Am I Really Dressing as a Tired Fairy…Again?

Halloween must be everyday at my house.

I posted this blog a year ago. Since it is Throwback Thursday, thought I would drag it out of the closet again.

Happy Halloween!!!

It is no secret my love for Halloween. I am one of those people who drags out the giant spider and pumpkin everything on October 1^st. I am usually sweating doing so, since it is still 95 degrees here in Texas.

During my stupor of encasing every surface with cotton cobwebs and foam tombstones, I forget others may not share my zeal for this special day. It pains me to know the awesomeness they are missing. The orange and black Oreos, the watching of Hocus Pocus over and over again, and the dressing up – are you kidding me? Society has given us a day where one can dress in the scariest/bloodiest/sluttiest/creepiest/cross-dressing/insulting outfit you can find and guess what? You will not offend anyone because it is all part of the fun. Take this gift and run people!

Aside from the fun, Halloween is also a judgment day. This is the only day of the year a child will find an adult guilty of crap candy giving. Are you the cool neighbor who hands out Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, or are you the bag of pennies guy? Are you the house that has a smoke machine and sound effects with a talking skeleton, or is your porch light out at 6 p.m.?

Don’t be the bag of pennies guy. Unless you are 97, then it is okay.

The best neighbor is the one who hands out WHOLE candy bars, but those are a rare find. Like the Yeti or a four leaf clover.

There are many BS excuses…er…reasons, I’m sure for not participating in this spooky day. Maybe a person cannot decorate the house due their hip surgery. Or maybe they are allergic to Superman costumes from CVS. Or perhaps the person is from another country, having just arrived to the US, and pumpkins remind him/her of their motherland’s great gourd famine of 1683.

But just not participating? On purpose? I don’t get it.

My sweet mother has bequeathed her holiday fanaticism to me. She decorates for every occasion. She probably has every type of bunny – wood, ceramic, fiberglass – for Easter. Halloween and Christmas, there is animatronic singing character in every room. Arbor Day? She’s probably got that covered too. She takes pride in her decorating skills.

The other day my mother commented that my sister, who is very classic in her decorating, has a bunch of fall decorations in her home. She said this with a gleam in her eye as if to say, “My work here is done people. Rochelle Out! **drops mic**”

I say Amen people! We need to jazz up our everyday existence. And if you can’t do it with fuzzy pumpkins singing the monster mash, what can you do it with?

So this Halloween, don’t be a weenie. Go get a bag of Jolly Rancher lollipops, put on a witch hat, and flip that porch light on. The neighborhood kids will thank you.

Unless you are wearing that sexy Ernie or Bert costume, then you’ll just make everyone uncomfortable.

Nonononono! Just no. Ernie’s Rubber Ducky DOES NOT approve.

Photos Courtesy of:

Bag of Pennies – asimplewalk.blogspot.com

Tired Mom – www.today.com

Sexy Ernie & Bert – www.partycity.com

Am I Really Watching Christopher Columbus and Dracula Battle it out on American Ninja Warrior?

Halloween is a week away and the whole thing makes me want to tinkle. This is one of my favorite holidays. People are decorating their homes, apartments, and RVs with cobwebs and orange lights. Flying witches are head first into tree trunks, and we need to take out a second mortgage to buy a sack of Kit Kats. Good stuff.

But with all the goodies and ghouls, I have noticed one thing:

There is a lot of crap going on during the month of October. Too much.

How the heck did we get here? Didn’t the Puritan’s shun the month of October and its bewitching Hallowmas? Now look at us.

Let’s take a look at all the October happenings:

Halloween. Even though this holiday is at the end of the month, it still rules October – thematically speaking. Good.
Taxes. If you could not make it happen in April, you have until October 15 to file your papers. Perhaps in your sexy nurse costume.
Oktoberfest. Some places have actually moved this event to September. Which kind of defeats the purpose of its namesake. I hear the Germans heavily frown upon this.
Pumpkin bread, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin Greek yogurt, pumpkin scented candles, pumpkin spice creamers. No one gives a damn about the actual pumpkin, unless you throw in some sugar and create an over-priced food item out of it.
Breast Cancer Awareness Month. As far as I’m concerned, breast cancer survivors can have any month they want. They should rename the month Boobtober. Oh, and have the power to move Oktoberfest back to the month of October.
I found the New World, and all I got was this crappy Monday Holiday.
Columbus Day. Sadly, no one gets excited about this. Unless you work at the post office, then you get a day off. Most likely to attend one of the……
Bazillion School Carnivals across America. If I see one more balloon artist I might vomit….rubber weenie dogs. Every festival seems to fall within a two week time span during this month. It’s like all the schools are trying to one up the other with their activities: “Oh our face painter? We flew him in from Milan. He’s the best!”
Please stop.
National Adopt a Shelter Dog Month, National Pizza Month, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, American Pharmacist Month. Dogs – yes. Pizza – yes. Domestic Violence – well, no, but awareness to stop it? Yes. Er, pharmacists? They need to pick a new month. Like March. Pick March.
Eat Country Ham Month. Yes, this is a real thing. But the ham people need to theme it up a bit. How about Hocus Pocus Ham? Or Pumpkin Pork? Or Spooky Salted Swine? Too far?
All. Month. Long.
Parent Teacher Conferences. Why God? Why? They should piggy back these meetings with the school carnival. A failing grade won’t seem that bad when you’ve just won a Bundt cake from the cake walk.

