I read a lot of health magazines. Not because I am a health nut, but rather, I find them relaxing:  the beautiful photographs of clean and refreshing foods, the yoga poses for back health, the narratives about hiking and camping in Taos, and of course, the body cleanse.

All things I will never do.

Until I started feeling like a broken garbage disposal…with highlighted hair.

So in the effort to spring clean my life, I decided to jump on the granola bandwagon and detox my eating habits.

I read articles about others who braved the cayenne pepper and honey purification, juice fast, or the I only eat mustard sprouts and I feel great! diet. These folks discussed the hardships of saying goodbye to their morning lattes, the good habits they kept, the negative ones they removed, and how they reached a personal epiphany of feeling lighter and being enlightened.

Below is the account of my cleanse:

Sunday:           After my third piece of pizza I slither off the couch and look in my refrigerator to prep for my diet detox. I realize I can eat nothing in my house. Apparently I have a lot of no-no foods. I eyeball the cardboard box in the recycle bin.

Monday:          Alarm goes off at 5:45 and I get up and work out before work. I drink half a cup of coffee (the research suggests to wean yourself off caffeine), eat my all natural grain toast with almond butter, and a Vitamin C fruit smoothie. Lunch is a salad and dinner is…wait I forget what I ate, but I know vegetables were involved.

Tuesday:          I get to work and have some coffee (I’m still weaning) and the same as above breakfast. I skip lunch so I can work out during the lunch break (sort of like fasting) and eat some hummus and veggies later. I read and inspiring article about a woman who went on a detox. She suggested drinking warm lemon water (gag), and eating homemade kale chips (no thanks, they stink like a five year old’s foot).

Wednesday:    I go to Starbucks in the morning (Who are you to judge me?). For dinner I take my daughter to IHOP and eat half of her Funny Face chocolate chip pancake. She is not on a cleanse.

Thursday:        Zero green foods are consumed. Instead I look at the grass outside. Then I drank some wine (It is best if your digestive tract is relaxed).

Friday:             I eat oysters and shrimp with a salad for dinner. Good job. They may have been rolled in cornmeal and fried. Also, I may have drunk two vodka sodas.

Saturday:         Let’s just call the weekend a “wash out.”

            After my week, I still feel the same, but found some lifestyle changes.

            Habits I will keep:       Adding more fruit and natural smoothies to my diet.

            Habits I will lose:        Taking some broad’s advice on oven-roasted tubers.

            My personal epiphany: I don’t like cleanses.

            Will I attempt this process again? Most likely, because health is important and we should all take care of our own and our loved ones.

            Just not if it involved stinky kale chips.