Whether it’s a sale on COBRA Health Insurance, silk screen t-shirts, or improving my erection (I had no idea I had a penis!), spam mail wants me to have it all.

Many are annoyed by the process of emptying out their trash email box. I, however, get a type of giddy excitement. My spam mail is so complimentary. Plus, it thinks I lead a way more interesting life than I actually do.

Not this kind of spam.

Let’s take a look at the type of person my spam mail seems to think I am:

Altruistic. According to spam, I will help all kinds of strangers in need of money in Nigeria, Papa New Guinea, and Texarkana. They are so polite too with their, “Dear Sir/Madam.” I appreciate that they really don’t give a damn about my gender – it is 2014. Also, thank you for thinking I keep two grand in my wallet. Apparently I am loaded.

Slutty. I don’t like to brag, but spam thinks I put out quite a bit. Emails are constantly telling me how I can increase pleasure with various tools and herbs, or that someone wants to hook up with me. Trying not to let the flattery get to my head has been hard. Which leads me to…

I’m a Man! Clearly I should start looking down more, because my spam mail knows something I don’t. I get a multitude of emails for Viagra, “Keep Going Longer,” and how to increase my manhood. Apparently I am a man who can’t get it up with my tiny pee pee. I suck at being a man.

Appearances Matter. I like to put my best foot forward in this life. Spammers are always telling me how to get clearer skin, lose 20 pounds in one week, or achieve thicker shinier hair. Thanks goodness I no longer have to walk the earth as a slightly chunky, zit-ladden, balding woman, er man.

Lighting Matters. Not just any kind of lighting – LED lighting! I am saving the environment while noticing that piece of lint on the ground from three weeks ago.

Friendly. How many people can reach out to one girl via unread Facebook messages? Apparently a lot. So many people want to get in touch with me if I just click “here.” Word probably got out that I’m a slutty stud.

Thank you for not labeling me.

So thank you spammers for boosting my ego. I appreciate you looking out for me.

Just keep a lid on the fact that I am writing this in my worn out pjs while chugging one of my daughter’s Danimals. I have a rep to protect.