Am I Really Sitting Alone at the Social Media Lunch Table?

Please check LIKE, er, I mean yes!

Remember when you passed notes to your friends during home room? It was usually about the boy who sat in front of you in computer class (Braden is a) hot, b) super hot, or c) surface of the sun hot). Or if you forgot to study for the geometry test. Or if you had run out of clean underpants, forcing you to wear your bathing suit as a bra/panty combo. Those were the good old days. I sure wish we had a way to communicate all of our goofy stuff like that –

-Oh wait. We do. It’s called Facebook.

Social Media: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. have become the adult’s (and not-so adult) version of high school gossip. With way better photos.

Oh now don’t sweat it, this is not a post bagging on Social Media. The benefits can far outweigh the negatives. I stay up to date with family who live far away. It has given me a vehicle to reconnect with long lost friends. New connections have formed because of the social media circle. I can post this crappy blog on it. Sadly, I have learned about current events on social media. On more than one occasion, it has saved my ass to remember a birthday. And when my daughter broke her arm, it was a way to ask for help. Facebook and other SMs are my friend.

But (you knew the but was coming) if you take a closer look, Facebook/Social Media can sometimes be just a big popularity contest. It can be a race to see who can get the most “friends” or “likes” for their comment or photo. Great for businesses. A little weird if it is your sixty-five year old neighbor Lou.

Utilizing my research background and keen eye (cruising FB while wearing my glasses and drinking red wine), I culled through some of the most interesting/ridiculous/notice me posts. For simplicity’s sake, I have categorized the posts:

FAMILY UPDATE: When the hell is Spring Break/Christmas Break/Fall Break/Columbus Day Break Over? My kids are driving me crazy!!! Followed one week later with… Movie night with my favorite people. I have nothing to criticize here. Most of my posts are about my child. I too have struggling thoughts of “maybe we should have just gotten another dog” vs. “I can’t live without you!” The favorite people comment usually does make me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Probably because at this moment I am having thoughts of “school should be year round.”

FUNNY/CUTE ANIMAL POST: Kitty must be sleepy [photo attached of a black cat with white paws under the covers]. I am a dog person, so I have a hard time “liking” cat anything. Unless an animal is in pain and looking sad. Those ASPCA commercials get me every time. If you post about your sweet Mr. Pickles who died of cancer, I will send you a floral arrangement.

FOOD & DRINK PHOTO UPDATE: Trust me on this, your food does not look as good via photo as it does live. Once I saw a post of someone’s homemade stew. It looked nothing like stew, but it did look like something else. Just don’t do it.

WORK/VACATION BRAG UPDATE: Working [insert photo of person on a sailboat on a sunny day]. True story. My husband loves to posts these whenever he is on a client outing on a sunny golf course. I think people want to punch him in the face for this. By people, I mean me. Especially when it is cold and flu season and I am reading this in line at Target with a mouth breather behind me.

CHILD UPDATE: I guess Susie/Brad/Carlos/Jamila/Insert any child’s name here doesn’t like Santa! [photo attached of screaming child on a degenerate Santa’s lap]. These photos are always a crowd pleaser and will get a thumbs up from me every time. Kids are cute. Screaming kids are cuter.

DRUNK POST: Totally sober! [insert photo of women with duck kissy-face double fisted with stocked bar behind them]. I think this one speaks for itself. I have been both the kissy faced girl in front of the bar, and the one passed out behind the bar [not mentioned in photo]. Maybe don’t post if your boss is one of your FB “friends.”

NEWS: Woman Pulls Gun From Vagina After Dispute Over Space Aliens. I know. This was an actual article. This post only created more questions for me, like, what kind of gun was it? How big can this woman’s vajay-jay be? Where were the aliens? Were they from Planet 52?

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A COMEDIAN/SOMEONE GIVE ME MY OWN SITCOM POST: Political Comment. Political Comment. Religious Comment. Comment about ingrown toenail. Photo posts of marquees with extra letters, therefore spelling FART CLASSES instead of ART CLASSES. Okay, the FART CLASSES is pretty funny. The rest, can it. I think we can all agree that we were up to our eyeballs in not-so-witty political quips from the last two elections. I am glad we have the freedom of speech, but some people should not be allowed to give there opin- oh wait, I write this blog…nevermind.

No matter how silly, informative, sad, or uplifting social media can be, there is one thing it is not: life in real time. You can’t hold someone’s newborn baby online, you can’t hug someone online if they are having a bad day, and you surely can’t take a bite of the photo of the State Fair’s fried Nutella pie.

No, you can’t do any of those things, but you can learn about the baby, the friend, and the pie online. What you choose to do in your offline life is up to you.

So yes, go and connect. Make new friends and see what is happening out in the world. Then put down your phone, shut your laptop, and go live it. Hiking that mountain will be far more exhilarating than looking at the photos that chick from yoga class posted.

Plus, it will give you something to talk about with your friends between World History and A.P. Bio.

