Magic Mike | Am I Really?

Wow, those dudes are super gross. Beefy biceps, taught abs, and buns of steel – barf….is the way I would feel if this was opposites day. Seriously, those bodies are ridiculous. C’mon! Just look at Joe Manganiello, can a six-pack really look like that??

Since the movie came out weeks ago, this post is a bit overdue. I realize this. However I was on a Sea World vacation extravaganza, so please, indulge me.

A few weeks ago (yes, opening weekend), some friends and I hand dinner and drinks and pre-ordered are tickets to see Magic Mike. I thought that this would be some type of fun, light-hearted girls-night-out watching a silly flick. And by “girls” I mean “women in their forties ogling over twenty-somethings.”

I was slightly wrong.

The movie had a much grittier edge than anticipated. And while I could have watched Channing – oops my panties just fell off – Tatum dance for the entire movie, the movie left me with an eerie feeling.

When the credits rolled at the end revealing that Steven Soderbergh directed it (you know, the guy who did Traffic and Erin Brockovich), I felt like I was in the end of that Seinfeld episode when Jerry and the gang all exclaim, “Oh! Delores!” It all made sense then.

Armed with this directorial realization and having just returned from my San Diego-guacamole-induced-coma, I find it apropos to take a look at Magic Mike through the eyes of a plate of Mexican food.

Please Note – I am not a movie critic, nor have I ever been a movie critic. I do not feel a movie is complete unless it has at least one fart joke or Vince Vaughn in it, so roll with that when reading the below:

1) Characters – CHILE VERDE BURRITO – These characters are well developed and some even made me a little sad. I was left feeling satisfied and full, all wrapped up in one blanket of a story, and I even had a little left over to take home and devour the next day.

2) Acting – MIXED ENCHILADA PLATE – I thought everyone did a fantastic job. As a movie-goer, if you did not like one actor’s job, trust me, you liked another. There was something for everyone.

3) Dude-age – ULTIMATE NACHO PLATE – Everyone like nachos! And this movie was cast perfectly. Trust me, you will not be disappointed.

4) Plot – FISHERMAN’S PLATTER – Okay, I know this is not a Mexican dish, but let me tell you, that story was NOT what I was expecting. At one point I felt bad that I was just going to see Channing – oops I tripped and my hand landed on your pecs – Tatum. I wanted to hand out baked goods to male prostitutes and addicts on the street after I saw this flick. What I did not want to do was score a bunch of $1.00s from 7-11 and cruise over the Golden Banana off Route 1. And if you have ever had a Fisherman’s Plate, it’s pretty good at the time, but you do not want to take the stuff home with you.

5) Skin-to-Clothing Ratio – BEEF TACOS – I think this is self-explanatory. At one point it was too much (SPOILER ALERT – You know when Matthew McConaughey was “training” the new guy in those yellow shorts. I had to avert my eyes for a bit.).

6) Dancing – QUESO FUNDIDO W/CHORIZO – For those of you whom have never experience the magic of the queso fundido, I weep openly for you. This appetizer (if done correctly) is like a dream, wrapped in a wish, living on a cloud with butterfly wings. Yeah I know. So is Channing – did my top just fall off? – Tatum’s dancing. Holy crap people! I could have watched this guy dance for two hours without a plot or dialogue. Yes, he is that good.

Now you don’t need to go see the movie, just kidding. If you were skeptical, it’s worth checking out.

So grab the DVD and some Mexican take-out. See what dish, in your opinion complements the movie best.

Just don’t go full monty on your Del Taco. It will just leave you uncomfortable and bloated. No bueno.

Don’t lie to me. You have one. That go-to list of dudes (or for the men folk – chicks, or not, whatever, its 2012) that just do it for you.

Mine has not changed much since the sixth grade. I recently came across an old diary from my junior high years. Hilarious. Although my pre-teen years were a roller coaster of anxious thoughts about Amy being the most popular girl, the indentation on my bob from my night headgear, or waiting for my boobs to come in (still am); interestingly enough, my taste in men has stayed pretty consistent.

