Am I Really Wishing a Brick Will Fall on the Head Of That B*tch’s Success?

It’s Lent, I know. I should not be talking like this. But the Oscars just happened and you can’t tell me all those who did not win are beyond thrilled for their colleagues’ success. Please.

In my own life, it’s like this: you know when you see someone you just can’t stand become successful at …anything? All of sudden people start coming out of the woodwork saying things like, “Congratulations!”, or “I knew you could do it!”, or “You are so great, smart, definitely not annoying, of course you got a promotion/million dollars/Congressional appointment!” It takes all my strength to not vomit all over my broken un-upgraded phone when I read these comments on Facebook.

Conversely, I am actually a very nice person. Ask anyone. However, a few people on this earth really irk the crap out of me – especially those who have wronged me. When said crappy people “make it,” I just can’t bring myself to be the better person and grant well wishes.  Bad girl. I know. I’m working on it. I’m not the only one.

Sometimes, people just can’t stand other people. And let’s face it; things are not going to change any time soon. Life is not like that crappy Kristen Bell movie, You Again.  You know the scene where arch nemeses Jamie Lee Curtis and Sigourney Weaver start throwing bows in the pool, then make up and become BFFs? Nope, never gonna happen in real life. People like to hate on others success. And apparently Kristen Bell movies (sorry Kristen, I really do like you!).

So why, even when we like the other person, do we become jealous? It certainly doesn’t feel good.

I think it has to do with greed.

We are grubby little creatures, wanting everything; even if we don’t need it.

Nothing illustrates this principal more than a two year old. If you give a two year old a toy dinosaur, she will be pretty happy. She’ll chew on it and smack it up against things. Pure bliss. But if the little tike sees you give her fellow toddler a toy camel? Hang onto your hats people because the sh*t is gonna hit the fan. She will go and try to wrench the poor camel out of the other child’s hand. If girlfriend can’t get it – tantrum city.

Why? She was so happy with the dinosaur.

Greed. I want I want I want.

Our great great great great great grandparents are staring down at us shaking their heads thinking, “Greedy Gerts! You know what my toy was growing up? The giant splinter in my hand. That and small pox.”

I bet they were jealous of somebody. Mostly likely that Dapper Dan who lived in town and did not have to do back breaking manual labor. There is always somebody who has what you wish you had.

But do you really want what so and so has? It might look shiny and nice, but is the awesomeness just an illusion?

Usually this grass is greener effect occurs when we are at our lowest.  Maybe we are questioning our own lives or the goals we have been putting off. I wish I had my own frozen yogurt store? Look how successful she is? Really? I don’t think so.

Just like the toddler who never even thought about a toy camel prior to seeing someone else with it, we too are like wee ones wanting what others have.  Perhaps we just need to be happy with what we do have, and strive to achieve the actual things we want in this life.

Easier said than done? Not really.

Isn’t it easier to go after one’s dream of writing a novel rather than stewing in front of your computer screen getting acid indigestion about Slutty Stephanie from High School running a successful Organic Baby Food company? Probably.

I’m going to try it. I plan to focus on my personal goals, and not what some other person has – especially one who I don’t even like. What a colossal waste of time.

So when that green-eyed monster starts creeping up again, ride it out and go do something you want to do.

Then just think of all those empty-handed broads from the Best Actress category.  Yeah, your life’s not so bad.

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Am I Really Practicing my Academy Awards Acceptance Speech in my Dirty Slippers?

I would like to thank the Academy, my parents, and my husband. I would like to thank Cabernet Sauvignon for being there…always.  I would like to thank the Girl Scouts of America for producing the Thin Mint Cookie. I would like to thank my daughter for throwing away her granola bar wrapper instead of sticking it under the couch, like she usually does. I would like to thank my yoga pants for not walking out on me because I never actually take yoga. I would like to thank…….

Many of you tuned in this past weekend to watch the 84th Academy Awards. Many of you could have given a sh*t. I am in the first category.

I loooooooove awards shows. I like the hoopla, the dumb interview questions when clearly the anchor did not see the movie, the ridiculously scripted banter between award givers, the slightly awkward musical numbers, and of course, the star watching.  It is all just so exciting to me. I feel as though I am right in the middle of it.

But of course, I am not. I am here, at home, eating a lukewarm calzone and thinking, “When the hell did that movie come out? Did anyone go and see that thing? And why is Angelina standing like that?”

Although, it does make me wonder:

Why am I practicing a speech when clearly I have not been nominated for an Oscar (at least not yet!)?  Somehow, I don’t think I am alone here.

People do not get thanked for everyday life events. Kids don’t walk up to parents and say, “Sorry you puked during delivery, but thanks for being a trooper and bringing me into this world. Oh, and P.S. – I hate bananas, but thanks for trying.” I have never heard a husband say, “Hey, thanks for nagging me to put the dishes into the dishwasher instead of just around it. It really does make more sense.” Women never say, “Thanks for repeatedly trying to get into my pants. If it weren’t for you, I’d forget I have a vagina.”

Bosses don’t thank employees for showing up to work. No one is applauding when you get out of bed, exhausted, and make breakfast for an over-exuberant child.  Confetti never rains down on me at the grocery store when I remember to use my coupons and save $14.96.  When a person finishes their “To Do” list, a rainbow doesn’t magically appear with singing munchkins as a reward.  And when you sort and properly bundle recycle items, the garbage dudes never break out into a jazz routine just to say thanks.

So why do these Hollywood people get all the praise? Why don’t we have any everyday person awards ceremony? We’re here, everyday, making it happen; whether we like it or not.

One reason: lack of reality. These wonderful movie makers provide us everyday folk with entertainment.  They take us away, far, far away from our everyday lives. They transport us to another land, another time, another reality.  Movies are magic. They make us laugh, they make us angry, and they make us wipe our noses on our sleeves when we forget tissues while watching Marley and Me.

During depressing times, movies help distraught people deal with the harsh pain of poverty, loss, and feelings of being alone.  Deployed soldiers watch them. Kids watch them. People who don’t even like movies watch them. They help people forget. They help people remember.  And you know what? We (and by “we” I mean the Academy) want to thank the movie makers for this gift.

So good for you film people of the world! Be proud, polish off your golden little man and give yourself a pat on the back.

The rest of us will be awaiting our award for unclogging the sink.