Clearly, October is gunning for December’s Busiest Month Award. Which is fine. Fall is a favorite season of many.

So bring on your mums, your caramel apples, and your nine hundred Halloween Trunk – or – treats. We’ll keep Rocktobering these events together, all the way to November.

Unless you are the National Popcorn Poppin’ Month people. Maybe you just need a week for celebration. In January.

Photos courtesy of:

Christopher Columbus – www.nndb.com

Halloween – www.picshunger.com

Ham – tnhomeandfarm.com

Keep Calm Photo – carharttsandcoachbags.wordpress.com

Forest Gump – www.ktts.com

October – www.lovethispic.com

Balloon Artist – www.projectwedding.com

Am I Really Telling My Canine To Stop Snapchatting with the Taco Bell Dog?

People love their dogs. A lot. Take a look at poor nurse Nina Pham. She is in the hospital being treated for Ebola, and in rolls the Hazmat crew to whisk her sweet Cavalier King Charles Spaniel off to quarantine. I find myself praying that Bentley stays clean.

This dog is so cute. Even with the Hazmat hands in the photo.

This whole mess gets me thinking about my pooch. She is old, stubborn, and could use a breath mint every once in a while, but she’s my baby and I adore her.

Except I have noticed a particular embarrassing trait:

My dog is a bit of a racist. [insert hushed whisper]

You probably thought I was going to say she eats poop. I wish.

When I take her for a walk she is like one of the bad cops in Colors. She barks at most people, but when it is a person of, um, well, color, it is pretty awkward.

My dog. She has no idea how white she is.

Listen, I can’t get my dog to sit when I ask, but I feel so responsible for this behavior.

When my dog starts to bark I always get flustered. I often try to apologize to the person, but usually end up sticking both feet in my mouth. It’s like trying to feed a parrot a Wheat Thin when the owner says, “Sorry, my bird just doesn’t like crackers.” Ridiculous.

However, if there is one silver lining in my dog’s people preference it is this: She’s got a thing for Latinos. A major thing.

Here are some examples of my dog’s Latin love:

I’m pretty gringa, but I do have Hispanic blood in me. At least that is what my dad told me to put on my college applications.
My dog adores my dad (Hispanic). He is the real deal. My dog’s love for my father knows no limit.
She loves my Godfather (Hispanic). Much to my Godfather’s chagrin, my dog followed him around everywhere. He is a cat person.
The other day she made a break for it and jumped into a gardener’s truck (Mexican). When I called her name, she turned around and looked at me as if to say, “So long sister. Tamales tonight b*tches!”

What my dog dreams about.

So what do I do here? Do I send her to doggie sensitivity training? Make her watch 12 Years a Slave?

I love all races, creeds, ethnicities, and even people who chose Pepsi over Coke. How can I get my dog to do the same?

Actually, she really does like all people. She just needs a moment to sniff out a person and get to know them a bit. Then my dog will most likely love and protect you.

Especially if you are packing a taco and your last name is “Gonzalez.” Then my dog will gladly dump me for you.

Some girls have One Direction, my girl has the Taco Bell dog.

Bentley – abcnews.go.com

Taco Bell Dog – forgottenadvertisements.wordpress.com

Taco – social.taylorstrategy.com

Am I Really Raising my Lighter for the Ladies?

So the news blows. Seriously, there is just too much junk happening in our world right now. At any moment I expect Godzilla to walk down my street and start fighting aliens from outer space.

Let’s focus on some positive stuff. I would like to dedicate this post to some people I really admire – most of them ladies.

We all have those we look up to, I thought I would share some of mine. It’s time to thank the awesome:

Please tell me you remember this.

