Am I Really Getting This Shnockered at a Catholic School Auction/Grown Up Dinner Event/Wedding?

So I am kind of like a puppy: easily excitable, a little yappy, and small.  When I hit the town, I take with me this verve.  I am so excited to be out socializing (always have been) that I need to run around the block a couple of times to burn off some energy. Back in the day, this vigor worked to my advantage. I used to go out all night, pop right out of bed the next day, and head to work. Then do it all over again the next day.

I am smidge older now and “the town” I’m hitting is more of the gown up variety – events. While my joie de vivre is of the same caliber, my tolerance is clearly not.

I’m a two drink Charlie, a cheap date if you will.  I really should not have more than two drinks – period. But something happens to me when I am out. Maybe I am thirsty from all my chatting about my daughter, dog, how all these kids were crying at the beach, or re-enacting scenes from the Rock of Ages movie (it really is awesome). Maybe Prosecco just tastes so good on a hot day. Or maybe, I forget that I am a grown-ass woman with a low tolerance.

My husband and I recently attended a fabulous surf and turf dinner on the beach with three other couples. We won this event at my daughter’s Catholic School Auction (another white wine debauchery). The dinner was put on by great people and we had a fabulous time.

Then we went to a bar.

Having already ingested copious amounts of dink, I really did not need that vodka and soda. I knew it, but it was handed to me, so that was that. If you had been there you would have seen had your eardrums busted by a tiny blonde woman in a rain-soaked and dirty sundress doing the following:

–          Making best friends with the bartender

–          Inviting said bartender to a cookout (which I did not attend)

–          Trying to freak-dance with my husband to a song by Poison

–          Husband trying to shake wife off his leg

–          Giving the bartender sh*t about his hair/shirt/the weather and most likely calling him the “p” word in the process

–          Hiccups

Then we went home (my husband drove – don’t worry – even I’m not that much of a do-do) so I could pay the babysitter and try to have a lucid conversation about her going to college. I know I told her I had a bit too much to drink by using bizarre hand gestures and facial expressions akin to a Bell’s Palsy patient.

Then I puked for ten hours the next day while my husband said things like, “Did you learn your lesson?” and the dog licked my face.

Classy, I know.

While my abs are much tauter after a day of heaving, the moral of this story is for me to keep it in check. I can still be that little puppy excited to be out socializing with all the other little puppies, but I don’t have to “get this party started” by ice luging some Woo Woo shots. “Open Bar” doesn’t mean I have to run up to it like the Mister Mouth game. I’m a lady for chrissake.

That and if you see me reaching for a third drink, slap my hand like a Biggest Loser contestant going for a Tasty Cake.

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Am I Really Still Keeping Tabs on THE LIST?

Don’t lie to me. You have one. That go-to list of dudes (or for the men folk – chicks, or not, whatever, its 2012) that just do it for you.

Mine has not changed much since the sixth grade. I recently came across an old diary from my junior high years. Hilarious. Although my pre-teen years were a roller coaster of anxious thoughts about Amy being the most popular girl, the indentation on my bob from my night headgear, or waiting for my boobs to come in (still am); interestingly enough, my taste in men has stayed pretty consistent.

I don’t know if it’s all the 50 Shades of Smut I’ve been reading, or all the promos for the upcoming moving Magic Mike that has got me feeling so bold, but I thought I would share a sample from my Hubba Hubba list.

So for humiliation’s sake, below is a roll call of luscious lads and reasons as to why they make the cut. This list is both current and from my middle school past. Please note this inventory does not only consist of people I want to make out with in my parent’s basement, but also, just people I want to meet.

Buckle up.

1)      Dave Grohl – Okay, musical genius, has a great sense of humor, and pretty much seems to be an all-around cool guy. A good friend of mine sees eye-to-eye on this one; so much so that if we were to meet Dave in person we would probably each grab a leg and end up snapping him like a wishbone at Thanksgiving dinner. He’s the bee’s knees.

2)      Mark Wahlberg – This is guy who will literally kill someone with his bare hands for you, all while helping a little old lady across the street and teaching inner city youth how to read. Swoon.

3)      Ricky Schroder – Yep, the Ricker. Not Rick, but Ricky. When I was in the second grade I was so into Silver Spoons that I sent him a letter. He never wrote back. Dick.

4)      Eddie Van Halen – Even in the Sixth Grade I knew this dude was stoned in the Jump video. I did not care. He was and is forever magic on the guitar and keyboard.

5)      Ronnie James Dio – Everybody, pour some out for Ronnie. No, I don’t want to get busy with him. I want to sit on a red velour throne and drink wine out of a gold goblet with him while he tells me about the heavy metal days of yore.

6)      Hugh Jackman – I think this one speaks for itself.

7)      Seth Meyers – Smart, sexy, hilarious – I’m pretty sure that’s called a tri-fecta of awesome.

8)      David Moyer – Man, I had it bad for this guy in the seventh grade. I have no idea where he is now or what he is doing, but I hope he is a little less dense. I could not have dropped more “kiss me” hints around this guy, using everything I learned from watching episodes of Days of Our Lives. Epic Fail (insert Price is Right music: wa wa wa waaaaa). Looking back, I’m surprised I did not end up pregnant, married to my second cousin’s butler, and/or stranded on a deserted island with Stefano DiMera.