Am I Really Hazing a Senior Citizen to Buy Some Thin Mints?

It is Girl Scout cookie season people. So kiss your New Year’s resolutions good bye!

When I learned about this year’s cookie time line and goals, I did what any mother would do and invested in a new pair of tennis shoes. Let’s face it folks, if you have a child under the age of nine, it is really the parent doing the peddling of these boxes of diet busters. I am surely not sending my seven year old out by herself to hit up the Circle K Gas Station attendant for some Trefoils.

While all Girl Scouts (myself included) enjoy this yearly rite of passage, things this year have been a bit wonky in the cookie game. I’m guessing times must be hard at the factory, since they have run out of certain types of cookies and our poor volunteer cookie mom can’t get her hands on them.

These GSA difficulties have left me to speculate as to the potential culprits. Below are some creative possibilities:

1) Keebler Elves. Word on the street is the Keebler Elves got loaded off some cooking sherry and took it out on the Thin Mint plant. The result – eighteen months community service and shame upon the house of Elf.

2) Famous Amos. The cookie king of the 1970s and 80s has come out of retirement to create a secret weapon cookie. The Amos camp has been closed lipped about it all, but one source leaked, “If you like the color maroon and the show Charles in Charge, you are gonna love this cookie!” Fact: His cookies are delicious.

3) Little Debbie. It has been rumored that after years in and out of rehab for a problem with Oxy, Little Debbie lost her snack cakes and tried to kidnap the head baker at GS Cookies.

4) Lorna Doone. Tabloids have reported after a brief stint as account manager for GS, Lorna Doone was arrested for embezzling Tagalongs from the factory. When asked for a quote, Doone replied, “I always wanted a peanut butter center.”

5) Mrs. Fields. This loving and kind leader in the cookie cake industry has allegedly round up some of her senior citizen pals to boycott the Samoa. Over at the Golden Years Condos, they have been seen marching …er…scootering around with signs saying “Discrimination against those with coconut allergies!” The riot police were called in.

Struck with the above possible scenarios, I promise to do my part for the Girl Scouts of America. I will gently email badger people to please help my child reach her cookie goal. I will peer pressure co-workers into boxes of Tagalongs because don’t they want the troop to go to our Nation’s Capital? I will softly harass elderly neighbors into purchasing Savanah Smiles (they are light and lemon!). I will seductively lay out the Samoas next to the Do-Si-Dos outside of SAM’s Club. I will do this and so much more, all so that my child can get a stuffed artic fox.

So when a small girl rings your doorbell, don’t shoo her away. Think of her troop, think of this great organization which teaches life skills, think of how delicious those Thin Mints will taste after a few hours in the freezer.

Also, think about me trying to pick up the pieces when my child doesn’t sell enough boxes to get the polar bear bandana.

***Please Note: All of the above 5 scenarios are fictional. I am sure you already knew that, but I have to say it. I, in no way mean to slander any of the above organizations or brand names. I love all cookies and cookie makers. I also support the GSA. Please do not sue me. I am nice person. This post is meant for pure entertainment purposes ONLY. It is silly and not at all real. Except for the selling of Girl Scout cookies, that is very real. And yes, we are still taking orders.

Am I Really Having a Golden Globes Girl Crush?

If you are like me, you watched the Golden Globes this past Sunday Night. I like this awards show much better than the Oscars because it is fancy, yet all the stars seem to be relaxed and are enjoying themselves…because they are smashed.

I am not one to be all “Girl Power,” nor am I trying to follow in the footsteps of Gloria Steinem, but can I get a “What What for the Ladeeeeeeeeeezzzz??!!”

Sorry boys, but the chicas took it this year at the Golden Globes.

Let us start with lovely and talented hosts: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. They win, again. I personally love these two. They are hilarious and both are comedy geniuses (a two-fer!). Apparently, all of Hollywood seems to think so too. I don’t think Bono just makes out with anyone.

Moving on – Jennifer Lawrence. Love her, love her, love her. A brilliant actress, everyone sings her praises as an awesome person, and she is only twelve and half years old. Amazing! Some fashion critics poo-pooed her white dress last night. Whatever. Let’s face it, this chick could wear a trash back covered in soggy Raisin Bran while flipping everyone off and I would still love her.

Amy Adams. Also a winner last night, from the same movie, American Hustle. Another amaze-balls actress. She can sing, dance, act, and not look ridiculous in princess clothes. She also seems sweet.

Diane Keaton. She accepted the Cecil B. DeMille award for Woody Allen. She wore a lady tux and pulled it off. She looked great. Don’t know about you, but if I tried to wear a tux I would look like a very disgruntled cross-dresser.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Hilarious. She did not say one word last night and stole the show. She is a brilliant comedienne who does not take herself too seriously, but is seriously talented.

Amy Poehler won for best actress in a TV Comedy. Double score. Hate to say it, I am just happy that chick from Girls did not win again. We are on overload with her.

