Like sands through the hourglass….

Life is funny.

Sometimes it is hilarious, pee your pants funny. Other times, life grabs you by the shoulders and gives you a bit of a shake. While laughing.

The other day I attended a funeral. It wasn’t my first, and it won’t be my last, but like all of them, it was extremely sad.

Mortality really gets a person thinking: love, family, that missed sale at Nordstrom all come into play. Out of all of the thoughts floating around, one really stood out for me:

I waste a whole lot of time.

If I were to kick the bucket today, I’d be super pissed. I have not done enough. There are still so many hopes, dreams, and episodes of Orange is the New Black yet to be fulfilled.

Oh sure, I’ve done a lot with my life – we all have. But all the time I’ve wasted? Ridiculous. I’m like the Ponzi scheme of time wasting. Just indict me already.

Instead of doing the big stuff, here’s some of the petty stuff which has sucked away my time:

1) Anger. What a time suck this is. I have let myself be pissed off about, traffic, running out of Pop Tarts, my husband snoring, my daughter forgetting her homework, the toaster burning my bread, and my shoe (yes, my effing shoe). Why? Did I feel any better? Get any closer to by goals? Nope. All I got was a vein popping out of my forehead and the need for a new pair of flats.

2) Laundry/Dishes/Paper Shuffling/Busy Work. Yes, yes I know, it has to be done. And yes, I feel a sense of accomplishment when things are clean and put away – which lasts about five seconds because everyone has dirty underwear. I just don’t think St. Peter is going to give me a free pass at the pearly gates because I scrubbed the sink when I really wanted to watch a movie with my child.

You are not the boss of me.

3) Jealousy. Look, I’m a nice lady, but not above the green-eyed monster. There have been times when one of my not-so-favorite people have succeeded at something. For a moment, I secretly hope they go on a norovirus-laden Carnival Cruise…to Gilligan’s Island. I’m usually thinking this while scrubbing the sink. Eff.

4) Regret. Kicking myself in the pants for a number of boo-boos, over and over again, has gotten me nowhere. I need to take on my father’s military line of thinking: “Well, you f*cked up. Move on. You’re still breathing.” Touché.

5) Laziness/Procrastination. Is watching Pacific Rim for a third time really all that necessary? Nope. Relax, then get your ass up and go write a chapter in your novel.

6) Facebook/Social Media. I like to be connected, but not that connected. Do I really need to know all the times a person ate at Pho, had a monster hangover, or ran out of Easter egg dye leaving them all “off-white?” Not really. People should post these things, it’s their life. I just don’t need to be viewing it all times when I really need to walk the dog.

Will I continue to make the above mistakes and waste time? Most likely. But can I make small changes to my daily life to focus on what is important? Yes.

Then once I remove all these life time wasters, I can focus on the funny ha-ha side of life. And maybe pee my pants a little…more.