to destroy, and my in-laws have opened up their home to my little family unit so we don’t have to live at a La Quinta while we renovate our house. All good stuff.

Here’s what I know: I cannot live with family. I am far too anal and I am weird about my stuff. Seriously, I’m like Psycho/Francis Soyer in Stripes, keep your hands off my stuff (minus the sexual orientation slur).

More than the material items, it’s everyone’s living idiosyncrasies that get to me. These usually end up rubbing against one another after a couple of days – like sandpaper.

My mother-in-law calls it the fish effect – after a couple of days house guests and fish start to stink. The woman could not be more correct.

Since we are house guests, we are the stinky sea bass in this scenario.

As always, allow me illustrate:

Prior to embarking on their Thelma and Louise cross the country two month extravaganza, we co-habitated with my in-laws. We looked like the cast of Gilligan’s Island: the artist, the PhD, the techie, a really loud small person, a slightly OCD writer, and two dogs. We all thought it would only be a three hour tour, but it was much longer.

The artist needs his space – a lot of it. I’m pretty sure the Guggenheim museum in Spain could not hold all of his wares. His stuff materializes like Sea Monkeys: one minute, it’s not there, then poof! Your fishbowl is crowded.

The little person’s voice is extremely amplified in a home with stone floors. When one of the dogs chewed up her beloved toy, she screamed so loudly she woke the dead from the Civil War.

The techie has not been able to fully unwind with his belongings. His video game playing and channel surfing has massively diminished. This has caused him to come to bed early and sigh in my ear while I try to read.

Excelling in organizational skills (read: uptight), I have been scurrying around picking up things, washing them, and putting them away. This is what I do when I get antsy. I am sure everyone feels relaxed listening to me curse at my daughter’s toy cubbies because not all of her Calico Critters will fit. This emotional strain uses tuckers me out, forcing me to drink some red wine and fall asleep on the couch with my mouth open.

Even the dogs have been arguing. Namely due to the fact that our girl is getting old and going through “doggy-pause.” She pants a lot, drinks gallons of water, has gained her middle age spread, and has no time for B.S.

The PhD is about the only one keeping it together. Maybe it’s because she got her nails done and a facial. She has the right idea.

While grating on each other’s nerves at times, these are pretty silly things which create ample material for a free blog. But as the saying goes, at least we have family, so I consider us pretty lucky.

Needless to say, I look forward to the day when I am in my own space again, and relaxed. So when I move into my new home you are all invited to come over for dinner.

But not until 2015. Because seriously, I don’t want to see anybody until then.