Am I Really A Pancake Without Aunt Jemima?

MMM…pancakes. Now all I want to do is go to IHOP for dinner.

            But let me get to the point.

            January usually goes one of two ways: 1) You bolt out of the gate on January 1st toward you new goals like the Barcelona bulls are after you, or; 2) You feel like the life has been sucked out of you, only to be replaced by the color mauve.

            I’m feeling more on the numero dos side this January.

            Minus a few renegades, who leave their holiday lights up until the Chinese New Year, the neighborhood is pitch black.  Dried up Christmas trees await their final fate at the curb, like some type of martyr in a Steven Segal movie (“No, you go on without me. Just leave me here.”). The grass is dead and brown. The snow is dirty. Your skin is so dry, even the Gila monsters are worried. And the holiday bulge? As one good friend of mine put it: “I had an argument with my jeans this morning. Eventually I won. Just barely.”

            Ah yes, the January blahs.

            Now if you have a birthday in January, sorry for the ho-humness. I am sure your celebration will be phenomenal. But come on, you have to agree with me, this month does kind of blow.

            After an exciting December, my lofty goal for the month of January is to see how much sitting I can accomplish. I’m doing alright there. Unfortunately, I have lost a little of the “oomph” to write, go the movies, make a new soup that involves navy beans, or just be motivated in general.

            If any of you out there are in the same boat, maybe we can jumpstart this jour de vie with some motivational quotes, ideas, action items, and of course, libations.

            Let us call it the Hot and Sour Soup for the Lazy.

1)      Instead of a lime in your drink, put an orange. Think of the Vitamin C intake.

Goal Accomplished: Take More Vitamins.

2)      Put down the crossword puzzle and watch some trash TV. You don’t need Sudoku when you have the Ex-Wives of Rock on television. You will instantly realize you are a genius.

Goal Accomplished: Have More Brain Power.

3)      Put coffee in your cereal.  It may sound gross and will most likely taste like crap, but it’ll wake you up and save on dairy calories.

Goals Accomplished: Have More Energy & Cut Down on Fat. It’s a two-fer!

4)      Cut your hair.  I don’t know why, but every January I go nuts and chop off a massive amount of my hair. At first I love it and feel fresh for the coming year. Then I realize I don’t love it and spend the rest of the year growing it out. It’s a game changer though.

Goal Accomplished: Free Yourself from Clutter.

5)      Get your downward dog on.  Every year I say I am going to try yoga. And every year I decide a nap would be more exhilarating. But freaky sex-maniac Sting seems to think it is the bomb for your love making.

Goal Accomplished: Be More Flexible.

6)      Wear such bright colors that people think you are a clown. Let me state for the record that clowns creep me out. But after a couple of months of dark outer wear, it’s time to jazz it up.

Goal Accomplished: Perk Up Your Wardrobe.

7)      Google “Tips to Jumpstart the New Year.” It’s pretty hilarious what you might find. When I was plugging in the above key phrases, “ways to jumpstart your scrapbooking” and “ways to jumpstart your period” came up. Most likely they are related.

Goal Accomplished: Jumpstart the New You.

8)      Buy/check out a book your normally would not read. I tend to choose books that involve the hunt for a sociopath on the loose, or a story about Chinese foot binding.  Yet, after reading the whole series (yes, the whole series) of Fifty Shades of Grey I quietly embarked on a voyage of: “Hey, what other smut novels are out there?” A lot apparently. Most of them prompting me to eye roll and yell, “Get some self-esteem already! The book says you have big boobs, a killer job, a rockin’ body, and you volunteer at an orphanage. Surely you can work it out with the hot ex-CIA agent who speaks eight languages!” But I still read them. Shhhhhh.

Goal Accomplished: Become More Literate.

9)      Start your day off with an affirmation. No joke, I feel like an ass when I say these. They must be working for some people because folks swear by them. Maybe if the affirmation is, “I will remember to not burn the toast.” Or “Grapefruits only sting for a second, then they get better.”

Goal Accomplished: Have a Positive Outlook.

 So let’s check in with one another in a February and see where we are. If you have a few suggestions of your own, I would love to hear them.

            Just nothing involving costume making for cats. I can’t sew.

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