In the words of Mary J. Blige, “Don’t need no hateration,” and I am not going to give Ms. Ripa any. She seems like a lovely person. I’d like to take her to lunch. But damn, that noggin. And why can’t I get that Fanta jingle out of my head every time I look at her?

This rant is not about her effervescence, but rather the size of women’s heads and other body parts in Hollywood/TV/Movies.  In the case of Ms. Ripa, it’s like an orange on a toothpick.* You know what they say, the camera adds ten pounds. Uh, yeah, apparently on their hair.

Now we all know that these Hollywood broads are skinny, it goes with the territory. I am not here to bash on them. It’s their livelihood and in the words of my mother, “It is what it is.” However, if I were to see one of these ladies on the street I would: a) offer them a sandwich, b) call a 1-800 number to sponsor them with food and running water, and c) show them the food pyramid.

It just seems as though they are disproportioned. Take Angelina Jolie for instance. Super skinny.  Even when she was pregnant her arms looked like twigs in the middle of winter. But she has those gi-normous lips. How?  Kelly Ripa, tiny body. Big head. Kiera Knightly, a lithe girl.  Big feet (well actually I have no idea, just a guess).

Here is what I think is happening.  Even though a person loses a crap ton of weight, some of it hangs around somewhere. That person still has the same number of fat cells. These cells probably get agitated because there is no room for them in their current location, so they set off to find a new home – hence the big lips, big head, and large index fingers. Now I am not a scientist, or a doctor, or even a hospital orderly, but I read WebMD.  Therefore it must be so.

As I write this from the comfort of my home, eating an almond butter and jelly sandwich (so good!), I look pretty proportioned. And guess what, you people probably do too.

So the next time you beat yourself up for having dessert, or not losing those last five pounds for your high school reunion, just remember: those five pounds might end up on your face, maybe even your nose.

Be proud of your even-keeled body. You can always buy lip plumper if you want the Jolie look.

* I would like to thank Mike Myers for this line. It is from the movie “So I Married an Axe Murderer.” Funny stuff, check it out!