I know, I know. Everyone is talking about this damn book. It was spoofed on Saturday Night Live (quite brilliantly, I might add), Ellen read some excerpts aloud, and every morning talk show has given their two cents about this erotic novel. Old news, I get it.
In reading the first of the three-part series, I have encountered some territory that has not yet been discussed.
1) Can a woman orgasm that easily and that many times when she was just de-flowered a week ago? If so, where does she buy her vitamins? I don’t know about you, but I surely did not reach an “ecstatic release” my first time. It was more of a “what the hell was that?” The “cosmic orgasm” did not come (get it?) until much later after some practice. Who the hell is this broad?
2) Why isn’t Ana peeing after all that sex? I know I have posted this life altering question before, but really, why? That’s just Doin’ It 101. It’s a massive UTI waiting to happen.
3) Who eats Pasta Bolognese only to get your freak on five minutes later? Don’t they get side cramps? Everyone knows you need to wait a good thirty minutes before rigorous exercise.
4) Are you f’ing serious with the dialogue? I mean it, read it out loud. Now do it again but with a Fozzy Bear voice. Hilarious. I love me some boom boom, but if my husband came up to me and said, “Turn around, I am going to f*ck you hard from behind. This is for my pleasure only. You cannot come.” I would laugh in his face and then tell him to move out of the way because Modern Family is on.
- The formal language. People just don’t talk like that in today’s society; certainly not people in their twenties. They sound like fifty year old British women. Oh wait, it was written by a fifty year old British woman.
5) And what about the guys? Don’t they benefit from this erotic romance novel? When my husband first saw the book in the house he scoffed, “What are you doing with that porno book?” It was as if I brought another man into the house. After a few days he said I should read the book four more times. I informed him it was a trilogy; he fist pumped the air and shouted “I win!” Yes guys, you too can benefit from this work of nipple-clamping fiction.
6) How the hell are they are they going to make a movie out of this? Oh you know they are going to. That’s the new wave of Hollywood – make a motion picture out of a best seller. But how?? That’s a lot of full frontal. It might end up being just like 9 ½ Weeks, but with bossier sex.
7) Bitch please! A twenty-two year old supposedly “smokin’ hot” college senior – who is a virgin? Maybe if this was 1920. Oh, and she does not own a cell phone OR a computer. WTF? I would believe that “Lovey” from Gilligan’s Island was into S & M before I would believe in a twenty-two year old virgin.
8) Somebody grab a red pen. Seriously. I am queen of the typos, BUT I do not have a published novel (yet). I caught ten typos (misspelled words, word omissions) in the first novel. If my blind eyes can find typos in between the butt slapping and horse crop whacking, then that’s sayin’ something.
Regardless of the above issues, I am onto the second book in the series because I HAVE TO KNOW what happens to these two addictive nut jobs. My hat tips off to E.L. James because she has created the Holy Grail for the hard-up, forty-something married woman. It is some serious fantasy candy. And while the dominant/submissive thing is not for me, I am not going to rain on someone else’s genital clamp – er – parade.
If you’re curious, go check it out. Your husband will thank you.
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