The Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) recently published their annual list of the happiest countries in the world.

Below are the top five:

1. Switzerland
2. Norway
3. Canada
4. Denmark
5. Austria

See a theme here? I do.

All of these countries are friggin’ cold. No one I know says, “Well, we are taking the kids to Toronto. The beaches are fantastic!” Also, the diet is funky. Aside from the Swiss chocolate, these people eat a lot of cold fish. Maybe all those Omega-3s are making the natives think they are happy. When in reality, they all just have excellent joint health.

I feel duped. And no, not because the U.S. did not even make the top ten (we complain way too much here). The OECD seems to have missed a grand opportunity by limiting the “happy” list only to countries.

Being a helpful lady, I thought I would go ahead and expand upon OECD’s report. My happy place list is as follows:

1. Disneyland. It is literally the happiest place on earth. Well, that’s what the sign says when you walk into the theme park.
2. The two-foot radius around my coffee pot at 6:32 a.m. I think it is important to include the time of day here. There is no place I would rather be at that hour.
3. A green field full of puppies. Everyone loves cute little puppies. Unless you have allergies. Then you can have a room full of pies. Unless you have a gluten allergy then – oh forget it.
4. The parking spot next to the shopping cart return kiosk. You are done shopping. You have loaded your sundries into the car. Who the hell wants to walk 20 minutes to return their shopping cart? Not me. When you park next to this kiosk, you can just shove that cart a few inches to the left and voilà! Done.
5. A beach in Maine in the summer. Or just New England for that matter. I love the smell of sea salt air. Period.

There were also some low scoring countries on the OECD’s list. Mainly based on unemployment rates. Much like Greece, Poland, and Hungary, I too have culled a top five of un-happy places to be:

1)      That movie theater seat in the very front row. I have never understood why this row is so damn close to the screen. Just move it back. You can’t see anything. I might as well just stay at home and stick my eyeball on the television screen. The effect is the same.

2)      A windowless room where Kim Kardashian is serving as a filibuster. ‘Nuff said.

3)      The last row on an airplane, which does not recline. The row is also by the lavatory, which is a whole thing. Also, just general seating by any bathroom is a bummer.

4)      Standing in line for the open bar at a wedding/work reception/party, when you have to pee, so you turn to the person behind you and say, “Can you hold my spot?” Only to hear, “Hey ______, it’s me ______. It’s been a while since we dated. If you could call it that [insert wink]. I’m married now. Wow, your hair is different.” Kill me.

5)      In a car, in traffic, when my daughter says, “I think I need to throw up.” Nothing incites more panic than those seven words. No one can stop the freight train of crazy that is about to go down. The emotional roller coaster goes from unease, to fear, to anguish, to exhaustion. For the parent that is. Put it in an enclosed space and my head might pop off.

Complete B.S.

I am sure you can come up with your own top and bottom five happiest places. I would love to hear about them, so please feel free to share.

Then we’ll all go drink some hot chocolate. That little Swiss Miss seems super happy.