Am I Really Watching Christopher Columbus and Dracula Battle it out on American Ninja Warrior?

Pumpkin Everything

Halloween is a week away and the whole thing makes me want to tinkle. This is one of my favorite holidays. People are decorating their homes, apartments, and RVs with cobwebs and orange lights. Flying witches are head first into tree trunks, and we need to take out a second mortgage to buy a sack of Kit Kats. Good stuff.

But with all the goodies and ghouls, I have noticed one thing:

There is a lot of crap going on during the month of October. Too much.

How the heck did we get here? Didn’t the Puritan’s shun the month of October and its bewitching Hallowmas? Now look at us.

Let’s take a look at all the October happenings:

  1. Halloween. Even though this holiday is at the end of the month, it still rules October – thematically speaking. Good.
  2. Taxes. If you could not make it happen in April, you have until October 15 to file your papers. Perhaps in your sexy nurse costume.
  3. Oktoberfest. Some places have actually moved this event to September. Which kind of defeats the purpose of its namesake. I hear the Germans heavily frown upon this.
  4. Pumpkin bread, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin Greek yogurt, pumpkin scented candles, pumpkin spice creamers. No one gives a damn about the actual pumpkin, unless you throw in some sugar and create an over-priced food item out of it.                 Forest Gump Pumpkins
  5. Breast Cancer Awareness Month. As far as I’m concerned, breast cancer survivors can have any month they want. They should rename the month Boobtober. Oh, and have the power to move Oktoberfest back to the month of October.

    I found the New World, and all I got was this crappy Monday Holiday.

    I found the New World, and all I got was this crappy Monday Holiday.

  6. Columbus Day. Sadly, no one gets excited about this. Unless you work at the post office, then you get a day off. Most likely to attend one of the……
  7. Bazillion School Carnivals across America. If I see one more balloon artist I might vomit….rubber weenie dogs. Every festival seems to fall within a two week time span during this month. It’s like all the schools are trying to one up the other with their activities: “Oh our face painter? We flew him in from Milan. He’s the best!”  

    Please stop.

    Please stop.

  8. National Adopt a Shelter Dog Month, National Pizza Month, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, American Pharmacist Month. Dogs – yes. Pizza – yes. Domestic Violence – well, no, but awareness to stop it? Yes. Er, pharmacists? They need to pick a new month. Like March. Pick March.
  9. Eat Country Ham Month. Yes, this is a real thing. But the ham people need to theme it up a bit. How about Hocus Pocus Ham? Or Pumpkin Pork? Or Spooky Salted Swine? Too far?

    All. Month. Long.

    All. Month. Long.

  10. Parent Teacher Conferences. Why God? Why? They should piggy back these meetings with the school carnival. A failing grade won’t seem that bad when you’ve just won a Bundt cake from the cake walk.

Clearly, October is gunning for December’s Busiest Month Award. Which is fine. Fall is a favorite season of many.

So bring on your mums, your caramel apples, and your nine hundred Halloween Trunk – or – treats. We’ll keep Rocktobering these events together, all the way to November.

Unless you are the National Popcorn Poppin’ Month people. Maybe you just need a week for celebration. In January.



Photos courtesy of:

Christopher Columbus –

Halloween –

Ham –

Keep Calm Photo –

Forest Gump –

October –

Balloon Artist –