Gifts | Am I Really?

Remember that line of dialogue from Forrest Gump? “Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far, far away…from all these Restoration Hardware Catalogs.”

Okay, so maybe the last bit is an addition, but while we snuggle under blankets with our hot chocolate, it truly ‘Tis the Season for giving and receiving five hundred catalogs in the mail. Every day.

So many glossy pages of monogramed sleds and puppy sweaters. So many ways to say “Happy Holidays” with a basket of pickled nuts. I have run out of space to store all things mail order.

Since it is also the season for pinning (a.k.a Pinterest prowling), I would like to channel a little Martha Stewart and list all the ways to repurpose those magazines:

Tree Skirt. See above. p. 186. Only $98.99 $16.49! Order by Dec. 18.
Holiday Foods. All too often I have asked myself, What the hell is figgy pudding? I have never tasted this delight, never been offered it, but we sure do like to sing about it in We Wish You a Merry Christmas! I bet you could make some in that Juice Bullet from the Bed Bath and Beyond catalog.
Er – no thanks. I’m full.
Biblical Recreations. You could make a paper Mount Sinai for this Lego Moses (which actually might be a Lego Judas, but let’s not split hairs).
Christmas Outfits for your Children. Let’s face it folks, it could be worse.
Dog Blanket. Awkward Dog Blanket.
A Not-So-Subtle Hint. Sometimes people need to be smacked in the face with ideas. Some people need visuals. Great. Do both. When inevitably asked, “Where did these catalogs come from?” Say, “That damn Elf.” Which leads me to……
A Sad but Early Demise for you Elf on the Shelf. My daughter loves Elfie, but maybe the Elf gets wacked by a pile of catalogs. I don’t know. I didn’t see nothin’.
Toilet Paper. Be THAT person who only wipes their fanny with the Weir’s catalog. Or maybe TP the neighbor’s house with Harry and David catalogs. Yep. You are just that classy.
A Yurt for your Child’s Barbies/Chima Dudes/Star Wars Action Figures. Save yourself some money and time and build this dwelling. When your child start’s crying Christmas morning about how this is not the Barbie Town Home and/or the Death Star, kindly explain that it is 2014 and you are just being eco-friendly and trying to remove your carbon footprint. Then state that your family will be going gluten-free and swipe the cookie right out of her/his hand.
Re-Gift. Can’t figure out what to get the person who has it all? Give them a stack of your catalogs. Then they can look at all the stuff you will not be giving them this year.

Oddly enough, catalogs are like little presents in the mail. They are shiny reminders of all the cool stuff I will probably never buy, never use, but simply must have! I review them in a glossy-eyed stupor late at night, dog-earing every other page. Then I toss them in the recycle bin one month later.

Not this year. This year I have found many uses for the colorful registries. I also have found some pretty cool things which I plan on buying.

But not those pine-scented votive candles for $69.99, that’s ridiculous.

Photos Courtesy of:

Figgy Pudding – www.phnewspaper.org

Nothing says love like this hamster with a rose in its hair.

The day for lovers is upon us. Or more aptly, the day for chalky candy and all things pink. I don’t think this is what St. Valentine had envisioned when he married so many star-crossed lovers. And was then imprisoned for it.

This time of year we are bombarded by a bazillion jewelry commercials. People are hugging and kissing and wearing collared shirts. Kay Jewelers takes the cake with the “Every Kiss Begins With Kay” signature line. Even the lovely and talented Jane Seymour has her Open Hearts Collection.

While I do really like Ms. Seymour and her design (it is pretty, but knowing me, her open heart would catch on my sweater, creating an open holes collection), her jewelry line seems to be a bit discriminatory.

It got me thinking. There really should be more practical jewelry collections for the everyday person.

Let’s take a look:

1) The No I’m Not Engaged Yet Grandma, So Quit Asking Collection. It might not be your grandmother doing the nagging. Maybe it’s your mom, or crazy Aunt Gemma who’s always badgering you about your love life. If you wear this necklace, the questions will stop. CHARM: A hand with no rings.

2) The It’s Your Turn Collection. This one can be used like a hotel Do Not Disturb sign. It is applicable to anything; changing diapers, answering the door, getting up from the table to get more ketchup. CHARM: A finger pointing.

3) The Sorry, I Just Farted in the Bed Collection. Anyone who has been in a long term relationship gets this. It is real. It happens. Don’t pretend it doesn’t. CHARM: A cloud.

4) The Ooops! I Just Spent Too Much at Target, But Look at These Awesome Snow Owls Collection. This one you give as a peace offering. CHARM: A melting dollar sign.

5) The Aw Man! I Totally Spaced About V-Day, So All I Got You Was This Bag of Werther’s Original Candies Collection. This is also a very real thing. I am guessing at least 3 out of 5 dudes will go through this come February 14^th. If you are in a new relationship, you’re screwed buddy. Refer to collection #4 to make it up to her. CHARM: A guy shrugging. A guy saying sorry. A bong.

No. Just no.

6) The Am I the Only One Who Does Anything Around Here? Collection. Everyone has felt like this toward their special someone at some point. Why not make it official with a charm? CHARM: A gold embossed business card for Molly Maids.

7) The We Just Started Dating, So I’m Ignoring that You Ate Onions for Lunch While I Mouth Kiss You Collection. Ah, new love. In the beginning we are so forgiving, we look past so much. Like the fact he only takes you out to Jay Jay’s Shuck and Dive and makes you buy the pitchers of beer because, “Oh man, I only have a ten.” Or that she is always texting and tweeting during dinner, accompanied by constant giggling, gasping, and, “No Way-ing!” CHARM: A voice box of your mother saying, “I told you so.”

8) The Well, I’m Already in Bed and I Just Put on Hand Lotion So, Can We Do It Tomorrow? Collection. This is for the people who have been together a while. A long while. I hate to admit this, but while I used to be spontaneous and fun, sometimes I just want to fall asleep watching the weather report. CHARM: A letter to all twentysomethings saying, “Yes, this will one day happen to you. Also, wash your face before you pass out, you’ll thank me later.”

9) The Uh Oh. Looks Like We Did It on the First Date So…Um…I Guess I’ll Go…But I’ll Call You Tomorrow Collection. This one is self-explanatory. CHARM: A telephone number, missing three digits.

10) The No, We Are Not Having Any More Kids Collection. This is for the couple who just got married, as well as those who already have kids. I am not sure why family, friends, and strangers are so concerned about us churning out more humans, but this necklace might help. CHARM: A lady crossing her legs.

11) All of the above. It can be like a Pandora bracelet, except way more ghetto.

So this Valentine’s Day, give the gift of lasting love. If you can live with the good, the boring, the forgetful, the smelly, the rude, and the forgiving, then that is worth celebrating. That’s real love.

Unless your form of affection comes via a hot pink stuffed dragon holding a box of really bad chocolates. Then Godspeed my friend.