I don’t know if it’s all the 50 Shades of Smut I’ve been reading, or all the promos for the upcoming moving Magic Mike that has got me feeling so bold, but I thought I would share a sample from my Hubba Hubba list.

So for humiliation’s sake, below is a roll call of luscious lads and reasons as to why they make the cut. This list is both current and from my middle school past. Please note this inventory does not only consist of people I want to make out with in my parent’s basement, but also, just people I want to meet.

Buckle up.

1) Dave Grohl – Okay, musical genius, has a great sense of humor, and pretty much seems to be an all-around cool guy. A good friend of mine sees eye-to-eye on this one; so much so that if we were to meet Dave in person we would probably each grab a leg and end up snapping him like a wishbone at Thanksgiving dinner. He’s the bee’s knees.

2) Mark Wahlberg – This is guy who will literally kill someone with his bare hands for you, all while helping a little old lady across the street and teaching inner city youth how to read. Swoon.

3) Ricky Schroder – Yep, the Ricker. Not Rick, but Ricky. When I was in the second grade I was so into Silver Spoons that I sent him a letter. He never wrote back. Dick.

4) Eddie Van Halen – Even in the Sixth Grade I knew this dude was stoned in the Jump video. I did not care. He was and is forever magic on the guitar and keyboard.

5) Ronnie James Dio – Everybody, pour some out for Ronnie. No, I don’t want to get busy with him. I want to sit on a red velour throne and drink wine out of a gold goblet with him while he tells me about the heavy metal days of yore.

6) Hugh Jackman – I think this one speaks for itself.

7) Seth Meyers – Smart, sexy, hilarious – I’m pretty sure that’s called a tri-fecta of awesome.

8) David Moyer – Man, I had it bad for this guy in the seventh grade. I have no idea where he is now or what he is doing, but I hope he is a little less dense. I could not have dropped more “kiss me” hints around this guy, using everything I learned from watching episodes of Days of Our Lives. Epic Fail (insert Price is Right music: wa wa wa waaaaa). Looking back, I’m surprised I did not end up pregnant, married to my second cousin’s butler, and/or stranded on a deserted island with Stefano DiMera.

9) Ryan Reynolds – He has graduated to serious movie roles, although I wish he’d do another Van Wilder. Or just keep doing X-Men spin offs with his shirt off.

10) John Taylor from Duran Duran – It was a phase. And yes, I owned a fedora.

11) Jason Segal – I can’t figure this one out. Maybe I really liked The Muppets.

12) Bradley Cooper – Do you even have to ask?

13) Nikki Sixx – I am a major Mötley Crüe fan and I listen to him every day on Sirius. He’s funny, hot, and survived like twenty heroin overdoses. Thumbs up buddy.

14) Alexander Skarsgård– I’m not into vampire crap, but I am a True Blood fan. He is such a cocky prick on the show and I love it.

15) John Cusack – He had me at Better Off Dead, and are you kidding me with the Lloyd Dobler role? Can you imagine what your first date would be like? Although now he is such an activist he would probably want to go to a sit-in for some social atrocity, and I would be cracking up because the guy next to us farted.

16) Edward Norton – I just like him.

So there, I’ve aired my dirty laundry and now my husband knows. Oops. This is clearly not a list based on any type of reality, which is why it is so fun.

We all daydream about meeting that famous person and what they would say to us, how thin we would look, etc. But they aren’t real, they are fantasies. Reality is paying bills, vacuuming dog hair off the floor, and running late for school…again. Reality is knowing the person next to you thinks your morning breath stinks, but they still love you. While fantasies are fun, they don’t hold your hand when you are scared. I’ll keep the reality in front of me and a couple of daydreams in my back pocket for a rainy day.

So chime in and leave a comment. I am dying to hear about your list!