wildlife | Am I Really?

Having the time of his life.

I cannot tell you how much I detest camping. It emotionally scars me for years. I don’t understand this voluntary “activity” whatsoever. Didn’t the early pioneers die from this type of life? Did they not do everything in their power to better our living conditions? If Laura Ingalls Wilder saw a bunch of Girl Scouts “roughing it,” she would look at them and say, “Wait a minute, you have homes with locks on your doors, no snakes in your bed, a bathroom inside your house, and you are sleeping in this tent – on purpose?!”[cue hysterical laughter]

When my daughter informed me she wanted to attend the two-day Brownie campout, I thought, good luck suckers…er…I mean…have fun sweetheart! When she said she wanted me to go with her, I needed a shot of bourbon and three therapy sessions.

Also, I don’t drink bourbon.

Who the hell are these people?

If you read my post last year about the campout, you would know I still have nightmares about the daddy long legs and the lack of refrigeration. Also the wasp attack, but that is a story for another time.

Why, dear God, why do people do this on purpose? To earn a badge? That is a lovely honor, but will my child also earn the badge for, My mom chaperoned the camp out and now she cries every time she hears the word corn?

I know!

To all you bold and brave outdoorsmen, let me illuminate why camping is not necessary for us lay people:

Bugs. Gross, just gross. Call me a snob, but I don’t like to fraternize with insects. Plus, ABC Pest Control won’t service state parks. Standards people, standards.
Cuisine. I am not a five-star chef, but even I know camp cooking is for the birds…and the squirrels…and the raccoons. You get where I am going with this.
Remember this gem from Blazing Saddles? Beans.
It’s Insulting. Our forefathers worked so hard for us to achieve climate control. Camping is just a slap in the face.
The Weather. Good luck with that pup tent in a thunderstorm. Or a hurricane, or snowstorm. Or condor attack.
Guess What? You can still have your “togetherness time” in a log cabin with running water. Shower, then go on a hike. Then shower again. Maybe play Yahtzee. INSIDE.
The wildlife does NOT want you there. Contrary to popular belief, the bears don’t like us. Neither do the deer. I also have it on good authority that the squirrels will steal your wallet when not looking. Stay home people.
Well Good Morning sunshine.
The Park Rangers don’t want you there either. Let’s face it people, the Park Rangers are there for the – wait for it – park! They are not People Rangers. That would just be weird.

Let me clarify, my disdain for camping has nothing to do with nature. I love the outdoors. I like sitting outside and breathing the fresh air. I like boats, and sand, and trees. I like flowers, fish, and lady bugs.

I do not like sleeping on lumpy ground, cabins with no bathrooms, and earth in my hair. I am not a girly girl, but I am a lady damn it. At this age, I have earned the right to sleep in a bed.

I think Pecos Bill and the Saloon girls of the Wild West would agree with me.