Am I Really Practicing my Academy Awards Acceptance Speech in my Dirty Slippers?

I would like to thank the Academy, my parents, and my husband. I would like to thank Cabernet Sauvignon for being there…always.  I would like to thank the Girl Scouts of America for producing the Thin Mint Cookie. I would like to thank my daughter for throwing away her granola bar wrapper instead of sticking it under the couch, like she usually does. I would like to thank my yoga pants for not walking out on me because I never actually take yoga. I would like to thank…….

Many of you tuned in this past weekend to watch the 84th Academy Awards. Many of you could have given a sh*t. I am in the first category.

I loooooooove awards shows. I like the hoopla, the dumb interview questions when clearly the anchor did not see the movie, the ridiculously scripted banter between award givers, the slightly awkward musical numbers, and of course, the star watching.  It is all just so exciting to me. I feel as though I am right in the middle of it.

But of course, I am not. I am here, at home, eating a lukewarm calzone and thinking, “When the hell did that movie come out? Did anyone go and see that thing? And why is Angelina standing like that?”

Although, it does make me wonder:

Why am I practicing a speech when clearly I have not been nominated for an Oscar (at least not yet!)?  Somehow, I don’t think I am alone here.

People do not get thanked for everyday life events. Kids don’t walk up to parents and say, “Sorry you puked during delivery, but thanks for being a trooper and bringing me into this world. Oh, and P.S. – I hate bananas, but thanks for trying.” I have never heard a husband say, “Hey, thanks for nagging me to put the dishes into the dishwasher instead of just around it. It really does make more sense.” Women never say, “Thanks for repeatedly trying to get into my pants. If it weren’t for you, I’d forget I have a vagina.”

Bosses don’t thank employees for showing up to work. No one is applauding when you get out of bed, exhausted, and make breakfast for an over-exuberant child.  Confetti never rains down on me at the grocery store when I remember to use my coupons and save $14.96.  When a person finishes their “To Do” list, a rainbow doesn’t magically appear with singing munchkins as a reward.  And when you sort and properly bundle recycle items, the garbage dudes never break out into a jazz routine just to say thanks.

So why do these Hollywood people get all the praise? Why don’t we have any everyday person awards ceremony? We’re here, everyday, making it happen; whether we like it or not.

One reason: lack of reality. These wonderful movie makers provide us everyday folk with entertainment.  They take us away, far, far away from our everyday lives. They transport us to another land, another time, another reality.  Movies are magic. They make us laugh, they make us angry, and they make us wipe our noses on our sleeves when we forget tissues while watching Marley and Me.

During depressing times, movies help distraught people deal with the harsh pain of poverty, loss, and feelings of being alone.  Deployed soldiers watch them. Kids watch them. People who don’t even like movies watch them. They help people forget. They help people remember.  And you know what? We (and by “we” I mean the Academy) want to thank the movie makers for this gift.

So good for you film people of the world! Be proud, polish off your golden little man and give yourself a pat on the back.

The rest of us will be awaiting our award for unclogging the sink.

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