Rita Wilson. I know she wasn’t nominated for anything. I just really like her.

Emma Thompson. While watching her barefoot onstage made me a little uncomfortable (Put on your shoes Emma! There could be nails on the stage! Are you up to date on your tetanus shot?), I like that she just does not give a damn. Also, she is a kick ass actress.

Drew Barrymore. Rocking the pregnant frock. She wasn’t the only one beautiful and prego. Olivia Wilde, Kerry Washington, and Elsa Pataky stood by her in soon-to-be motherhood. That’s a lot of hottie hormone action. Also, I want to be Drew’s friend.

Andy Samberg. Not a girl, I know. But he came out of the SNL family and he kept the night lighthearted while being shocked and genuinely thankful for his win.

What did we learn from the night? Having a personality wins. The men seemed so serious about their wins. Why? Society doesn’t want to hear about how you have “grown as an artist,” and that every day you “dive deeper into your craft.” Nope. We just want to see it and experience it. Remember that old saying, Show, don’t tell. Boys, the ladies have you beat on this one.

Please note, I love men. Many of my favorite actors and comedians are male. But watching last night made me so proud to be a woman, I almost ran out and bought two packs of tampons. During the day.

So ladies, wave your bra high and proud. If life gets you down at the PTA, or if that loud talker guy at work got your promotion, just do what Tina or Amy would do – make them laugh.

Oh, and then spread a rumor that he has a raging case of herpes and put super glue all over his desk.

Am I Really Running Twelve Miles, Juicing Carrots, and Feeding All the Children in Calcutta?

It’s a new year! Personally, I am more than happy to welcome 2014, and to never speak about 2013 again. Sayonara!

Like many human beings this time of year, you have probably set out some New Year’s goals. Some might be a bit lofty (meet Ben Affleck), to pretty realistic (wear pants). So I trolled the internet, asked friends, and found my journal from 1996 to drum up a bevy of resolutions…which are usually broken.

Let us review and recap the most common aspirations:

Lose Weight This is usually number one on everyone’s list. We can clump dust off the NordicTrack, eat better, and visit the dentist after ten years, into this category. I once read an article about a model who starts her day with hot water and lemon and stays away from night shade vegetables (a.k.a. tomatoes). She looked amazing in the photo layout, all legs and perfect skin. After I read it, while polishing off a bagel with cream cheese and an Americano, I threw that magazine in the trash. Weirdo.

Find Love This one always throws me off. Where does the person intend on looking for said love? Match.com? Bars? Churches? The Rodeo? I would like everyone to “find love,” but maybe start with baby steps like: Will wear push-up bra to Taekwondo class.

Quit Drinking/Smoking/Drugs/Eating Little Debbie Snack Cakes Whew! This one is toughy. I applaud anyone who attempts to stop a bad habit. Once, for Lent, I gave up being five to ten minutes late everywhere. It lasted a couple weeks. Then, much like an addict, it crept up on me. I would say, “It’s only five minutes.” Or, “Just this one time being late my daughter’s ballet class won’t kill anyone.” I’m pretty sure my family is planning an intervention for this problem of mine.

Stop Yelling at the Kids Good luck with this one. When you figure out how to do this, let me know. Then I’ll call Ripley’s Believe It Or Not!

Start up a Hobby Specificity helps here. Otherwise, you will end up in neighbor Jerry’s drum circle and smelling like Patchouli.

Write the Great American Novel I’ll start tomorrow. Right after I find my lucky pen, clean out the junk drawer, and complete all of my other resolutions.

Spend More Family Quality Time I give it one week. One day. One hour. Screw it.

Eat Only Organic You can also include, use all organic products, cleaning aids, clothing, etc. Down Side: You may go broke and starve because you spent all your money on Gwyneth Paltrow’s cruelty-free bed linens. Up Side: You will easily achieve goal number one in no time (see above).

Be Kinder/More Tolerant Toward Others With the way we sometimes treat each other, coupled with all of the world’s traumatic events, this might be the best resolution yet. If we could just try to put our petty BS aside and step outside of our everyday micro lives, a positive trend could start and we could wind up being a better society for it. Help out your fellow man in need. Don’t just shake your head and say, “That’s too bad your house burnt down, now all you have is the Hump Daaay shirt on your back.” Go drop off some Gatorade to him.

Sadly, some people will continue to be jerks, be bull headed, and just won’t change. The crazies will probably still stay crazy, and a-holes will still be a-holes, but you don’t have to let them drag you down. Helping out one another might the resolution with staying power.

So if you do just one thing this Year of the Green Horse 2014, stand up with me and try being a little bit kinder to your fellow human. It’s a lot cheaper than those organic pomegranates, and trust me, your heart will feel just as satisfied as if you ran a 5K.

Who knows, maybe it will inspire you and me to stop yelling at the kids.

Oh who am I kidding? That’s impossible.

Happy New Year!