Carol Burnett. I love this woman. I used to watch her show when I was a child and laugh my head off. She was a huge catalyst in my life to entertain. She’s still got it.
Jimmy Carter. Okay, not a lady, but this guy is 90 years old and he is still out swinging a hammer for Habitat for Humanity. I want to hug him and put him on a coin at the same time.
My Mom. I talk to this woman every day, whether she wants to or not. She always makes me feel better, about everything. Her attitude is amazing. She has also taken holiday decorating to an art form. Every holiday. Some possibly Danish in origin.
People who do not inhale their food. You know those folks who gently put down their forks and then fold their napkins on their laps? I am not one of them. I’m like that kid who is scared their mom is going to take away their Snickers bar, so shoves the whole thing in their mouth. I wish I could be more demure. Or less like a Hoover at least.
My Grammie. My mother clearly gets her good attitude from her mother, my grandmother. This woman is 94 years old and I have never heard her complain once. Which is shocking since she grew up during the depression. We could be sitting in a Don’s John on a hot day in the middle of the Mojave Desert and she would say, “Well, it could be worse I suppose.” She can also house a lobster roll like nobody’s business, which is really something since she is 98 pounds…oh wait, that’s where I get it.
Come on – just look at Grammie. You want to give her hug.
The dog that saved that runner’s life by finding help when she fell down a ravine. Okay, not a human, but I don’t know too many humans who would stay by a hurt person’s side, then run in the cold for miles, without food for three days, only to bark at someone for help. Sometimes I have a difficult time re-filling my daughter’s juice cup.
Yoga Instructors. I just can’t do it. You win.
Nope.
My calm friend Shannon. I wish I could be calm like my friend. So much stuff has happened to this lady, but she just zens her way through it. I break a shoelace and will flip over my desk. She is also a fork down, “no thanks, I’m full” kind of person, which explains a lot.
The face I make when we are out of peanut butter.
Amy Poehler. Once again, the comedy thing. I would love to grab a drink with her at an outside café and people watch and laugh and laugh. Hey, it could happen.
Ladies fully put together with make up and pressed clothing at 7:40 a.m. school drop off…smiling. Those of you who know me are well aware that hair brushing is not part of my early morning repertoire. Those working moms who have to actually go to a place of business blow my mind. I can do it, have done it, but it nearly kills me. We need to give those broads the slow clap.

There are about a thousand more people I admire. Not all women, and not all famous. To me, it’s the “ordinary” people who truly do extraordinary things.

So during these Times O’ Crap (I’m pretty sure that’s what they are calling it on Nightly News with Brian Williams), take a look around and just say thanks for the good people who influence you to do better, to be better.

But do it after school drop off, when your hair is brushed.

I would love to hear about the people you admire. Please feel free to share below in the comments!

Photos courtesy of:

Lighter www.tvtropes.org

Carol Burnett www.visit-gettysburg.com

Yoga www.massageyogawellness.com

Animal www.partyworld.ie

Am I Really Offending People With My Surgical Mask?

The new fall fashion.

Well it’s here. The very first documented case of the Ebola virus here in the United States. Oh, and just ten minutes down the road from my family here in Dallas.

To say I am less than thrilled would be an understatement. I am scared sh*tless. Yes, yes, I know it can only be transmitted via symptomatic booger to booger. But knowing that does nothing to help alleviate fears. At. All.

With all the medical crap floating around (enterovirus, Ebola, cooties in general), I think we need to implement a “This might be offending you, but you’ll get over it,” policy.

Seriously, this is no time to be that polite. No, I’m not talking about being purposely rude to your fellow man, but we definitely shouldn’t say, “That’s okay you sneezed on me!”

Look, I am a nice person. Too often in the past, I have been screwed over trying not to offend people or keep the peace. Guess what? The only person hurt in the end was me.

Don’t be a nation of me.

To reiterate what’s already been said a thousand different ways at the daily press conferences, here are some ideas on how to keep your health in check:

Just saying….

Be a Howie Mandel. Fist bump, fist bump, fist bump. You might make fun of him and his germaphobia, but a little less touchy feely is the way to go here. In Liberia, shaking hands is taboo now.

Don’t Be a Hero. The gang down at the work will file your report. The bake sale will go on without your sticky buns. Your to do list will survive just fine, but you and others may not if make just one more Target run while puking your guts out. If you are sick, stay home. Period.

Close the Drawbridge. Maybe for a while, we don’t have flights to and from that part of the world. It’s a little crappy, but we really need to contain this thing. British Airways suspended flights to and from Sierra Leone for the month of August. Even more airlines have stopped flying to the affected areas indefinitely. Think of it this way, no one has ever said, “Hey, look at the leak under the sink. I should open this cabinet in case it wants to come into the house. It’s not my business to stop it.” Terrible example, but you get the idea. The US, along with other countries, might need to close the hatch for a while.

Just go home already.

This is such a human issue. Not only is our physical health at stake, but also our humanity and how we treat one another. Viewing the images of the affected areas is heartbreaking. I can’t imagine what families, children, and loved ones are going through. If I am really honest with myself – I don’t want to imagine it. It is entirely too much to process.

But we can still care about others without being that PC.

So don’t take it personally when I don’t shake your hand at mass. Don’t think I’m being rude when I douse myself with hand sanitizer after using your pen. It is not you the human being I take issue with, it’s all the little germs that are hanging onto you.

So go ahead, start calling me Crazy Hand Sanitizer Sue, I’ll take it. When we’re all feeling a little bit better, I’ll take you out for a beer and apologize.

Photos courtesy of:

www.aliexpress.com

www.examiner.com

otthonka.blogspot