Let’s talk about LICE baby/Let’s talk about you and me/Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad thins LICE can be…let’s talk about LICE…..

            The little phrase, “My head itches…” can make a mother sweat like she has been living under the heat lamps at Chik-Fil-A. When my daughter let that one loose while pawing at her locks, I instinctively knew what it was.

Lice. Those rat bastards.        

Not this time you little buttholes, I thought to myself as I whipped out the metal torture device – er – comb and started raking through her hair.

Boo. Nits.

Having gone through this fiasco a year ago, I knew just what to do. I called in the professionals and handed over my credit card. They came to the house with their special lights, magnifying glasses, and neroli oils. My living rooms looked like a scene out of E.T.

Usually, you can find zero helpful information on this blog. However, I feel that if I went through this hell, someone else is going through it and might want some advice.

Hang onto your hats people, below are some tips:

1)      Magic Johnson – Good; Magic Potions – Not so much. Seriously, all those solutions, they don’t work. They might help a bit, but they will not get rid of the situation. They will however, make your child radioactive, so try to avoid them. You need professionals, or yourself, to comb out the nits with that metal-pronged comb. Get up in there mother ape style and pluck them out.

2)      Pull Back Your Hair Bob Marley. If you are a girl with a decent amount of hair, put it in a ponytail or braid. When your hair is pulled back, it makes it more difficult for those little buggers to get into it. I’m pretty sure my daughter was attacked because she likes to whip off her headband and let her hair flow free a la Janis Joplin.

3)      But you can eat off my floors – in fact my child just did! This was a hard one for me to get over. I’m pretty clean – scratch that – I’m anal. I nearly dip my child into a vat of hand sanitizer after school, playdates, etc. It does not matter how tidy you are, lice don’t care. In fact, they prefer clean hair. So skip a day or put hair product into your child’s hair. Apparently they don’t like mousse or gels.

4)      It’s not syphilis, it’s lice. Your child feels like crap. His/her head itches so much that you can probably see flames coming off of their scalp from all the scratching. They will still want a hug, even while they sit with a toxic shower cap on. Give them one. No one is going to lose a limb from lice. But be smart and don’t purposely run noggins together.

5)      Mary Poppins the hell out of your house. Wash everything – blankets, bedding, towels, throw rugs. Then, lucky you, do it again in a few days.

6)      Too hot in the hot tub. Those little buggers can’t survive in high heat. Stick your throw pillows and bed pillows (sans pillow covers) in the dryer for 20-30 minutes. It won’t work for your child’s head, so please don’t stick your little one’s head in the oven.

7)      Check baby, check baby, 1,2,3,4… You need to check your child’s head every day for up to two weeks. You may have missed one little nit, and now that dude has hatched and laid a bazillion eggs. Think Gremlins, they just keep multiplying.

8)      Shout it from the rooftops. Seriously – you need to tell people. It may be uncomfortable, but you will find that people appreciate being informed. Tell the school, have them check the class. If you play t-ball, etc., tell the coach (especially if you share helmets). Tell your gymnastics instructor, your dance teacher, just tell people. This one mom at my daughter’s preschool did not inform the school or ANYONE that her daughter had lice. The case was pretty bad and her whole family got it. Lucky for us, her daughter “gifted” my child with this situation. Had the mother told the school or the parents, we could have been on the lookout and implemented some preventative measures. When speaking with her, alone, she said she was uncomfortable telling people about it. Hey I get it. It’s not like you won a cruise, your kid has lice. But let me tell you what is more uncomfortable – my foot up your ass b/c you did not tell anyone.  Now my child thinks that bugs are eating her brain. Thanks lady.

9)      Who ya gonna call….I cannot stress enough the value of taking your child to a lice treatment center. Just Google for one in your area. It may cost a few cents, but it is worth every penny. My daughter thought it was great because she got to watch the BRATZ movie and get a lollipop at the end. A win/win.

Most importantly remember that yes, you are a good parent.  Child Protective Services are not going to come and get you because your child has lice. You did not neglect them or let them hang out with homeless people just to see what life was like out on the streets.  As the saying goes, “Lice happens.”

Dealing with lice is frustrating, annoying, and may take a few go-rounds to get rid of it all.  Just keep in mind, like bad tantrums, bad perms, and bad breath, this too shall pass.

So go in there with your pitchforks and torches raised and reclaim your child’s scalp! Just wash your hands after.