9)   Ryan Reynolds – He has graduated to serious movie roles, although I wish he’d do another Van Wilder. Or just keep doing X-Men spin offs with his shirt off.

10)  John Taylor from Duran Duran – It was a phase. And yes, I owned a fedora.

11)  Jason Segal – I can’t figure this one out. Maybe I really liked The Muppets.

12)  Bradley Cooper – Do you even have to ask?

13)  Nikki Sixx – I am a major Mötley Crüe fan and I listen to him every day on Sirius. He’s funny, hot, and survived like twenty heroin overdoses.  Thumbs up buddy.

14)  Alexander Skarsgård– I’m not into vampire crap, but I am a True Blood fan. He is such a cocky prick on the show and I love it.

15)  John Cusack – He had me at Better Off Dead, and are you kidding me with the Lloyd Dobler role? Can you imagine what your first date would be like? Although now he is such an activist he would probably want to go to a sit-in for some social atrocity, and I would be cracking up because the guy next to us farted.

16)  Edward Norton – I just like him.

So there, I’ve aired my dirty laundry and now my husband knows. Oops. This is clearly not a list based on any type of reality, which is why it is so fun.

We all daydream about meeting that famous person and what they would say to us, how thin we would look, etc.  But they aren’t real, they are fantasies. Reality is paying bills, vacuuming dog hair off the floor, and running late for school…again. Reality is knowing the person next to you thinks your morning breath stinks, but they still love you.  While fantasies are fun, they don’t hold your hand when you are scared.  I’ll keep the reality in front of me and a couple of daydreams in my back pocket for a rainy day.

So chime in and leave a comment. I am dying to hear about your list!

Am I Really Bribing My Child With McDonald’s/Candy/A Ghetto Toy from CVS…Again?

Yesterday it rained….a crap-ton of eye boogers. Yep, my little person was sent home with conjunctivitis.  Awesome.

In speaking with the pediatrician’s office, the nurse asked if I would prefer eye drops or ointment for the situation.

“Err…which one will stop my daughter from kicking me in the bladder when I try to give it to her?” I inquired.

She said neither. So I went with the ointment.

Then the nurse informed me of the application procedure:  “All you do is pull back the lower eye lid and make a pouch with it. Squirt the ointment into the pouch and have your child circle her eyeball around a few times. Oh, and she can’t touch her eyes.”

I think I laughed so hard I almost crashed into a Dunkin Donuts.

Yeah right.

So, I hung up the phone, collected my one-eyed monster from school (apparently communicable viruses are frowned upon), and promised her a new toy at CVS while we waited for her prescription.

Then, I promised McDonald’s for lunch because I had to drag her with me to a commercial audition (I could not have been more excited about kitchen flooring).

When the dreaded moment of eyeball application came, my daughter unraveled. So did I.

“Baby, you can have a cookie. A popsicle? Your name on the jumbotron at a Celtics game?” Then I vice griped her between my legs, anaconda style, pried her lid open and slathered on the juice. All while she screamed to a decibel that I’m pretty sure even Marlee Matlin could hear.

My carrot-dangling tactics do not only reside with medical applications, they have a far wider reach.  School, church, grocery shopping, swim class, airplane rides, my well woman exam (that was a day), and the list goes on.

Commiserating with a fellow mommy, she worried her child would grow up to be a spoiled bully; expecting things for everyday activities.

I told her not to sweat it. That will be society’s problem. Then I peeled out of the school parking lot while throwing old Starbuck’s coffee cups out the window. Just kidding. Maybe.

While attachment parenting enthusiasts and the Dog Whisperer guy are probably shaking their heads at me, I’m here to tell you about the PROS of sweetening the deal for your little people:

1)      A well behaved child…temporarily.  While the results may not last long, you’ll get them.

2)      Looking like a champ donating all that crap to charity. With the amount of trinkets your get roped into buying for your kids you could probably stock a Toys R Us. When you weed through it all you’ll save the day at your local charity/mom club/neighborhood garage sale with all those damn Squinkies and Zoobles.

3)      Keeping your hearing. As previously mentioned children scream, a lot, when they are scared, upset, you name it. Some Scooby Doo fruit snacks can take all that away.

4)      A well stocked pantry. You will need to build up your arsenal when going into bribe mode, so head to your Super Target with your coupons and grab some goods.

5)      Sticker Removal talents. Don’t ask me why, but kids get rewarded with stickers for EVERYTHING. A scratch-n-sniff sticker to a kid is like a new tube of lip gloss to Lady Gaga. Major Score. However, these pieces of joy seem to find their way into the laundry, the back seat of my car, windows, couch cushions, water bottles, and on the dog. In time, you will find ways to get these things off of your home goods while only using three to four curse words.

6)      A well-conditioned child. Just like Pavlov’s Dog, your child will soon learn that, “If mommy gives me these animal crackers while we are at Bob’s Furniture Store, I need to sit down on this hideous zebra-print ottoman and be quiet. Okay lady, you have twenty minutes to shop, make it count.”

While I don’t believe in bribing all the time, I’m not going to stop. Guess what?  I feel less crappy too. No parent wants to scold their child; it’s not fun for either party. So if some new markers and a Hello Kitty eraser help the situation, so be it.

Just don’t offer a new parakeet – that’s just more poop to clean up.