Am I Really Thanking the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Anniversary Issue for Raising the Bar…to Outer Space?

Where they come from.

Where they come from.


I feel comfortable in my own skin. Just like every other human being in the world, there things I like about my appearance, and things I’m not so crazy about. Oh sure, I have my bad hair days, bloated jeans days, and the “Did a crow land on my face while I was sleeping?” days; but overall, I feel pretty decent.

Until the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue landed in our mailbox last week.

One look at that magazine and I sent a letter to my rear end letting it know it was dead to me.

Who the hell are these women? Did you see Christie Brinkley? Her legs?? She is sixty and looks better than most nineteen year olds.

I imagine if I took Wonder Woman’s invisible jet back to her Amazonian homeland, this is where the models are bred.

US Magazine has a section titled, Stars – They Are Just Like Us! It shows movie stars and models doing everyday things.

Let me clue you in US – no, they are not like us. These chicks are nothing like us regular people. They are superhuman. Or perhaps alien.

I’ll be honest, I cannot help but stare. These women are amazing. I’m not even jealous, just in awe. It is like looking at a painting in a museum. If that painting had perky nipples.


The release of this SI issue got my wheels turning: What does it take to create a model?

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1)      Parental Diet. I think we need to take a closer look at the creators of the catwalkers. Did the mother only ingest Jamba Juice and Elle magazines while pregnant? Did they go to a sperm bank and ask for the Superman Special?

2)      Model Insides. If we take a peek inside a model, will we find a bunch of that Wolverine mercury and some random parts from a Chevy Nova? There is no way those girls have normal spleens like the rest of us. There are probably a bunch of miniature British and Swedish inventors in there running things in tip top shape. Plus, the Swedes always have the best FDA un-approved drugs.

3)      Real Boobs. I’m pretty sure those things are real. This only makes things worse. Some might say it is because the models are so young. I don’t buy that. Even when I was sixteen my boobs were never that cheerful.

4)      Can We Create a Hybrid? Seriously, why not? If we took a model’s egg, and then took sperm from a nuclear physicist, and then trained the offspring in MMA combat techniques we would have the ultimate secret weapon. We could Trojan Horse all kinds of world issues. No one suspects a hot chick.

5)      None of the above – They were just born that way. This is probably the truth. Damn.

What I felt like after reading the SI issue.

What I felt like after reading the SI issue.



However these long-legged beauties came to roam the land among us plain folks, one thing I will not do is knock them down. So they are gorgeous? So we can’t stop staring at them? So what? No need to talk crap about them and be catty. Plus, I couldn’t knock them down if I tried, they are far too tall for me.

These ladies (and men) might have a superhuman body structure, but I bet their feelings are not indestructible. They have a gift. And guess what? So do we. Minus the tight butt and pouty lips.

So while the supermodels of the world have raised the beauty bar for us regular folks, this doesn’t give anyone a free pass to stoop low with nasty comments.

Unless, of course, you are doing the limbo under that bar. It’s what us short ladies will be doing.

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