Am I Really Watching Christopher Columbus and Dracula Battle it out on American Ninja Warrior?

Pumpkin Everything

Halloween is a week away and the whole thing makes me want to tinkle. This is one of my favorite holidays. People are decorating their homes, apartments, and RVs with cobwebs and orange lights. Flying witches are head first into tree trunks, and we need to take out a second mortgage to buy a sack of Kit Kats. Good stuff.

But with all the goodies and ghouls, I have noticed one thing:

There is a lot of crap going on during the month of October. Too much.

How the heck did we get here? Didn’t the Puritan’s shun the month of October and its bewitching Hallowmas? Now look at us.

Let’s take a look at all the October happenings:

  1. Halloween. Even though this holiday is at the end of the month, it still rules October – thematically speaking. Good.
  2. Taxes. If you could not make it happen in April, you have until October 15 to file your papers. Perhaps in your sexy nurse costume.
  3. Oktoberfest. Some places have actually moved this event to September. Which kind of defeats the purpose of its namesake. I hear the Germans heavily frown upon this.
  4. Pumpkin bread, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin Greek yogurt, pumpkin scented candles, pumpkin spice creamers. No one gives a damn about the actual pumpkin, unless you throw in some sugar and create an over-priced food item out of it.                 Forest Gump Pumpkins
  5. Breast Cancer Awareness Month. As far as I’m concerned, breast cancer survivors can have any month they want. They should rename the month Boobtober. Oh, and have the power to move Oktoberfest back to the month of October.

    I found the New World, and all I got was this crappy Monday Holiday.

    I found the New World, and all I got was this crappy Monday Holiday.

  6. Columbus Day. Sadly, no one gets excited about this. Unless you work at the post office, then you get a day off. Most likely to attend one of the……
  7. Bazillion School Carnivals across America. If I see one more balloon artist I might vomit….rubber weenie dogs. Every festival seems to fall within a two week time span during this month. It’s like all the schools are trying to one up the other with their activities: “Oh our face painter? We flew him in from Milan. He’s the best!”  

    Please stop.

    Please stop.

  8. National Adopt a Shelter Dog Month, National Pizza Month, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, American Pharmacist Month. Dogs – yes. Pizza – yes. Domestic Violence – well, no, but awareness to stop it? Yes. Er, pharmacists? They need to pick a new month. Like March. Pick March.
  9. Eat Country Ham Month. Yes, this is a real thing. But the ham people need to theme it up a bit. How about Hocus Pocus Ham? Or Pumpkin Pork? Or Spooky Salted Swine? Too far?

    All. Month. Long.

    All. Month. Long.

  10. Parent Teacher Conferences. Why God? Why? They should piggy back these meetings with the school carnival. A failing grade won’t seem that bad when you’ve just won a Bundt cake from the cake walk.

Clearly, October is gunning for December’s Busiest Month Award. Which is fine. Fall is a favorite season of many.

So bring on your mums, your caramel apples, and your nine hundred Halloween Trunk – or – treats. We’ll keep Rocktobering these events together, all the way to November.

Unless you are the National Popcorn Poppin’ Month people. Maybe you just need a week for celebration. In January.



Photos courtesy of:

Christopher Columbus –

Halloween –

Ham –

Keep Calm Photo –

Forest Gump –

October –

Balloon Artist –



Am I Really Dressed as a Whoopee Cushion Within a Whoopee Cushion?

Because when guys think of hot chicks, they usually think about corn.

Because when guys think of hot chicks, they usually think about corn.

I love Halloween. I am one of those people who drags out the giant spider and pumpkin everything on October 1st. I am usually sweating doing so, since it is still 95 degrees here in Texas.

During my stupor of encasing every surface with cotton cobwebs and foam tombstones, I forget others may not share my zeal for this special day. It pains me to know the awesomeness they are missing. The orange and black Oreos, the watching of Hocus Pocus over and over again, and the dressing up – are you kidding me? Society has given us a day where one can dress in the scariest/bloodiest/sluttiest/creepiest/cross-dressing/insulting outfit you can find and guess what? You will not offend anyone because it is all part of the fun. Take this gift and run people!

Aside from the fun, Halloween is also a judgment day. This is the only day of the year a child will find an adult guilty of crap candy giving. Are you the cool neighbor who hands out Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, or are you the bag of pennies guy? Are you the house that has a smoke machine and sound effects with a talking skeleton, or is your porch light out at 6 p.m.?

The best neighbor is the one who hands out WHOLE candy bars, but those are a rare find. Like the Yeti or a four leaf clover.

I like to call the All Hallows Eve non-participants Grinches. Or more aptly – weenies.

There are many BS excuses…er…reasons, I’m sure for not participating in this spooky day. Maybe a person cannot decorate the house due their hip surgery. Or maybe they have just moved in, that day. Or perhaps the person is from another country, having just arrived to the US, and pumpkins remind him/her of their motherland’s great gourd famine of 1683.

But just not participating? On purpose? I don’t get it.

My sweet mother has bequeathed her holiday fanaticism to me. She decorates for every occasion. She probably has every type of bunny – wood, ceramic, fiberglass – for Easter. Halloween and Christmas, there is animatronic singing character in every room. Arbor Day? She’s probably got that covered too. She takes pride in her decorating skills.

The other day my mother commented that my sister, who is very classic in her decorating, has a bunch of fall decorations in her home. She said this with a gleam in her eye as if to say, “My work here is done people. Rochelle Out! **drops mic**”

I say Amen people! We need to jazz up our everyday existence. And if you can’t do it with fuzzy pumpkins singing the monster mash, what can you do it with?

So this Halloween, don’t be a weenie. Go get a bag of Jolly Rancher lollipops, put on a witch hat, and flip that porch light on. The neighborhood kids will thank you.

Unless you are wearing that sexy Ernie or Bert costume, then you’ll just make everyone uncomfortable.

Just don't do it people.

Just don’t do it people.