Am I Really Having a “Calgon Take Me Away But First Let Me Punch Someone in the Face” Day?

You know that scene from Mary Poppins when Mary, Bert, and the kids jump into one of Bert’s sidewalk drawings? They magically arrive in a colorful world (beautifully clad I might add) where they ride around on carousel horses, sing with animated pigs, and get served sarsaparillas by bumbling penguins.  The day is truly Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Yesterday was not that day.

I’m sure we can all agree that everyone one has experienced that crappy day.

Let me break mine down for you via a tally.

It started off on the downward slope when I realized I had not set my alarm and that I was going to be late (again) for getting my butt ready and my child to school.

CRAPPY DAY          1                                  ME                              0

Sears called to say they would be delivery our shiny new refrigerator and range hood by 8:20 a.m.  I had to drop off our daughter, so my husband said he would stay home and receive our goods.

CRAPPPY DAY        1                                  ME                  1

Upon returning home, I called my husband to see if he would like a coffee (I am a nice person). He informed me that the refrigerator was too large for the space (even though we gave exact measurements to the sales person), and they would not install the fridge or the hood. This left us with large holes throughout our kitchen and a mongoloid ice box.

CRAPPY DAY          2                                  ME                  1

Walking through the door, I took in the sight of the shitstorm that was once my kitchen: papers askew, food spoiling on counters, old fridge downstairs in the basement, useless mongoloid fridge in the middle of the room, dirty dishes, and no microwave.

CRAPPY DAY          3                                  ME                  1

It was at this point I began to cry a bit (I had not ingested any coffee yet) and commence the clean up process.  At the sink I did what any sane, mature adult would do – I began to throw things and say words that began with the letters, F, S, GD, MF, and some words that were probably a cross between Spanish and a Slavic language (of which I know neither). During this tirade, I broke the faucet (apparently I have super human strength).

CRAPPY DAY          4                      ME      0 (deduction of points for stupidity)

The broken faucet, spewing water, caused my husband to react by saying, “Oh dear, what a shame you broke that.”…..If this was a Disney Cruise Line commercial.  What actually fell from his mouth were a bunch of colorful phrases with words beginning with F, S, GD, MF, along with my name as he proceeded to belly crawl under the sink to shut off the water.

CRAPPY DAY          5                      ME      -1 (deduction, no explanation needed)

This caused more TV Novella crying on my part, while standing in the middle of the chaos in dirty gym clothes (which I had yet to visit) and a stained sweatshirt that was once my brother’s.

After more Tammy Faye Baker crying, we decided to re-group after some burritos.  We felt better with full bellies. The plumber had come by the fixed our faucet issue. My husband would go to Sears and amend the issue and then pick up a new Microwave.

CRAPPY DAY          5                      ME      0

My husband returned triumphantly with a new microwave, plugged it in…..and……wait for it….it did not work.

CRAPPY DAY          6                      ME      0

He called the microwave hot line number and they promptly advised him to bring the item to a repair shop.

CRAPPY DAY          7                      ME      0

He took more time out of his day and brought the sorry excuse for a food heating device back to the store.

CRAPPY DAY          8                      ME      0

Other events occurred, including me spilling red wine on myself and other permanently stained items, my husband forcing himself into a sugar coma with a sack of sour Skittles, and my daughter staging a coo due to the lack of peanut butter granola bars in the house.


CRAPPY DAY          247                  ME      -12

The day was just that, a crappy day. And even though I would have risked jail time to strangle somebody, we all survived. We are lucky to have these ridiculous problems. When I look around and see people suffering, children suffering, I want to Tammy Faye Baker cry all over again. It sucks for some really great people out there. So yes, while the day was a pain, I think I’m lucky.

There will be more crappy day ahead, but if I can remind myself that hey, this will pass, and isn’t this a better problem to have versus something else – then I’ll be able to sail through the day with that much more ease.

That and a case of wine. Seriously, any type, I’m not that picky.

3 thoughts on “Am I Really Having a “Calgon Take Me Away But First Let Me Punch Someone in the Face” Day?

  1. that is the kinda of crappy day that can at least be written into a hilarious account like you’ve done. funny read. thanks (: hope you got that fridge thing worked out and arent stil leating out of a cooler!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s