Am I Really Brushing My Teeth for the Talent Competition?


Here she comes…Miss America

Okay, so last night, the new 2015 Miss America was crowned. It was a threepeat with New York taking the title. This cute little blonde thing deserved it. She was humble, supportive, and her figure made me put down that second dinner roll. Well third, but whatever. She was so excited when The Bachelor’s Chris Harrison announced she won, I thought she was going to pass out, or vomit, or both.

I have always enjoyed watching these competitions. When I was a little girl, my entire family would watch the pageant and try to guess who might win. It was always a fun event.

Except the talent portion.

This area has always made me cringe. The opera singers, interpretive dancers, pianists – not one of these contestants really wants to partake in this portion of the evening. Even the dummy from last night’s ventriloquist act was like, “Do we have to?”

Last night took the cake. Miss New York performed her “talent” sitting on her fanny with some plastic cups while singing Pharrell Williams’ “Happy”. Then, to add insult to injury, there were these fun facts popping up during the performance. It was a 1990s throwback to VH1’s Pop Up Video. Seriously, one of the facts was “Enjoys street hot dogs.” What???

Watch it here :

While Miss New York received quite a bit of criticism for said cup talent, I think we ought to thank her. She has opened the door for all the pageant ladies who really don’t have a talent.

Gracie Lou Freebush anyone?

Gracie Lou Freebush anyone?

Let’s look at some “talents” that might work in the future:

  1. Putting things away. This seems like a good one. You get home from the store and you have to put the milk and eggs away before they go bad. Perhaps there could be a “challenge” to see how contestants put things into the refrigerator. Is it all haphazard, or can they keep the cheeses organized? Like in a California Closet.
  2. Paying a toll booth. Do you just throw the money into the catch basket? Do you use exact change? What if you miss? Disqualified!!!!
  3. Pouring a cup of coffee. Pour a cup of coffee. Now do it while waving at the audience a la beauty queen style. See the talent?
  4. Pretending “I just didn’t see you there!” We’ve all done it. Trying to avoid someone at the store, parking lot, Asian massage parlor. Maybe you don’t have the time to chat, maybe you owe that person money, and maybe you just don’t trust yourself to blurt out, “What the hell happened to your hair?” I bet these Miss American beauties could pull it off with sincerity. That folks is a talent.
  5. Opening the door. There is not just one way to open a door. There is the one hand method, the push using your hip method, and the “after you” method. This talent could really highlight their congeniality skills – a two-fer!
I would have enjoyed this routine more.

I would have enjoyed this routine more.

Poking fun at the Miss America Pageant has been done ten times over; that’s not where I’m going. The Miss American Pageant is a national institution. It should stick around like apple pie and street hot dogs (see what I did there?).

But maybe they should loosen the reigns a bit on the talent competition. I really don’t think anyone would mind. I have never heard of a time when Miss America was visiting an orphanage, when all the children shouted, “We loved your baton twirling routine to Eye of the Tiger! Would you please perform it for us?” Nope.

So when watching the new Miss America perform her cups routine on YouTube, don’t roll your eyes. Instead, thank her. She has paved the way for other I-use-the-term-talent-loosely contestants.

And hey, you might have a chance in 2016 with all those recycling skills of yours.